I met with the radiation oncologist this week to discuss my upcoming treatment. We discussed my pathology report and what that meant in terms of my treatment. The Doc said that treatment is set at the outlay of diagnosis. While my body responded really well to both the chemo and the surgery, he said that doesn’t mean the treatments didn’t miss some microscopic parts of the cancer. We just simply can’t know.
He recommended that we proceed with radiation treatment of the left breast area as well as the lymph nodes in the area. I was concerned about treating the lymph nodes as I had read that it might increase the chances of getting lymphedema. The Doc said that the percentage of risk of lymphedema with radiation only increases by about 4%.
I really was hoping he would say something else in that appointment, but I really wasn’t expecting him too. Despite knowing that he would likely tell me to proceed, I still felt really emotional and upset. I cried in the appointment, and maybe it was because I was hoping that the treatment side of things would be over. But not just yet.
I then had to go into another room to get a CT scan for each radiation treatment. I was placed on a board that had a variety of molds for my body to rest on to try and make me comfortable. The more comfortable I am, the more likely I will be able to sit still during treatment.
The staff helped me get placed on the board and then I went through the CT scan. Then they got me ready for my first tattoo. Small dot tattoos are needed to ensure they get me in the correct position every time I go in for treatment. I need to have 4 in different parts of my chest.
I’m not happy about having these marks on my body. I choose not to have tattoos on my body up to this point. I have nothing against them, they just were not for me. But now I need to have 4. And these 4 symbolize this stupid disease and what I have had to endure. Definitely not something I would have chosen to permanently symbolize on my body.
But this will make the treatment the most effective so on we proceeded. I only received 2 tattoos this week and will get the other 2 for my first radiation treatment. The first tattoo is on my left side, near my armpit. That one felt like a pin prick and not too terrible. The second one is right near my sternum and that hurt! Not a lot of tissue there to take the brunt of the pain. But it was over quickly and now I have two small blue dots on my chest.
My treatments are scheduled to start on January 10th. I’ll have 5.5 weeks of going in every day, Monday –Friday. I will check in with the Radiation Oncologist every week to see how I am handling the treatment. Fingers are crossed that my body handles it fairly well. I am going to try to be active throughout the treatment and I hope my body cooperates.
Until my treatment starts, I likely won’t have much to write about so let me take this time to wish everyone a happy start to 2012. I hope 2011 brought you a lot of fun, love and happiness. Even though my 2011 was not my most fun year, I definitely am appreciative of all the love and support I was shown throughout the year and I feel very lucky and grateful. Happy New Year’s Eve!
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Fill ups (1 of 2)
It was arranged so that I could get my tissue expanders filled up in Kelowna so that I didn’t have to travel to Vancouver so much. The plastic surgeon’s office in Kelowna was where the reconstruction group meetings are held so I was familiar with the head nurse who runs the group. She is so wonderful - really nice and caring and so helpful.
I met with both the nurse and the Plastic Surgeon in Kelowna and we set out a fill up schedule of 100cc once each week until my radiation appointment on Dec 29th. That meant 2 fill ups in two weeks. It was a pretty aggressive schedule and not how they normally like to expand the tissue expander. The aggressive schedule wouldn’t hurt the expansion process, it just might hurt more. The nurse was concerned that it would be really uncomfortable for me, but I wanted to ensure I was ‘filled-up’ before my radiation appointment so I said we should proceed.
The first fill up went fairly well. My body definitely has looked different after every fill up. For this fill up, I noticed a curve on my chest as a ‘normal’ breast would have. I was a bit uncomfortable during the week and had to take ibuprofen to manage the pain. The pain was mostly pressure on my chest, aching in my shoulder, and then some muscle pain in my back.
My last fill up was a bit more uncomfortable – the last 5cc put a lot of pressure on my chest and I had to focus on breathing. But we got it all in there! I have been on ibuprofen since then, but every day seems to get a little easier.
My chest looks….well, different. The tissue expander is round and does look like a normal breast – well normal and very perky! The big difference between the two sides of my chest is the location of each breast. The right side is where a breast would normally sit. The left side (with the tissue expander) sits really high on my chest – almost where the top of your breast bone meets your shoulder.
So while I might be even, I’m definitely lopsided. But for now that’s alright – the fill up process is now complete!
I met with both the nurse and the Plastic Surgeon in Kelowna and we set out a fill up schedule of 100cc once each week until my radiation appointment on Dec 29th. That meant 2 fill ups in two weeks. It was a pretty aggressive schedule and not how they normally like to expand the tissue expander. The aggressive schedule wouldn’t hurt the expansion process, it just might hurt more. The nurse was concerned that it would be really uncomfortable for me, but I wanted to ensure I was ‘filled-up’ before my radiation appointment so I said we should proceed.
The first fill up went fairly well. My body definitely has looked different after every fill up. For this fill up, I noticed a curve on my chest as a ‘normal’ breast would have. I was a bit uncomfortable during the week and had to take ibuprofen to manage the pain. The pain was mostly pressure on my chest, aching in my shoulder, and then some muscle pain in my back.
My last fill up was a bit more uncomfortable – the last 5cc put a lot of pressure on my chest and I had to focus on breathing. But we got it all in there! I have been on ibuprofen since then, but every day seems to get a little easier.
My chest looks….well, different. The tissue expander is round and does look like a normal breast – well normal and very perky! The big difference between the two sides of my chest is the location of each breast. The right side is where a breast would normally sit. The left side (with the tissue expander) sits really high on my chest – almost where the top of your breast bone meets your shoulder.
So while I might be even, I’m definitely lopsided. But for now that’s alright – the fill up process is now complete!
Monday, 19 December 2011
The Results are in
I headed to Vancouver last week to see my PSurg. I needed to get my stitches out and also get my first “fill-up”. I was eligible to fly there through this non-profit organization called Hope Air. They fly people to and from medical appointments as needed. It’s a great organization so if you hear of a fundraiser for them or simply feel like donating to a worthy cause, please consider this group.
My PSurg was really happy with how I was healing. She said that everything looked great. She removed my bandages and then started to take out my stitches. I had a dissolvable stitch running underneath each breast and then a set of stitches surrounding my right areola and up my left chest. Not the most pleasant thing to remove, but again, my pain scale just remembers to when I woke up from surgery and nothing really seems that bad anymore.
My PSurg then went and got some saline to fill up my expander. The syringe was nearly a foot long and the needle was about 2 inches long…yikes! All I kept thinking of was that scene from Pulp Fiction where Uma gets stabbed in the heart with a shot of adrenaline. I decided to look the other way.
The first 100cc went in really easily, so the PSurg got another 50cc. She wanted to be aggressive on my fill-ups to ensure I have a decent size before my radiation. After looking at the new size with the 150cc, she figured I could get filled-up once per week in Kelowna, and maybe be done before the new year!
She then put paper tape on my incisions to minimize scarring. Vitamin E is thought to widen scars so she said wearing this tape is the best thing for helping with healing.
Turns out, my pathology report had come in as well so my PSurg called over to my Surgeon to see if there was any time she could see me before I left for home. Luckily she could squeeze me in before her first surgery of the next morning! My PSurg handed me a copy of the report and told me to bring it with me. While I could understand most of the words on the report, making sense of what it meant was a whole new ball game. Good thing the Surgeon could see me to explain!
My Aunt and I then headed over to meet my uncles and my cousin for dinner. It was really awesome to see everyone and have what felt like a normal dinner conversation. We caught up with what was going on and only minimally talked about my health – sometimes it’s really nice to not talk about what is happening with me and instead focus on what is happening with other people.
The next morning we were up super early to head in to see my Surgeon. My Aunt was a trooper and kindly took me to the hospital during early morning Vancouver rush-hour. We arrived early and it was lucky we did – my Surgeon’s first operation of the day was moved up!
My Surgeon came around the corner with a big smile and told me I was looking really great – I guess compared to the last time I saw her (630am the day after my surgery) anything would have been a little better ! She took me into a room to examine me and said that things looked really great. She was happy with how everything turned out and told me I’d be a “work of art” when everything was finished.
She then went over the pathology report with me. The tissue they removed had two remaining tumors. This is not surprising as sometimes masses start ‘in-situ’ (in the ducts) and the ducts protect the tumor from a lot of the chemo.
When they remove tumors, they look to get a ring of healthy tissue surrounding the mass, to ensure they got it all. Protocol calls for .2cm. They were able to get 1.1cm with my mastectomy! This is great news as it means the tumors likely had no chance to spread into the surrounding tissue in my chest wall.
The report also highlighted that there was no cancer involvement in the skin or the nipple. Again, great news! My tumors were analyzed and downgraded to a grade 1. Again, great news! (In the cancer-world, the lower the numbers, the better).
Finally the report highlighted the lymph nodes that were removed during my surgery. Out of the 4 that the Surgeon took out, zero showed cancerous infection. That’s right, ZERO. My cancer did not get a chance to spread!
My Surgeon told me to talk to my Radiation Oncologist and see how he wanted to proceed with treatment, given my pathology report. She suggested that radiation is still likely in the cards for me, but to ask to be sure.
She also talked to me about potentially going back to school in May. She said that she thought it was definitely possible – I could always wait to have the final implant surgery. Some people have tissue expanders in for quite some time, so I don’t need to worry about that. I need to wait and see a little bit, but things are looking okay on the school front!
I went out to see my Aunt in the waiting room and I couldn’t even talk. She looked at me with a sort of excited curiosity and all I could do was nod my head. She had this huge smile on her face and gave me a big hug and I started crying (of course….seriously, can I go one blog post without shedding some tears??? Haha). I told her the news and we both were so smiley after that.
I really didn’t realize how much the results were weighing on me, until I heard the news. It honestly felt like20lbs had been lifted from my shoulders and chest. I felt better than I had in months!
So there you have it - Great results from the great team of people who have been taking care of me. One more treatment type to go!
My PSurg was really happy with how I was healing. She said that everything looked great. She removed my bandages and then started to take out my stitches. I had a dissolvable stitch running underneath each breast and then a set of stitches surrounding my right areola and up my left chest. Not the most pleasant thing to remove, but again, my pain scale just remembers to when I woke up from surgery and nothing really seems that bad anymore.
My PSurg then went and got some saline to fill up my expander. The syringe was nearly a foot long and the needle was about 2 inches long…yikes! All I kept thinking of was that scene from Pulp Fiction where Uma gets stabbed in the heart with a shot of adrenaline. I decided to look the other way.
The first 100cc went in really easily, so the PSurg got another 50cc. She wanted to be aggressive on my fill-ups to ensure I have a decent size before my radiation. After looking at the new size with the 150cc, she figured I could get filled-up once per week in Kelowna, and maybe be done before the new year!
She then put paper tape on my incisions to minimize scarring. Vitamin E is thought to widen scars so she said wearing this tape is the best thing for helping with healing.
Turns out, my pathology report had come in as well so my PSurg called over to my Surgeon to see if there was any time she could see me before I left for home. Luckily she could squeeze me in before her first surgery of the next morning! My PSurg handed me a copy of the report and told me to bring it with me. While I could understand most of the words on the report, making sense of what it meant was a whole new ball game. Good thing the Surgeon could see me to explain!
My Aunt and I then headed over to meet my uncles and my cousin for dinner. It was really awesome to see everyone and have what felt like a normal dinner conversation. We caught up with what was going on and only minimally talked about my health – sometimes it’s really nice to not talk about what is happening with me and instead focus on what is happening with other people.
The next morning we were up super early to head in to see my Surgeon. My Aunt was a trooper and kindly took me to the hospital during early morning Vancouver rush-hour. We arrived early and it was lucky we did – my Surgeon’s first operation of the day was moved up!
My Surgeon came around the corner with a big smile and told me I was looking really great – I guess compared to the last time I saw her (630am the day after my surgery) anything would have been a little better ! She took me into a room to examine me and said that things looked really great. She was happy with how everything turned out and told me I’d be a “work of art” when everything was finished.
She then went over the pathology report with me. The tissue they removed had two remaining tumors. This is not surprising as sometimes masses start ‘in-situ’ (in the ducts) and the ducts protect the tumor from a lot of the chemo.
When they remove tumors, they look to get a ring of healthy tissue surrounding the mass, to ensure they got it all. Protocol calls for .2cm. They were able to get 1.1cm with my mastectomy! This is great news as it means the tumors likely had no chance to spread into the surrounding tissue in my chest wall.
The report also highlighted that there was no cancer involvement in the skin or the nipple. Again, great news! My tumors were analyzed and downgraded to a grade 1. Again, great news! (In the cancer-world, the lower the numbers, the better).
Finally the report highlighted the lymph nodes that were removed during my surgery. Out of the 4 that the Surgeon took out, zero showed cancerous infection. That’s right, ZERO. My cancer did not get a chance to spread!
My Surgeon told me to talk to my Radiation Oncologist and see how he wanted to proceed with treatment, given my pathology report. She suggested that radiation is still likely in the cards for me, but to ask to be sure.
She also talked to me about potentially going back to school in May. She said that she thought it was definitely possible – I could always wait to have the final implant surgery. Some people have tissue expanders in for quite some time, so I don’t need to worry about that. I need to wait and see a little bit, but things are looking okay on the school front!
I went out to see my Aunt in the waiting room and I couldn’t even talk. She looked at me with a sort of excited curiosity and all I could do was nod my head. She had this huge smile on her face and gave me a big hug and I started crying (of course….seriously, can I go one blog post without shedding some tears??? Haha). I told her the news and we both were so smiley after that.
I really didn’t realize how much the results were weighing on me, until I heard the news. It honestly felt like20lbs had been lifted from my shoulders and chest. I felt better than I had in months!
So there you have it - Great results from the great team of people who have been taking care of me. One more treatment type to go!
Friday, 9 December 2011
Dates
10 days into being home and I’m feeling a lot better. There are still times where I am in a lot of pain and really uncomfortable, but the pain isn’t nearly as bad as when I first woke up from surgery. Once you experience that type of pain it is hard to think that any other pain you experience is anything more than a little owie.
I attended this Breast Surgery Recovery group the day after I got home from Vancouver. A physiotherapist came and talked about the importance of exercise after surgery. She showed us some exercises and gave us her cards to come see her if we needed physio. I spoke with her and explained that I had been in the hospital in Vancouver, so was I still able to use her services at the Kelowna hospital – no problem!
I’ve now attended 3 sessions of physio with Dianna and my range of motion is definitely improving. My shoulder and chest have been aching a little more so she said not to push my at-home exercises as it is still pretty early. But things are looking good and perhaps in the New Year I can start doing some resistance training (ie pushing, pulling, lifting). For now I am limited with the left side to just stretching and range of motion activities.
The physio sessions are conducted in the hospital in a specialized area. There are pieces of exercise equipment everywhere and lots of people doing different exercises for different injuries/surgeries. The first day I arrived, I saw an older woman doing some arm exercises using a ball. Another woman was using the arm-bike. I don’t know how, but just by looking at them, I knew they were there for the same thing as me.
While on my table, I realized each of the women was on either side of me behind their own curtains on their own tables. I was lying there on the heat packs and couldn’t help but overhear their conversations with their physiotherapists. Both women were asked specifics of their surgeries, cancer diagnosis, etc. And while overhearing these conversations I realized something - once you have been diagnosed with an illness, dates start to become permanently embedded in your mind.
For example, there was a woman in one of the information sessions I attended and her hair was long enough to cover her head, but not long enough to have been a haircut. I asked her when her hair started growing back. She didn’t answer “Oh about 2 months ago” or “around the start of the fall”. She answered “My last chemo treatment was Aug 30th so after that.”
Same with the women in the physio department of the hospital – ‘when was your surgery’ gets answered with “I was diagnosed on September 29th and had surgery Oct 15th” or “Oct 29th was my surgery and I start my first chemo on January 6th”.
These dates stick with you. Normally I’ve been pretty decent at remembering dates – sure I’ll forget the occasional special occasion or a birthday will sneak up on me, but that happens to everyone. But you ask me anything about my cancer diagnosis and I can rattle off dates like a textbook. Even with my ‘chemo brain’ I can still tell you all my cancer diagnosis/treatment dates with precision.
Part of me hates that this has been embedded into my memory, taking up valuable space that could be used for other fun memories. But part of me knows that this is not just something I can forget – as much as I want to just get this treatment done with and push on.
But part of me also knows that dates are good for other things too – like celebrations! So if nothing else, maybe these newly embedded dates in my mind will give me cause to celebrate a few more times throughout the year :)
I attended this Breast Surgery Recovery group the day after I got home from Vancouver. A physiotherapist came and talked about the importance of exercise after surgery. She showed us some exercises and gave us her cards to come see her if we needed physio. I spoke with her and explained that I had been in the hospital in Vancouver, so was I still able to use her services at the Kelowna hospital – no problem!
I’ve now attended 3 sessions of physio with Dianna and my range of motion is definitely improving. My shoulder and chest have been aching a little more so she said not to push my at-home exercises as it is still pretty early. But things are looking good and perhaps in the New Year I can start doing some resistance training (ie pushing, pulling, lifting). For now I am limited with the left side to just stretching and range of motion activities.
The physio sessions are conducted in the hospital in a specialized area. There are pieces of exercise equipment everywhere and lots of people doing different exercises for different injuries/surgeries. The first day I arrived, I saw an older woman doing some arm exercises using a ball. Another woman was using the arm-bike. I don’t know how, but just by looking at them, I knew they were there for the same thing as me.
While on my table, I realized each of the women was on either side of me behind their own curtains on their own tables. I was lying there on the heat packs and couldn’t help but overhear their conversations with their physiotherapists. Both women were asked specifics of their surgeries, cancer diagnosis, etc. And while overhearing these conversations I realized something - once you have been diagnosed with an illness, dates start to become permanently embedded in your mind.
For example, there was a woman in one of the information sessions I attended and her hair was long enough to cover her head, but not long enough to have been a haircut. I asked her when her hair started growing back. She didn’t answer “Oh about 2 months ago” or “around the start of the fall”. She answered “My last chemo treatment was Aug 30th so after that.”
Same with the women in the physio department of the hospital – ‘when was your surgery’ gets answered with “I was diagnosed on September 29th and had surgery Oct 15th” or “Oct 29th was my surgery and I start my first chemo on January 6th”.
These dates stick with you. Normally I’ve been pretty decent at remembering dates – sure I’ll forget the occasional special occasion or a birthday will sneak up on me, but that happens to everyone. But you ask me anything about my cancer diagnosis and I can rattle off dates like a textbook. Even with my ‘chemo brain’ I can still tell you all my cancer diagnosis/treatment dates with precision.
Part of me hates that this has been embedded into my memory, taking up valuable space that could be used for other fun memories. But part of me knows that this is not just something I can forget – as much as I want to just get this treatment done with and push on.
But part of me also knows that dates are good for other things too – like celebrations! So if nothing else, maybe these newly embedded dates in my mind will give me cause to celebrate a few more times throughout the year :)
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Recovery (4 of 4)
I spent nearly a week at my Uncle’s in Vancouver starting the process of recovery from my surgery. I had lots of people come and visit which was awesome. I slept a lot. I slowly started getting a bit more mobile and able to do a few more things.
You don’t realize how much energy it requires to do most daily tasks are until you have limited mobility. Then everything seems to be a struggle. Getting dressed required another set of hands. Sitting up required a hand pushing me on my back. Everything had to be handed to me, as opposed to me reaching for it.
Both Cayley and my Dad were, and continue to be, awesome. I had lots of help, but boy was it frustrating.
Dealing with a drain is never fun either. It gets in the way, you have to empty it at least once a day, and you fear that you will accidentally rip it out.
Things also hurt a lot at times. I won’t try and be tough and tell you it wasn’t that bad – it was. There were times that this screaming pain ripped across my left chest, almost in the area of where my nipple should be to my back, and there was nothing I could do about it. I’d wince, try to remember to breath, and just wait until the pain subsided. It was never for a long period of time, but when it came, holy it hurt.
I went in to see my PSurg on Monday so she could take off my bandages and remove my drain. My friend came with me and Cayley wouldn’t leave the room – no matter how much I said I didn’t want him to see, he insisted that he’d get to see anyways – plus “I’m the one who is taking care of you so I have to know what to do.” Even when he doesn’t do what I want, I still can’t help but immensely love this man.
The PSurg removed my bandage that went across my chest, down my sides and across my belly. I thought it might pull a little, but I was not expecting the serious pain that came with it. She said they had to come off and there was no easy way to do it, but wowzers! Bits of my skin came off with the bandage, but it needed to be on tightly so I guess that’s sometimes the outcome.
I didn’t get a tonne of time to take in what it looked like, because next up was removing the drain. She said this would hurt but I was thinking it would just be more uncomfortable. The thought of removing the drain gave me the heebie-jeebies, but I figured it wouldn’t be all that painful. Wrong. My friend held my hand and kept reminding me to breathe. Thankfully it was over fairly quickly – and to be honest, in comparison to hassle of the drain, that few minutes of pain was okay if it meant it could come out!
The PSurg said everything looked great and that I could go home and to come back in two weeks to get the stitches removed and get my first official ‘fill-up’ for the expander. (she had filled up the expander a bit during surgery, but not too much).
I’m home now and fairing alright. I’m in pain a lot, I have a really hard time sleeping, and moving my one arm is still a big challenge. It’s slowly getting better every day, but it’s still not at a point where I can do much on my own. I am not allowed to drive for a least another week – so I am basically homebound until someone can chauffer me around.
How does it look? Well weird. My right breast is lifted, but there are still lots of bandages around it. My left breast is gone, in its place a smooth lump with some bandages. To top it off, my eyes are tired so I look like a raccoon. And I still have no eyebrows/eyelashes and am bald, so that doesn’t help either. Of course Cayley tells me I am still beautiful to him – hmmm, maybe he needs some glasses for Christmas! Haha But I do think this will take some getting used to. To be honest, I’m not as shocked by it as I thought I would be – and I seem to be handling it okay.
But another big step mostly done and now just need to rest and make sure to do my physio exercises to get back my range of motion and then I should be good to go for the next step. Man this feels like it is taking forever.
You don’t realize how much energy it requires to do most daily tasks are until you have limited mobility. Then everything seems to be a struggle. Getting dressed required another set of hands. Sitting up required a hand pushing me on my back. Everything had to be handed to me, as opposed to me reaching for it.
Both Cayley and my Dad were, and continue to be, awesome. I had lots of help, but boy was it frustrating.
Dealing with a drain is never fun either. It gets in the way, you have to empty it at least once a day, and you fear that you will accidentally rip it out.
Things also hurt a lot at times. I won’t try and be tough and tell you it wasn’t that bad – it was. There were times that this screaming pain ripped across my left chest, almost in the area of where my nipple should be to my back, and there was nothing I could do about it. I’d wince, try to remember to breath, and just wait until the pain subsided. It was never for a long period of time, but when it came, holy it hurt.
I went in to see my PSurg on Monday so she could take off my bandages and remove my drain. My friend came with me and Cayley wouldn’t leave the room – no matter how much I said I didn’t want him to see, he insisted that he’d get to see anyways – plus “I’m the one who is taking care of you so I have to know what to do.” Even when he doesn’t do what I want, I still can’t help but immensely love this man.
The PSurg removed my bandage that went across my chest, down my sides and across my belly. I thought it might pull a little, but I was not expecting the serious pain that came with it. She said they had to come off and there was no easy way to do it, but wowzers! Bits of my skin came off with the bandage, but it needed to be on tightly so I guess that’s sometimes the outcome.
I didn’t get a tonne of time to take in what it looked like, because next up was removing the drain. She said this would hurt but I was thinking it would just be more uncomfortable. The thought of removing the drain gave me the heebie-jeebies, but I figured it wouldn’t be all that painful. Wrong. My friend held my hand and kept reminding me to breathe. Thankfully it was over fairly quickly – and to be honest, in comparison to hassle of the drain, that few minutes of pain was okay if it meant it could come out!
The PSurg said everything looked great and that I could go home and to come back in two weeks to get the stitches removed and get my first official ‘fill-up’ for the expander. (she had filled up the expander a bit during surgery, but not too much).
I’m home now and fairing alright. I’m in pain a lot, I have a really hard time sleeping, and moving my one arm is still a big challenge. It’s slowly getting better every day, but it’s still not at a point where I can do much on my own. I am not allowed to drive for a least another week – so I am basically homebound until someone can chauffer me around.
How does it look? Well weird. My right breast is lifted, but there are still lots of bandages around it. My left breast is gone, in its place a smooth lump with some bandages. To top it off, my eyes are tired so I look like a raccoon. And I still have no eyebrows/eyelashes and am bald, so that doesn’t help either. Of course Cayley tells me I am still beautiful to him – hmmm, maybe he needs some glasses for Christmas! Haha But I do think this will take some getting used to. To be honest, I’m not as shocked by it as I thought I would be – and I seem to be handling it okay.
But another big step mostly done and now just need to rest and make sure to do my physio exercises to get back my range of motion and then I should be good to go for the next step. Man this feels like it is taking forever.
Post-Surgery (3 of 4)
I remember seeing my anaesthesiologist standing over me telling me it was all over. I don’t know if I dreamt that because she told me it would happen, or if it really did happen – but the next thing I really remember was being in the recovery room.
My nurse Debbie and my anaesthesiologist were looking after me. I was in a lot of pain when I woke up and was really uncomfortable. In pre-surgery, they tell you of the “pain scale” and that the nurses will ask you what your pain is like from 0-10, with 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt. Debbie asked me what my pain was and I said 8.
Why 8? I have no idea. It was definitely painful and I was really uncomfortable, but maybe I was thinking I had been in worse pain before? I have no idea when that time would have been. Maybe I was just trying to be a bit tough – 8 sounds not as bad as 10? I have no idea, but they gave me some morphine to help and started to get me ready to head up to the ward.
I was assigned to a semi-private room and hooked up to a machine that would allow me to administer my own morphine on a timed basis. Every 6 minutes I could give myself another shot if I needed it. I was still in a lot of pain when I got up to the ward, so I hit the button a few times in a row – it just beeped at me signalling me “too early!” The nurse who set up the machine told me it was timed so I wouldn’t become a drug addict. Okay, I guess I can handle a bit of pain for a few more minutes.
Cayley and my Dad came in right away to see me. It felt like forever since I had seen them, but really, it was only 4 hours.
My nurse was named Florence and she was from Nigeria. I couldn’t help but think of Florence Nightingale, so I knew I was in good hands.
My drain was pinned to my gown so I could see what I would have to deal with when I got home. Florence and the team of nurses emptied it for me while I was in the hospital, but I was on my own once I got home.
I also had these things wrapped around my lower legs that squeezed different air patterns through them at different intervals. This was to keep the blood circulating in my lower legs and prevent any complications.
I was given a few exercises to do to move my legs and help expand my chest. There was a big bandage around my chest so it felt really tight. Also I was told from the anesthesia and other drugs that I would need to take deep breaths to stretch out my chest.
My stay in the hospital was pretty routine. I had lots of people come visit me on Tuesday night. I slept on and off throughout the night. (it is hard to stay asleep when you need to take meds or get checked on every few hours – plus every time the pain medication wears off you wake up).
Wednesday morning came around and Cayley was there at 7am to make sure he didn’t miss seeing the surgeons check on me. Both surgeons said everything went smoothly and that we would see what things looked like when the bandages came off.
A physiotherapist and someone from Community Nursing came in to see me as well. I dozed on and off throughout the day. Honestly, I felt like I could have stayed another night and just slept – but then I’d look over at my Dad and Cayley and knew that if I didn’t get out of there, the two of them would likely keel over from boredom. They had read all the magazines, talked about every piece of equipment in my room, every bit of flooring or paint was discussed, and then they just sat there watching me. At least at home they could maybe find something else to do! Haha
I was discharged Wednesday afternoon and headed back to my Uncle’s place to start my recovery.
My nurse Debbie and my anaesthesiologist were looking after me. I was in a lot of pain when I woke up and was really uncomfortable. In pre-surgery, they tell you of the “pain scale” and that the nurses will ask you what your pain is like from 0-10, with 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt. Debbie asked me what my pain was and I said 8.
Why 8? I have no idea. It was definitely painful and I was really uncomfortable, but maybe I was thinking I had been in worse pain before? I have no idea when that time would have been. Maybe I was just trying to be a bit tough – 8 sounds not as bad as 10? I have no idea, but they gave me some morphine to help and started to get me ready to head up to the ward.
I was assigned to a semi-private room and hooked up to a machine that would allow me to administer my own morphine on a timed basis. Every 6 minutes I could give myself another shot if I needed it. I was still in a lot of pain when I got up to the ward, so I hit the button a few times in a row – it just beeped at me signalling me “too early!” The nurse who set up the machine told me it was timed so I wouldn’t become a drug addict. Okay, I guess I can handle a bit of pain for a few more minutes.
Cayley and my Dad came in right away to see me. It felt like forever since I had seen them, but really, it was only 4 hours.
My nurse was named Florence and she was from Nigeria. I couldn’t help but think of Florence Nightingale, so I knew I was in good hands.
My drain was pinned to my gown so I could see what I would have to deal with when I got home. Florence and the team of nurses emptied it for me while I was in the hospital, but I was on my own once I got home.
I also had these things wrapped around my lower legs that squeezed different air patterns through them at different intervals. This was to keep the blood circulating in my lower legs and prevent any complications.
I was given a few exercises to do to move my legs and help expand my chest. There was a big bandage around my chest so it felt really tight. Also I was told from the anesthesia and other drugs that I would need to take deep breaths to stretch out my chest.
My stay in the hospital was pretty routine. I had lots of people come visit me on Tuesday night. I slept on and off throughout the night. (it is hard to stay asleep when you need to take meds or get checked on every few hours – plus every time the pain medication wears off you wake up).
Wednesday morning came around and Cayley was there at 7am to make sure he didn’t miss seeing the surgeons check on me. Both surgeons said everything went smoothly and that we would see what things looked like when the bandages came off.
A physiotherapist and someone from Community Nursing came in to see me as well. I dozed on and off throughout the day. Honestly, I felt like I could have stayed another night and just slept – but then I’d look over at my Dad and Cayley and knew that if I didn’t get out of there, the two of them would likely keel over from boredom. They had read all the magazines, talked about every piece of equipment in my room, every bit of flooring or paint was discussed, and then they just sat there watching me. At least at home they could maybe find something else to do! Haha
I was discharged Wednesday afternoon and headed back to my Uncle’s place to start my recovery.
Surgery (2 of 4)
After arriving at the check-in counter for surgery, we took a quick walk around the block. This helped get my body moving and staved off the hunger pains I was starting to have. No eating or drinking for 11ish hours makes Aidan a wee bit angry at times…my friend down in SF coined the term “HAngry” and that is me in a nutshell some days!
My brother called before my surgery and I chatted with him for a bit – we joked around a bit, chatted and bit, then he wished me luck. (As a side-note, my Uncle, the doc, said as we left his house that morning “I’m not going to wish you luck – there is no luck involved, it’s all skill and you have a greatly skilled team of people taking care of you. See you soon.”) We didn’t have anything left to say in that phone call, but I really didn’t want to hang up. Hanging up meant I had nothing left to do but surgery and I wasn’t sure I was ready yet.
But as has happened for most of this year, my choices were limited, so I hung up the phone and went back to wait in the lobby.
My Surgeon called me first to talk to me. Up until that point, I felt like I was handling things fairly well. Sure, I was tired and a bit hungry, but I hadn’t cried or yelled or done anything really out of the ordinary. I felt pretty calm and that I was being patient while waiting. I went into the little room to chat with her. She had her scrubs on and her cap and asked me how I was doing. I said okay. She asked “Are you ready for this?” I sorta shrugged and she said “well as much as anyone can be ready I suppose.” I half smiled and then tears welled-up in my eyes – dammit, I didn’t want to cry!
She asked me which breast was being operated on, as I had to tell her for safety reasons (please don’t take the wrong one!!!), and then she wrote on my chest and told me she’d see me later.
I had to put on a hospital gown and these long green socks. Apparently they are compression socks to help avoid getting blood clots in my legs during surgery. They are also ugly as you can get – but I guess that means no one will steal them! Ha ha
My PSurg came in next to draw some more lines on me to help guide her and the Surgeon for what they needed to do. She told me that when this was all done, I’d have nice perky boobs – but it’s just a really hard way to get them. I laughed, and cried a bit, and then waited for the next person to come chat with me.
I was tearing up more than I would have liked. When I first got diagnosed, I read of a girl I had gone to high school with who was a bit older than me, but had gone through the same thing. I read her blog and on the day of her surgery her husband wrote the entry to update her family/friends. He said she was doing well before her surgery, smiling and laughing and making jokes with all the staff, and then he posted a photo of her in her hospital gown and funny cap you have to wear – she had a big smile on her face. When I read that I thought to myself, I want to be like her – brave and laughing enough that it makes it seem like not that big of a deal.
Well, I was nothing like her. I felt like I was okay, but then a nurse or doc would ask me something and I would start tearing up again. In fact, I’m tearing up right now writing this. I tried my hardest but I just couldn’t be as brave as I had hoped.
At least I didn’t freak out and try to run away! Or yell or scream. I just sat and waited and tried to make sure all my last-minute questions were answered and that I remembered my birthdate for the millionth time.
My anaesthesiologist was the next to see me. My Uncle specifically asked this woman to do my surgery and she agreed. She was really nice, attentive, young (mid-30s I’d guess) and my Uncle said she’s awesome at what she does. She certainly made me feel at ease and outlined each of the steps that would happen next. She told me that she’d help me go to sleep, then the next thing I would know she’d be waking me up, telling me it’s all over.
Ricky the nurse came in next all asked me a few more questions. He asked me what operation was being performed today, and of course, I start crying. I think he felt really bad and he told me he was sorry but I had to tell him, again for safety reasons. I managed to get it all out and he squeezed my hand and told me everything was going to go really well.
So I got onto the bed to get ready to be wheeled into the OR. I said goodbye to my Dad and Cayley and then the attendant wheeled me in. She smiled at me but all I could think about was her longish, white moustache…seriously! Maybe she was growing it for Mo’vember.
Ricky the nurse met us at the doors and guided my bed next to the OR table. I got onto the table and then he started to attach monitors to me. I kept staring at his Oakley eyeglasses and thinking that they were pretty stylish. Anything to keep my mind away from what was about to happen.
I had to be strapped to the table so I wouldn’t fall off. Then my anaesthesiologist gave me my IV, some oxygen, and then told me to think of nice thoughts. And then I was asleep.
My brother called before my surgery and I chatted with him for a bit – we joked around a bit, chatted and bit, then he wished me luck. (As a side-note, my Uncle, the doc, said as we left his house that morning “I’m not going to wish you luck – there is no luck involved, it’s all skill and you have a greatly skilled team of people taking care of you. See you soon.”) We didn’t have anything left to say in that phone call, but I really didn’t want to hang up. Hanging up meant I had nothing left to do but surgery and I wasn’t sure I was ready yet.
But as has happened for most of this year, my choices were limited, so I hung up the phone and went back to wait in the lobby.
My Surgeon called me first to talk to me. Up until that point, I felt like I was handling things fairly well. Sure, I was tired and a bit hungry, but I hadn’t cried or yelled or done anything really out of the ordinary. I felt pretty calm and that I was being patient while waiting. I went into the little room to chat with her. She had her scrubs on and her cap and asked me how I was doing. I said okay. She asked “Are you ready for this?” I sorta shrugged and she said “well as much as anyone can be ready I suppose.” I half smiled and then tears welled-up in my eyes – dammit, I didn’t want to cry!
She asked me which breast was being operated on, as I had to tell her for safety reasons (please don’t take the wrong one!!!), and then she wrote on my chest and told me she’d see me later.
I had to put on a hospital gown and these long green socks. Apparently they are compression socks to help avoid getting blood clots in my legs during surgery. They are also ugly as you can get – but I guess that means no one will steal them! Ha ha
My PSurg came in next to draw some more lines on me to help guide her and the Surgeon for what they needed to do. She told me that when this was all done, I’d have nice perky boobs – but it’s just a really hard way to get them. I laughed, and cried a bit, and then waited for the next person to come chat with me.
I was tearing up more than I would have liked. When I first got diagnosed, I read of a girl I had gone to high school with who was a bit older than me, but had gone through the same thing. I read her blog and on the day of her surgery her husband wrote the entry to update her family/friends. He said she was doing well before her surgery, smiling and laughing and making jokes with all the staff, and then he posted a photo of her in her hospital gown and funny cap you have to wear – she had a big smile on her face. When I read that I thought to myself, I want to be like her – brave and laughing enough that it makes it seem like not that big of a deal.
Well, I was nothing like her. I felt like I was okay, but then a nurse or doc would ask me something and I would start tearing up again. In fact, I’m tearing up right now writing this. I tried my hardest but I just couldn’t be as brave as I had hoped.
At least I didn’t freak out and try to run away! Or yell or scream. I just sat and waited and tried to make sure all my last-minute questions were answered and that I remembered my birthdate for the millionth time.
My anaesthesiologist was the next to see me. My Uncle specifically asked this woman to do my surgery and she agreed. She was really nice, attentive, young (mid-30s I’d guess) and my Uncle said she’s awesome at what she does. She certainly made me feel at ease and outlined each of the steps that would happen next. She told me that she’d help me go to sleep, then the next thing I would know she’d be waking me up, telling me it’s all over.
Ricky the nurse came in next all asked me a few more questions. He asked me what operation was being performed today, and of course, I start crying. I think he felt really bad and he told me he was sorry but I had to tell him, again for safety reasons. I managed to get it all out and he squeezed my hand and told me everything was going to go really well.
So I got onto the bed to get ready to be wheeled into the OR. I said goodbye to my Dad and Cayley and then the attendant wheeled me in. She smiled at me but all I could think about was her longish, white moustache…seriously! Maybe she was growing it for Mo’vember.
Ricky the nurse met us at the doors and guided my bed next to the OR table. I got onto the table and then he started to attach monitors to me. I kept staring at his Oakley eyeglasses and thinking that they were pretty stylish. Anything to keep my mind away from what was about to happen.
I had to be strapped to the table so I wouldn’t fall off. Then my anaesthesiologist gave me my IV, some oxygen, and then told me to think of nice thoughts. And then I was asleep.
Pre-Surgery (1 of 4)
Well I am home now, but haven’t had the energy to sit a computer long enough to type out my updates – so you will get a few in one shot.
We headed to Vancouver for my surgery. The only plans I had while there were to attend my pre-admissions appointment on Monday, surgery on Tuesday, and follow-up appointment the next Monday.
I will admit, having an Uncle who is a well-respected doctor at the hospital group you are going to really makes things a breeze. Pre-admissions started out with me checking in and watching a video about what surgery was like, the recovery room, and the ward. I was lucky enough that one of my most amazing friends specialized in recovery room nursing and was able to give me the low-down before I left – it was SO helpful to know ahead of time what to expect.
I had to give a few more blood samples to a nurse who checked my name, birthdate and id number about 14 times – good to know she’s thorough and has the right patient! It’s funny though – you think that you’d sound like a recording after repeating things so much…but they switch it up all the time! Keeps you on your toes to make sure you are really the person going in for surgery. Although, if you weren’t me, would you really want to do this willingly???
Then I met with a nurse and then an anaesthesiologist to answer a few more questions. They both work with my Uncle and were really nice and reassuring. They spent as much time as I wanted with them, yet were still efficient enough that we were done before the parking meter expired!
The rest of Monday was spent visiting my Grandma and shopping with one of my best friends. Seemed like a pretty normal day – except I was shopping for unscented lotions and shirts I could put on easily after surgery, not fun clothes or other fun things! (okay I’ll admit, we ducked into a few stores to look at clothes and boots ;) )
Tuesday rolled around and we were up early to head to the Nuclear Medicine department at the hospital. Because my MRI showed ‘no indication’ of tumours in the lymph nodes, the surgeon was only going to remove a sentinel node during my surgery. The sentinel node is the one that fluids first drain to in any specific area of the body, then it disperses the fluid to the other lymph nodes in the area to help flush out any waste or excess fluids. If the sentinel node is removed and examined and shows no sign of cancer, then my cancer will not have spread and we are all happy campers.
To find this sentinel node, I was given an injection of radioactive material into my breast near the nipple. During surgery, the surgeon would take an instrument and wave it over my chest – the loudest beep is where the radioactive material first went to drain and we have found the sentinel node! I’m imagining it was like a Geiger-Counter from Science 9 – but I was going to be asleep so I really don’t know.
After that I was ready for surgery so we headed over to the check-in area to wait until it was my turn.
We headed to Vancouver for my surgery. The only plans I had while there were to attend my pre-admissions appointment on Monday, surgery on Tuesday, and follow-up appointment the next Monday.
I will admit, having an Uncle who is a well-respected doctor at the hospital group you are going to really makes things a breeze. Pre-admissions started out with me checking in and watching a video about what surgery was like, the recovery room, and the ward. I was lucky enough that one of my most amazing friends specialized in recovery room nursing and was able to give me the low-down before I left – it was SO helpful to know ahead of time what to expect.
I had to give a few more blood samples to a nurse who checked my name, birthdate and id number about 14 times – good to know she’s thorough and has the right patient! It’s funny though – you think that you’d sound like a recording after repeating things so much…but they switch it up all the time! Keeps you on your toes to make sure you are really the person going in for surgery. Although, if you weren’t me, would you really want to do this willingly???
Then I met with a nurse and then an anaesthesiologist to answer a few more questions. They both work with my Uncle and were really nice and reassuring. They spent as much time as I wanted with them, yet were still efficient enough that we were done before the parking meter expired!
The rest of Monday was spent visiting my Grandma and shopping with one of my best friends. Seemed like a pretty normal day – except I was shopping for unscented lotions and shirts I could put on easily after surgery, not fun clothes or other fun things! (okay I’ll admit, we ducked into a few stores to look at clothes and boots ;) )
Tuesday rolled around and we were up early to head to the Nuclear Medicine department at the hospital. Because my MRI showed ‘no indication’ of tumours in the lymph nodes, the surgeon was only going to remove a sentinel node during my surgery. The sentinel node is the one that fluids first drain to in any specific area of the body, then it disperses the fluid to the other lymph nodes in the area to help flush out any waste or excess fluids. If the sentinel node is removed and examined and shows no sign of cancer, then my cancer will not have spread and we are all happy campers.
To find this sentinel node, I was given an injection of radioactive material into my breast near the nipple. During surgery, the surgeon would take an instrument and wave it over my chest – the loudest beep is where the radioactive material first went to drain and we have found the sentinel node! I’m imagining it was like a Geiger-Counter from Science 9 – but I was going to be asleep so I really don’t know.
After that I was ready for surgery so we headed over to the check-in area to wait until it was my turn.
Sunday, 20 November 2011
The Next Step
Today’s the day I leave for Vancouver to be down there for my surgery. I wanted to write something all week, but really I didn’t know what to write! Life sort of felt like it was getting back to ‘normal’. I had a lot of things to do to prepare – buying a variety of products to help with recovery, making a bunch of phone calls that I might not be able to while I’m away, visiting people, etc etc. And really it kinda seemed boring or too normal to chat about! haha
It seemed like everyone wanted to see me before I headed off to Vancouver – part of me was really happy about that, but part of me was also a little irritated – I mean, I have been here for a while, and people knew when the date was – maybe not squishing it in at the last minute would have been okay too??? But I realized that I was being silly – it’s great to hang out with friends and I have been feeling a lot better lately and able to handle more visiting time. And I made sure that if I couldn’t make it work, to not worry about it, not try and squish it in, and just do what I felt I needed to do.
The last week has been pretty good. People have been telling me I look a lot better than they have seen me look in a long time. Part of that is due to the make-up I can now wear as my skin doesn’t get irritated. Part of it is because I am feeling really great (well comparatively so!!) so I am sure my mood and my spirits aid in my appearance. And part of it is because I no longer have to be on all the different drugs!
I’m still tired a lot – I get tired quickly, I stay in bed for a long time – but I feel better overall. My one friend told me I looked good and when I told her it was likely the make-up she replied “no, you looked tired before. Now you don’t look so tired.” And the colour is returning to my face – I’m not so washed-out/grayish anymore!
It’s been hard to celebrate feeling way better, as surgery has quickly approached. I had a lot of errands to do before the surgery and felt I had to get a lot done before heading to Vancouver. I was chatting with a friend and she said that after reading my blog it seems like I’m not scared about surgery. I should clear that up – I am definitely scared. It’s hard to imagine how my life will be like after I have this done. I wonder about if I will really be able to play sports again, if I will look okay once it’s all done, if the procedure will go as planned.
But at the same time, I know this has to be done. I don’t want to do it, but I know that I need to suck up those feelings and march on with it. Just after I attended a Breast Reconstruction support group meeting, I think I resigned to the fact that it is happening and no matter if I ask 10 questions or 10 million, I still have to go through with it. I’ve done my research, I’ve asked the questions I was worried about, I’ve bought the recommended items to help, and now I just have to go through with it.
I went for lunch to a great Chinese place with my Dad on Friday. We ate and then got our fortune cookies. Mine read “Be brave enough to live creatively”. I just kept staring at the first two words “Be Brave”. Felt it was a bit fitting for my upcoming week, so I stuck it in my pocket so I wouldn’t forget to be brave.
Last night I took pictures of my bare chest. I will likely never look at them, but more than one person who has gone through this has told me to do it as it helped them. I guess I’d rather have the picture and never look at it, then not have it and wish I did.
Anyways, I still have to finish packing before we head out. I’m very thankful that Dad and Cayley will both be with me, and that I have a terrific group of family and friends down in Vancouver to make me smile. As of Tuesday at 1030am, my life will have changed again and I will be one step closer to being cancer-free.
It seemed like everyone wanted to see me before I headed off to Vancouver – part of me was really happy about that, but part of me was also a little irritated – I mean, I have been here for a while, and people knew when the date was – maybe not squishing it in at the last minute would have been okay too??? But I realized that I was being silly – it’s great to hang out with friends and I have been feeling a lot better lately and able to handle more visiting time. And I made sure that if I couldn’t make it work, to not worry about it, not try and squish it in, and just do what I felt I needed to do.
The last week has been pretty good. People have been telling me I look a lot better than they have seen me look in a long time. Part of that is due to the make-up I can now wear as my skin doesn’t get irritated. Part of it is because I am feeling really great (well comparatively so!!) so I am sure my mood and my spirits aid in my appearance. And part of it is because I no longer have to be on all the different drugs!
I’m still tired a lot – I get tired quickly, I stay in bed for a long time – but I feel better overall. My one friend told me I looked good and when I told her it was likely the make-up she replied “no, you looked tired before. Now you don’t look so tired.” And the colour is returning to my face – I’m not so washed-out/grayish anymore!
It’s been hard to celebrate feeling way better, as surgery has quickly approached. I had a lot of errands to do before the surgery and felt I had to get a lot done before heading to Vancouver. I was chatting with a friend and she said that after reading my blog it seems like I’m not scared about surgery. I should clear that up – I am definitely scared. It’s hard to imagine how my life will be like after I have this done. I wonder about if I will really be able to play sports again, if I will look okay once it’s all done, if the procedure will go as planned.
But at the same time, I know this has to be done. I don’t want to do it, but I know that I need to suck up those feelings and march on with it. Just after I attended a Breast Reconstruction support group meeting, I think I resigned to the fact that it is happening and no matter if I ask 10 questions or 10 million, I still have to go through with it. I’ve done my research, I’ve asked the questions I was worried about, I’ve bought the recommended items to help, and now I just have to go through with it.
I went for lunch to a great Chinese place with my Dad on Friday. We ate and then got our fortune cookies. Mine read “Be brave enough to live creatively”. I just kept staring at the first two words “Be Brave”. Felt it was a bit fitting for my upcoming week, so I stuck it in my pocket so I wouldn’t forget to be brave.
Last night I took pictures of my bare chest. I will likely never look at them, but more than one person who has gone through this has told me to do it as it helped them. I guess I’d rather have the picture and never look at it, then not have it and wish I did.
Anyways, I still have to finish packing before we head out. I’m very thankful that Dad and Cayley will both be with me, and that I have a terrific group of family and friends down in Vancouver to make me smile. As of Tuesday at 1030am, my life will have changed again and I will be one step closer to being cancer-free.
Saturday, 12 November 2011
The Results
Last week I went to see my oncology Doctor for my scheduled appointment. I was also having my first IV of only Herceptin in the chemo room. No, I don’t need to have any more chemo, but I do need to take Herceptin 17 times in total, and I have only done 4. So every three weeks I will have to go back to the chemo room and receive my IV.
For the first time since this whole thing began, I was actually quite happy heading to the cancer agency. Don’t get me wrong, the place itself is great. The staff are caring, supportive and helpful and many of the things you need are all at the same place (oncology, radiation, relaxation groups, patient and family counselling, nutritional services, library of books/dvds/cds, etc etc). But for a long time, it felt like every time I got under that roof, I would cry at a moment’s notice.
But not last week! I was happy, talking to the staff, relaxed. I think I just knew that the chemo was over and really, what could be worse?
I saw my Doctor and she had the results of my Echo and my MRI. The Echo showed that my heart is handling everything well – apparently there was little to no change from my baseline Echo. The MRI report compared my initial MRI done in SF in April to the one done about 10 days before my doc’s appointment.
According to Dr. Taylor the report showed that I responded extremely well to the chemo. There now only appears to be one 6 millimeter mass, whereas before there were 6 areas of “mass-like enhancements” with the most prominent mass measuring 2.5 x 2.7 cm. The other 5 ranged from 6mm-12mm. The other breast looks clear and the lymph nodes also look clear.
The Doc seemed very happy with how I had responded and I found myself feeling a little bit relieved. With a mass still there, I definitely need to have the full mastectomy to remove it. I guess I was hoping I didn’t have to do it, but all the docs seem to agree that it’s the best course of action for the best long term results. And knowing that there is still something there makes me feel better about going through with the procedure.
I also was relieved to hear that the chemo did its job. Logically I knew that I had to go through it as part of my treatment, but there was still a small part of me that wondered if I went through all the awfulness of the past 6 months for nothing. But it wasn’t for nothing – it worked. And it will likely give my surgical team the best shot at getting it all with clear margins. (margins are non-infected tissue areas around the tumours that they take to ensure they got the entire tumour).
To continue monitoring me on Herceptin, I will have to go in for an Echo and see the oncologist every 3 months. Herceptin is usually tolerated fairly well, and so far, I haven’t had many side effects. I was quite tired this week, but nothing like I had been. I’m starting to feel better and my face is getting back some colour. Still no eye-lash or eyebrow growth, but I am sure that will come soon.
10 more days until the big day!
For the first time since this whole thing began, I was actually quite happy heading to the cancer agency. Don’t get me wrong, the place itself is great. The staff are caring, supportive and helpful and many of the things you need are all at the same place (oncology, radiation, relaxation groups, patient and family counselling, nutritional services, library of books/dvds/cds, etc etc). But for a long time, it felt like every time I got under that roof, I would cry at a moment’s notice.
But not last week! I was happy, talking to the staff, relaxed. I think I just knew that the chemo was over and really, what could be worse?
I saw my Doctor and she had the results of my Echo and my MRI. The Echo showed that my heart is handling everything well – apparently there was little to no change from my baseline Echo. The MRI report compared my initial MRI done in SF in April to the one done about 10 days before my doc’s appointment.
According to Dr. Taylor the report showed that I responded extremely well to the chemo. There now only appears to be one 6 millimeter mass, whereas before there were 6 areas of “mass-like enhancements” with the most prominent mass measuring 2.5 x 2.7 cm. The other 5 ranged from 6mm-12mm. The other breast looks clear and the lymph nodes also look clear.
The Doc seemed very happy with how I had responded and I found myself feeling a little bit relieved. With a mass still there, I definitely need to have the full mastectomy to remove it. I guess I was hoping I didn’t have to do it, but all the docs seem to agree that it’s the best course of action for the best long term results. And knowing that there is still something there makes me feel better about going through with the procedure.
I also was relieved to hear that the chemo did its job. Logically I knew that I had to go through it as part of my treatment, but there was still a small part of me that wondered if I went through all the awfulness of the past 6 months for nothing. But it wasn’t for nothing – it worked. And it will likely give my surgical team the best shot at getting it all with clear margins. (margins are non-infected tissue areas around the tumours that they take to ensure they got the entire tumour).
To continue monitoring me on Herceptin, I will have to go in for an Echo and see the oncologist every 3 months. Herceptin is usually tolerated fairly well, and so far, I haven’t had many side effects. I was quite tired this week, but nothing like I had been. I’m starting to feel better and my face is getting back some colour. Still no eye-lash or eyebrow growth, but I am sure that will come soon.
10 more days until the big day!
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
The week in review
Yes, I realize it’s only Wednesday, so the week isn’t over yet – hardly time for a ‘week in review’! But it has been a great week so far and I just wanted to share.
Sunday – headed to the hospital for an Echo test on my heart. The woman who was conducting my test had started the department back in 1978 so she really knew her stuff. She also was one of the technicians in the first clinical trial of Herceptin in BC. Talking to her was awesome – she told me all of the Herceptin patients she followed had extremely good outcomes – yah! She reassured me that everything would work out for me.
Monday – Halloween! I headed to work in a costume for our staff lunch. We had Chinese food which was great. Even better was that I had eaten something that turned out to be a little bit spicy, and it wasn’t too bad on my tongue/stomach!! My system is definitely not what it was, but this makes me think that maybe it’s getting better?
I also had a lot of my questions regarding my upcoming surgery addressed. They aren’t all answered yet, but my PSurg’s office and the Breast Cancer Navigator at the cancer agency both said they are doing some research to find me the answers I want before my surgery.
Tuesday – I was on my way to a massage appointment to help get my shoulders/chest prepared for my upcoming surgery when I received a call from the cancer agency. A nurse was calling to let me know that I would receive the full results of the MRI I did on Friday at my next visit with the oncologist (Nov 8th). But in the mean time they didn’t want me to worry so they called to let me know that it looked like I responded “extremely well” to the chemo and they detected no disease in the other (the right side) breast. Yippee!! Full details are coming next week, but for now, yahoo!
Then my massage therapist noticed my hair was growing back! I thought it was, but having someone else point it out is always reassuring
I played soccer last night and while I was way out of shape and a lot tired, it felt great – I even scored a goal!
Wednesday – Today I went to a relaxation group at the cancer agency and really felt awesome after I left. I headed over to meet two people I have met during ‘all this’ – one who went through a cancer diagnosis and treatment 4 years ago at age 36, and one woman who is going through treatment now. It was so awesome to see them and just talk about cancery type things…it’s always nice to hear advice or stories from people who have been through something similar.
So that’s been my week so far. I’m feeling a lot better and hoping that it’s just keeps getting better from this point forward. My mood is really great, my body feels better, and I am just getting really excited about a lot of little things. What a great start to the week!
Sunday – headed to the hospital for an Echo test on my heart. The woman who was conducting my test had started the department back in 1978 so she really knew her stuff. She also was one of the technicians in the first clinical trial of Herceptin in BC. Talking to her was awesome – she told me all of the Herceptin patients she followed had extremely good outcomes – yah! She reassured me that everything would work out for me.
Monday – Halloween! I headed to work in a costume for our staff lunch. We had Chinese food which was great. Even better was that I had eaten something that turned out to be a little bit spicy, and it wasn’t too bad on my tongue/stomach!! My system is definitely not what it was, but this makes me think that maybe it’s getting better?
I also had a lot of my questions regarding my upcoming surgery addressed. They aren’t all answered yet, but my PSurg’s office and the Breast Cancer Navigator at the cancer agency both said they are doing some research to find me the answers I want before my surgery.
Tuesday – I was on my way to a massage appointment to help get my shoulders/chest prepared for my upcoming surgery when I received a call from the cancer agency. A nurse was calling to let me know that I would receive the full results of the MRI I did on Friday at my next visit with the oncologist (Nov 8th). But in the mean time they didn’t want me to worry so they called to let me know that it looked like I responded “extremely well” to the chemo and they detected no disease in the other (the right side) breast. Yippee!! Full details are coming next week, but for now, yahoo!
Then my massage therapist noticed my hair was growing back! I thought it was, but having someone else point it out is always reassuring
I played soccer last night and while I was way out of shape and a lot tired, it felt great – I even scored a goal!
Wednesday – Today I went to a relaxation group at the cancer agency and really felt awesome after I left. I headed over to meet two people I have met during ‘all this’ – one who went through a cancer diagnosis and treatment 4 years ago at age 36, and one woman who is going through treatment now. It was so awesome to see them and just talk about cancery type things…it’s always nice to hear advice or stories from people who have been through something similar.
So that’s been my week so far. I’m feeling a lot better and hoping that it’s just keeps getting better from this point forward. My mood is really great, my body feels better, and I am just getting really excited about a lot of little things. What a great start to the week!
The Cancer Patient’s Purse
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what comes with cancer treatment – and what most people would never imagine life is like when going through this. It’s not just the medication, the treatment, the side-effects, the seemingly endless appointments – it’s the ‘life stuff’ too. It’s remarkable how your life needs to adjust in small ways to make it easier to get through everything.
For example, my purse. As I near the end of my chemo ‘stuff’ (ie recovering from the drugs, finally starting to feel better, etc), I realized that I soon will be able to de-clutter my purse of all the items currently in there to help me through this first part.
My purse is nothing out of the ordinary from the outside – medium sized black bag with a few zippers. But what’s inside definitely differs from that of most women my age.
Here’s a list of what is (or was) in my purse that is related to my cancer treatment:
1. Tissues and Q-tips – my eyes will not stop watering so I need to have tissues or q-tips on hand to wipe away the wetness. Eyelashes truly do help your eyes, and not having them really makes the watery moments a lot more messy!
2. Thermometer – During this time, I cannot get sick. So if I even feel a little bit “off” I’m supposed to take my temperature and ensure that I am between 36-38 degrees C. If I were to get over 38 degrees, I need to go immediately to the emergency room. Which leads me to item #3…
3. Emergency Room note – I’ve had to carry around a note with instructions from the cancer agency in case I ended up in the emergency room. It explains to the staff there what to do with me in case of an emergency, which drugs I am on, and who to contact if there are problems.
4. Tums – the ol’ stomach just does not handle things as well as it had. The stomach lining and its cells have been damaged by the chemo, and thus make my tummy a lot rough at times.
5. Plastic bags – For my first set of chemo drugs I carried around a few ziplock bags and a black plastic bag in my purse. Why, you ask? Well in case I got sick, I could puke in the ziplock bag so it wouldn’t leak out, then put that in the black plastic bag so it would be discreet until I found a trash can.
6. Plastic gloves – in case of the situation in #5, plastic gloves were on hand so that if someone was helping me, they would be protected. Apparently chemo puke can be toxic to other people if they get any on them.
7. Eyebrow pencil – drawn-on eyebrows don’t last all day like real eyebrows
8. Sanitary wipes – because people are constantly sick and touching things with their yucky germy hands!
9. Hand sanitizer – see #8
10. Tylenol – not Advil, not ibuprofen, not aspirin - Tylenol only. Apparently the other pain relievers can interfere with my treatment
11. Throat lozenges – but not just any throat lozenges – no sour, citrus, minty flavours as my taste buds cannot handle it. You try finding lozenges without ANY of those…geesh!
12. Cuticle cream – my nails are affected by the chemo so I need to ensure they are constantly moisturized so they don’t peel, crack, or become otherwise irritated or infected
13. Snack – I have a very hard time distinguishing when I am hungry. In fact, I think my hunger sensation has taken a bit of a vacation for the moment. But sometimes when I start to feel really tired and drained, it is my body needing nutrition. Having something on the go helps me until I am able to get home and make something. It often staves off the nauseous feelings as well.
14. Water – getting dehydrated is not in my best interest…well, it’s not really in anyone’s best interest! But having water in my purse also helps with the common side effect of dry mouth - at least until I can get home or somewhere to get more liquid.
15. My book – a little book that I keep track of my doctor’s information, appointment information I have, phone numbers for various places, instructions on what I need to do/eat/etc. I get called all the time about new instructions from the docs, new appointments, referrals to other services, etc. I need a place to track everything while out and about.
I am definitely looking forward to getting rid of a lot of these items and lightening up the purse! Soon I will need it to be lighter anyways – after surgery I am not supposed to lift more than 10lbs! ;)
For example, my purse. As I near the end of my chemo ‘stuff’ (ie recovering from the drugs, finally starting to feel better, etc), I realized that I soon will be able to de-clutter my purse of all the items currently in there to help me through this first part.
My purse is nothing out of the ordinary from the outside – medium sized black bag with a few zippers. But what’s inside definitely differs from that of most women my age.
Here’s a list of what is (or was) in my purse that is related to my cancer treatment:
1. Tissues and Q-tips – my eyes will not stop watering so I need to have tissues or q-tips on hand to wipe away the wetness. Eyelashes truly do help your eyes, and not having them really makes the watery moments a lot more messy!
2. Thermometer – During this time, I cannot get sick. So if I even feel a little bit “off” I’m supposed to take my temperature and ensure that I am between 36-38 degrees C. If I were to get over 38 degrees, I need to go immediately to the emergency room. Which leads me to item #3…
3. Emergency Room note – I’ve had to carry around a note with instructions from the cancer agency in case I ended up in the emergency room. It explains to the staff there what to do with me in case of an emergency, which drugs I am on, and who to contact if there are problems.
4. Tums – the ol’ stomach just does not handle things as well as it had. The stomach lining and its cells have been damaged by the chemo, and thus make my tummy a lot rough at times.
5. Plastic bags – For my first set of chemo drugs I carried around a few ziplock bags and a black plastic bag in my purse. Why, you ask? Well in case I got sick, I could puke in the ziplock bag so it wouldn’t leak out, then put that in the black plastic bag so it would be discreet until I found a trash can.
6. Plastic gloves – in case of the situation in #5, plastic gloves were on hand so that if someone was helping me, they would be protected. Apparently chemo puke can be toxic to other people if they get any on them.
7. Eyebrow pencil – drawn-on eyebrows don’t last all day like real eyebrows
8. Sanitary wipes – because people are constantly sick and touching things with their yucky germy hands!
9. Hand sanitizer – see #8
10. Tylenol – not Advil, not ibuprofen, not aspirin - Tylenol only. Apparently the other pain relievers can interfere with my treatment
11. Throat lozenges – but not just any throat lozenges – no sour, citrus, minty flavours as my taste buds cannot handle it. You try finding lozenges without ANY of those…geesh!
12. Cuticle cream – my nails are affected by the chemo so I need to ensure they are constantly moisturized so they don’t peel, crack, or become otherwise irritated or infected
13. Snack – I have a very hard time distinguishing when I am hungry. In fact, I think my hunger sensation has taken a bit of a vacation for the moment. But sometimes when I start to feel really tired and drained, it is my body needing nutrition. Having something on the go helps me until I am able to get home and make something. It often staves off the nauseous feelings as well.
14. Water – getting dehydrated is not in my best interest…well, it’s not really in anyone’s best interest! But having water in my purse also helps with the common side effect of dry mouth - at least until I can get home or somewhere to get more liquid.
15. My book – a little book that I keep track of my doctor’s information, appointment information I have, phone numbers for various places, instructions on what I need to do/eat/etc. I get called all the time about new instructions from the docs, new appointments, referrals to other services, etc. I need a place to track everything while out and about.
I am definitely looking forward to getting rid of a lot of these items and lightening up the purse! Soon I will need it to be lighter anyways – after surgery I am not supposed to lift more than 10lbs! ;)
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Surgery Details
Many people have been asking me the same questions regarding my surgery, so here is a list of the particulars that I know so far:
Date – Tuesday November 22nd
Location – Mt St. Joseph`s hospital, Vancouver
Surgery – full mastectomy of one breast with a tissue expander put in place. Lift on the non-cancer breast to make sure it matches the other side. Will have to have an additional surgery after the expander is up to full size to remove the expander and insert a permanent implant.
Days in hospital – likely 1 overnight, but could be 1-3 depending on how my recovery goes
Days spent in Vancouver – likely a week. I will likely be there on November 21st, and then leave around November 29th. I have to see my PSurg on Nov 28th to remove the bandages and drains (attached to my incision site) so I think I will head back to Kelowna after that.
Where am I staying – other than my night in the hospital, I do not know yet
Can I have visitors? – Yes please! But do keep in mind I might only be up for short visits – thinking about this already has me super tired!
Am I scared? – very much so.
Date – Tuesday November 22nd
Location – Mt St. Joseph`s hospital, Vancouver
Surgery – full mastectomy of one breast with a tissue expander put in place. Lift on the non-cancer breast to make sure it matches the other side. Will have to have an additional surgery after the expander is up to full size to remove the expander and insert a permanent implant.
Days in hospital – likely 1 overnight, but could be 1-3 depending on how my recovery goes
Days spent in Vancouver – likely a week. I will likely be there on November 21st, and then leave around November 29th. I have to see my PSurg on Nov 28th to remove the bandages and drains (attached to my incision site) so I think I will head back to Kelowna after that.
Where am I staying – other than my night in the hospital, I do not know yet
Can I have visitors? – Yes please! But do keep in mind I might only be up for short visits – thinking about this already has me super tired!
Am I scared? – very much so.
Vancouver update (part 2 of 2)
Monday morning came around and before heading off to see my surgeon, my Aunt made us a great breakfast. This gave me a bit of time to write out a list of questions to ask during my appointment – get a few things off my mind and add any other questions her or Cayley felt were important.
We first hit up my plastic surgeon’s office. To avoid confusion, I’ll call her the Plastic Surgeon (or PSurg) and my “removal” surgeon can be the “Surgeon”. I needed to sign off on consent forms for the PSurg part of my operation.
We then picked up my Dad and headed to the Surgeon’s office. I have done a lot of waiting in the past 6+ months in a lot of waiting rooms – and most of the time, I don’t mind…unless it’s getting really long, but for the most part, it’s not so bad. But what I find hard sometimes is that people want to talk to me. It depends who is with me, but for the most part, I’m happy to sit there in silence with my thoughts. I don’t want a running conversation – it’s still super hard to process that all this is happening, so to make some small talk often is just too much. Maybe silence makes other people uncomfortable, but right now, I think I just need that small moment of waiting to sort out what I need to.
Anyways, it was my turn to head into the Surgeon’s office and the three of us sat down. The Surgeon wanted to take a look at me so we pulled aside a curtain so she could take a peek. She was asking me a few things during the whole time, but I swear Dad and Cayley thought that curtain drown out their conversation as well…all I could hear was them talking about sports. So if you can imagine, I’m lying on the examination table, the doctor is doing her thing, and I have to stop her mid-sentence and tell the boys to pipe down!
She said she thought the site looked and felt a lot better. Cayley ran through the list of questions I had written down – I just couldn’t bring myself to talk. I could feel tears coming but I tried really hard to hold them at bay, and my silence seemed to be the only way to do it.
I managed to eek out one question and asked her if this (this being a mastectomy) was still the best way to go. Maybe I was hoping we could change it. The finality of it all just seemed way too close. Her opinion was that it’s best to proceed as we don’t want to miss anything and have to go through this again.
I thanked the doctor, told her I’d see her on the 22nd, and left to head home to Kelowna. I cried the whole way to Abbotsford. Not constant crying, but every few minutes I would just start quietly sobbing. I don’t know what I was expecting – I mean, I’ve kinda known this would happen since April – but it just seemed to hit me much harder than I thought.
The last three days have been very hard emotionally too. Crying takes over at a moment’s notice and I can’t stop. My allergic reaction has come back and my throat was a bit sore, my face very blotchy and red, and I just have no appetite.
Today feels a lot better and I feel like I have been told/given some tools to help me get through this next part. I’m going to try and find a physio person to see if I can do any pre-surgery exercises I can do to help aid my recovery. I’m going to make a list of questions I still might have about my surgery and get them answered. I’m going to chat with the ladies at the Breast Reconstruction group I have been going to and see what they say. But mostly, I think I’m just going to try and relax and take care of myself these next few weeks in preparation for a few weeks of recovery.
We first hit up my plastic surgeon’s office. To avoid confusion, I’ll call her the Plastic Surgeon (or PSurg) and my “removal” surgeon can be the “Surgeon”. I needed to sign off on consent forms for the PSurg part of my operation.
We then picked up my Dad and headed to the Surgeon’s office. I have done a lot of waiting in the past 6+ months in a lot of waiting rooms – and most of the time, I don’t mind…unless it’s getting really long, but for the most part, it’s not so bad. But what I find hard sometimes is that people want to talk to me. It depends who is with me, but for the most part, I’m happy to sit there in silence with my thoughts. I don’t want a running conversation – it’s still super hard to process that all this is happening, so to make some small talk often is just too much. Maybe silence makes other people uncomfortable, but right now, I think I just need that small moment of waiting to sort out what I need to.
Anyways, it was my turn to head into the Surgeon’s office and the three of us sat down. The Surgeon wanted to take a look at me so we pulled aside a curtain so she could take a peek. She was asking me a few things during the whole time, but I swear Dad and Cayley thought that curtain drown out their conversation as well…all I could hear was them talking about sports. So if you can imagine, I’m lying on the examination table, the doctor is doing her thing, and I have to stop her mid-sentence and tell the boys to pipe down!
She said she thought the site looked and felt a lot better. Cayley ran through the list of questions I had written down – I just couldn’t bring myself to talk. I could feel tears coming but I tried really hard to hold them at bay, and my silence seemed to be the only way to do it.
I managed to eek out one question and asked her if this (this being a mastectomy) was still the best way to go. Maybe I was hoping we could change it. The finality of it all just seemed way too close. Her opinion was that it’s best to proceed as we don’t want to miss anything and have to go through this again.
I thanked the doctor, told her I’d see her on the 22nd, and left to head home to Kelowna. I cried the whole way to Abbotsford. Not constant crying, but every few minutes I would just start quietly sobbing. I don’t know what I was expecting – I mean, I’ve kinda known this would happen since April – but it just seemed to hit me much harder than I thought.
The last three days have been very hard emotionally too. Crying takes over at a moment’s notice and I can’t stop. My allergic reaction has come back and my throat was a bit sore, my face very blotchy and red, and I just have no appetite.
Today feels a lot better and I feel like I have been told/given some tools to help me get through this next part. I’m going to try and find a physio person to see if I can do any pre-surgery exercises I can do to help aid my recovery. I’m going to make a list of questions I still might have about my surgery and get them answered. I’m going to chat with the ladies at the Breast Reconstruction group I have been going to and see what they say. But mostly, I think I’m just going to try and relax and take care of myself these next few weeks in preparation for a few weeks of recovery.
Vancouver update (part 1 of 2)
Last weekend I headed to Vancouver to stand by the side of one of my best friends from high school as she got married. Three of us were best buds in high school and have remained close throughout the years. Both girls got married this year, a short 6 weeks apart, and I was lucky enough to be part of both of their special days.
As I had to go through treatment only a few short days before each wedding, I took some notes the first time to make sure I was prepared for this wedding. I brought along a little foldable stool to sit on during the photography session as I knew I would get tired fast and need to sit down. I made sure to rest all week so I would have enough energy to last the whole day. I brought snacks that I could eat throughout the day, etc. I was ready as I ever was going to be.
But part of me was really anxious about the event – who wants to be the bridesmaid who is so exhausted that she has to stop part way down the aisle to take a rest? I worried that my situation would start impacting my friend’s day and I really did not want that.
Then there is the whole issue of photos. At the rehearsal dinner one friend took a picture of the three of us, and I just about cried on the spot – I look awful. Maybe I am unconsciously avoiding mirrors lately, or maybe I just forget how tired, puffy, etc that I really do look. I hadn’t seen the pictures from the first wedding – did I even want to see?? And my poor friend – she looked so stunning…to make her pictures look decent I would need some serious photo-shop editing!
However, as always, the day came and it went off without a hitch. Yes, I was tired – but I had a lot of opportunity to sit down and rest. My hair and make-up artists did a great job and I think they hid a lot of my ‘sickness’ look. My eyes wouldn’t stop watering, but I just let people believe that the wedding was tearing me up. (well I’ll be honest, sometimes it did!) When I first put on my dress I was a little uncomfortable in thinking that it didn’t look good – but as the day wore on, I got more comfortable and noticed that I really liked it. I gave my speech, I danced, ate some amazing cake and overall had a great time.
The rest of the weekend was nice as well. It was a beautiful Fall day in Vancouver. We watched my 12 year old cousin play in her soccer game. We headed over to my Uncle’s house for dinner – he hosted my mom’s whole side of the family! It was so great to catch up with everyone (9 adults and 5 kids, plus Cayley, my Dad, brother and I) in such a relaxed environment. I am so appreciative for all the hard work my Aunt, Uncle and cousin put into such a great evening.
I went to bed that night feeling like I’d had such a nice weekend…not thinking much about my surgeon’s appointment the next morning. But more about that next…
As I had to go through treatment only a few short days before each wedding, I took some notes the first time to make sure I was prepared for this wedding. I brought along a little foldable stool to sit on during the photography session as I knew I would get tired fast and need to sit down. I made sure to rest all week so I would have enough energy to last the whole day. I brought snacks that I could eat throughout the day, etc. I was ready as I ever was going to be.
But part of me was really anxious about the event – who wants to be the bridesmaid who is so exhausted that she has to stop part way down the aisle to take a rest? I worried that my situation would start impacting my friend’s day and I really did not want that.
Then there is the whole issue of photos. At the rehearsal dinner one friend took a picture of the three of us, and I just about cried on the spot – I look awful. Maybe I am unconsciously avoiding mirrors lately, or maybe I just forget how tired, puffy, etc that I really do look. I hadn’t seen the pictures from the first wedding – did I even want to see?? And my poor friend – she looked so stunning…to make her pictures look decent I would need some serious photo-shop editing!
However, as always, the day came and it went off without a hitch. Yes, I was tired – but I had a lot of opportunity to sit down and rest. My hair and make-up artists did a great job and I think they hid a lot of my ‘sickness’ look. My eyes wouldn’t stop watering, but I just let people believe that the wedding was tearing me up. (well I’ll be honest, sometimes it did!) When I first put on my dress I was a little uncomfortable in thinking that it didn’t look good – but as the day wore on, I got more comfortable and noticed that I really liked it. I gave my speech, I danced, ate some amazing cake and overall had a great time.
The rest of the weekend was nice as well. It was a beautiful Fall day in Vancouver. We watched my 12 year old cousin play in her soccer game. We headed over to my Uncle’s house for dinner – he hosted my mom’s whole side of the family! It was so great to catch up with everyone (9 adults and 5 kids, plus Cayley, my Dad, brother and I) in such a relaxed environment. I am so appreciative for all the hard work my Aunt, Uncle and cousin put into such a great evening.
I went to bed that night feeling like I’d had such a nice weekend…not thinking much about my surgeon’s appointment the next morning. But more about that next…
Positivity
In trying to settle out my life ‘post-chemo’ I found myself going through a lot of the pamphlets and handouts that I was given at the start of my diagnosis. Truth be told, I did not (and still haven’t) read all of them. There is just so much information out there that processing it all has taken its toll.
Part of me feels a little guilty for not reading all I can to make sure that I am doing the best thing, but there is a huge part of me that knows that it would be extremely difficult to accomplish that task. My concentration has been only available in small pieces here and there since April. And honestly, even if I did learn just one more small bit of information, would it make THAT big of a difference in how I am being treated? Very doubtful that my medical team will change my course of action at this point.
However, in saying that, there is always something new to learn, and it really is never too late to put it into practice. I stumbled across a small paragraph in a pamphlet that I ripped out, and now carry in my wallet. I don’t even remember what the pamphlet was about, but here’s the part I ripped out:
“Yourself
Try to stay positive. Staying positive is about figuring out how to deal with cancer in the best way that you can – and that everyone will do this in their own way. It doesn’t mean that you must seem happy or cheerful all the time or avoid talking or thinking about the difficulties of having cancer. But it can mean looking after yourself by finding relaxing, enjoyable activities that refresh you mentally, spiritually or physically.”
The biggest message I took away from that – you don’t always have to be stoic, have a smile on your face, or pretend that things are okay when it’s actually really really hard.
It’s hard to hear people constantly saying “well, you just gotta stay positive”. Yeah I get it – you don’t know what else to say…but seriously? I know that attitude affects everything, but c’mon – just because I put a smile on my face and think of all the ‘silver linings’ out there does not rid cancer from my body.
I’ve been trying to remain close friends with Positivity – trust me, I have. I fight through the hard feelings, the times where I feel awful and really have been trying to look on the bright side – but it’s hard…really hard somedays and I’m not going to pretend that going through this is easy. That just does not seem fair to all the people (including me) who just sometimes can’t hide how difficult this is by putting a smile on my face and looking on the bright side.
That’s not to say I don’t find joy and happiness in lots of things – I do! But I think I am going to be more in tune with letting myself be sad/mad/upset when I need to. After all, I have a piece of paper in my wallet that says I am allowed to ;)
Part of me feels a little guilty for not reading all I can to make sure that I am doing the best thing, but there is a huge part of me that knows that it would be extremely difficult to accomplish that task. My concentration has been only available in small pieces here and there since April. And honestly, even if I did learn just one more small bit of information, would it make THAT big of a difference in how I am being treated? Very doubtful that my medical team will change my course of action at this point.
However, in saying that, there is always something new to learn, and it really is never too late to put it into practice. I stumbled across a small paragraph in a pamphlet that I ripped out, and now carry in my wallet. I don’t even remember what the pamphlet was about, but here’s the part I ripped out:
“Yourself
Try to stay positive. Staying positive is about figuring out how to deal with cancer in the best way that you can – and that everyone will do this in their own way. It doesn’t mean that you must seem happy or cheerful all the time or avoid talking or thinking about the difficulties of having cancer. But it can mean looking after yourself by finding relaxing, enjoyable activities that refresh you mentally, spiritually or physically.”
The biggest message I took away from that – you don’t always have to be stoic, have a smile on your face, or pretend that things are okay when it’s actually really really hard.
It’s hard to hear people constantly saying “well, you just gotta stay positive”. Yeah I get it – you don’t know what else to say…but seriously? I know that attitude affects everything, but c’mon – just because I put a smile on my face and think of all the ‘silver linings’ out there does not rid cancer from my body.
I’ve been trying to remain close friends with Positivity – trust me, I have. I fight through the hard feelings, the times where I feel awful and really have been trying to look on the bright side – but it’s hard…really hard somedays and I’m not going to pretend that going through this is easy. That just does not seem fair to all the people (including me) who just sometimes can’t hide how difficult this is by putting a smile on my face and looking on the bright side.
That’s not to say I don’t find joy and happiness in lots of things – I do! But I think I am going to be more in tune with letting myself be sad/mad/upset when I need to. After all, I have a piece of paper in my wallet that says I am allowed to ;)
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
#8
Yesterday I headed back to the cancer agency for my final treatment. I’d like to say it was the final time I would have to go there, but I still have many more doctor’s appointments, Herceptin injections and eventually radiation to come. However, it was the last time I would be receiving chemo and that is something to happy about!
This time we got our own room with just the three of us (Dad, Cayley and I) in there. I sat on a bed with my legs up and we played a few games of crib. Cayley had never played before, so it was fun to teach him. Plus it was also fun to beat my dad every time – no easy feat I assure you!
The treatment took around 2:45 hours to complete and then I was out of there! Felt pretty good and just a little amped up afterwards.
We headed home to prepare for the pizza party celebration I had planned for a few friends. Since I wasn’t able to celebrate in the usual fashion (drinking, dancing, causing a ruckus, etc ;) ) I thought that throwing a party like a little kid would be the next best thing.
It was super fun. Lots of people stopped by with their congratulations and well wishes. We laughed a lot and I had a really good time seeing all these amazing people who have supported me over the last 5+ months.
5 months ago I sat here and wrote about my first treatment. About not knowing what to expect, about being scared, but knowing it had to be done. It felt like 5-6 months was such a long haul.
Well today, I can tell you what I expect next – 10 very difficult upcoming days. I’ll be tired, I’ll be emotional, I’ll have to take injections for 6 days, steroids for 7, and I’ll have to start thinking about preparing for my upcoming surgery. I’m not scared about these next few days – I know what’s coming, but I also know it will shortly be over and I can put this chemo thing behind me. 5-6 months was a long haul – but I had some great support and really fun things to look forward to (weddings, graduations, birthdays, babies, etc) to help get me through.
8 down, 0 to go! 10 days left of ‘ugly’ and then I should be in full recovery mode! My body/mind is definitely excited about that! I made it. Phew.
This time we got our own room with just the three of us (Dad, Cayley and I) in there. I sat on a bed with my legs up and we played a few games of crib. Cayley had never played before, so it was fun to teach him. Plus it was also fun to beat my dad every time – no easy feat I assure you!
The treatment took around 2:45 hours to complete and then I was out of there! Felt pretty good and just a little amped up afterwards.
We headed home to prepare for the pizza party celebration I had planned for a few friends. Since I wasn’t able to celebrate in the usual fashion (drinking, dancing, causing a ruckus, etc ;) ) I thought that throwing a party like a little kid would be the next best thing.
It was super fun. Lots of people stopped by with their congratulations and well wishes. We laughed a lot and I had a really good time seeing all these amazing people who have supported me over the last 5+ months.
5 months ago I sat here and wrote about my first treatment. About not knowing what to expect, about being scared, but knowing it had to be done. It felt like 5-6 months was such a long haul.
Well today, I can tell you what I expect next – 10 very difficult upcoming days. I’ll be tired, I’ll be emotional, I’ll have to take injections for 6 days, steroids for 7, and I’ll have to start thinking about preparing for my upcoming surgery. I’m not scared about these next few days – I know what’s coming, but I also know it will shortly be over and I can put this chemo thing behind me. 5-6 months was a long haul – but I had some great support and really fun things to look forward to (weddings, graduations, birthdays, babies, etc) to help get me through.
8 down, 0 to go! 10 days left of ‘ugly’ and then I should be in full recovery mode! My body/mind is definitely excited about that! I made it. Phew.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Pre-treatment Doc visit
Friday was a very busy day for me. It was Cayley’s birthday, a chance for me to meet up with a friend who was out of town, work, a birthday party for both Cayley and my other friend, and two appointments at the cancer centre.
One of the appointments was my routine check-in prior to my chemo session. This time I was back with Dr. Taylor, my original oncologist. I have mentioned it before, and I’ll say it again, I really like her. She’s straight forward, takes time to answer any questions I have, and I truly feel she is doing what is best for my care.
She gave me a new prescription to deal with the rash/allergy symptoms I had starting day 10 last time – they got pretty yucky – purple eyes, blotchy skin, crazy watery eyes. So hopefully it works…to be honest, if not, well, only one left….
She also examined my chest. As she was doing so on the left side, she said to me “I’m on the correct side aren’t I?” I told her she was and she replied “Well you know that’s a good sign isn’t it?” I said “It means you can’t really feel anything so you think you are on the wrong side??” And she told me that if she didn’t know where it was, she wouldn’t likely know there was anything there. She said she could feel dense tissue, but nothing like it was. She told me she was really impressed by that. Now I don’t know her very well, but to me, it seems like it would take a lot to impress her, so I was very happy!
We also talked about my upcoming surgery. She told me that the best result would be that Dr. Kuusk does the mastectomy and finds nothing. I shouldn’t think that I have had it done for no reason because those people are the ones with the best overall outcomes in the end. I guess it means they got all the cancer, and even if there are some microscopic cancer cells remaining, now, with no tissue left, they won’t be able to grow back.
That put me at ease. In fact the whole appointment went really well. Well, except the part where I had to get weighed and discovered I had gained weight again. I know that it’s a very common side effect and I know that it’s better than losing weight, but it’s just really hard to deal with at times. I mean c’mon, I’m already bald, my eyebrows and eyelashes are almost gone, my eyes have red around the lids – I already don’t look that great and now most of my clothes don’t fit…curses.
But on the positive side, things seem to be working well. I have only one more treatment left and then I can go shopping for new clothes ;)
One of the appointments was my routine check-in prior to my chemo session. This time I was back with Dr. Taylor, my original oncologist. I have mentioned it before, and I’ll say it again, I really like her. She’s straight forward, takes time to answer any questions I have, and I truly feel she is doing what is best for my care.
She gave me a new prescription to deal with the rash/allergy symptoms I had starting day 10 last time – they got pretty yucky – purple eyes, blotchy skin, crazy watery eyes. So hopefully it works…to be honest, if not, well, only one left….
She also examined my chest. As she was doing so on the left side, she said to me “I’m on the correct side aren’t I?” I told her she was and she replied “Well you know that’s a good sign isn’t it?” I said “It means you can’t really feel anything so you think you are on the wrong side??” And she told me that if she didn’t know where it was, she wouldn’t likely know there was anything there. She said she could feel dense tissue, but nothing like it was. She told me she was really impressed by that. Now I don’t know her very well, but to me, it seems like it would take a lot to impress her, so I was very happy!
We also talked about my upcoming surgery. She told me that the best result would be that Dr. Kuusk does the mastectomy and finds nothing. I shouldn’t think that I have had it done for no reason because those people are the ones with the best overall outcomes in the end. I guess it means they got all the cancer, and even if there are some microscopic cancer cells remaining, now, with no tissue left, they won’t be able to grow back.
That put me at ease. In fact the whole appointment went really well. Well, except the part where I had to get weighed and discovered I had gained weight again. I know that it’s a very common side effect and I know that it’s better than losing weight, but it’s just really hard to deal with at times. I mean c’mon, I’m already bald, my eyebrows and eyelashes are almost gone, my eyes have red around the lids – I already don’t look that great and now most of my clothes don’t fit…curses.
But on the positive side, things seem to be working well. I have only one more treatment left and then I can go shopping for new clothes ;)
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Stupid cancer
Last week I learned of my surgery date. This brought with it a bit of anxiousness and worry and my mind immediately jumped into ‘sort it out’ mode. You know that mode – where you are faced with something and you start thinking of all the ways to ‘sort it out’. Thoughts ran through my mind like ‘better get some loose fitting, easy to put on clothing for right after the surgery’ to ‘I need to arrange a place to stay in Vancouver while I am there’ and ‘how can I set up my house so that it’s easy to get around after I get home’.
But the thought that ran through my mind the most ‘am I going to be able to go to Mexico a mere 3.5 weeks after surgery for my friend’s wedding?’, more importantly, ‘should I go?’
I did everything I could think of to gather all the information I needed to make a decision. I talked to the surgeon’s office to see what they thought. I talked to the plastic surgeon’s office. I asked people who had previously had mastectomies what their experience was 3 weeks after going ‘under the knife’. I talked to friends, family to get the positives and potential risks of going. I asked the travel agent what our insurance options were.
I’ll spare you the details of why/why not but in the end I decided not to go. It broke my heart to tell my friend that I couldn’t come. She is one of the most amazing people I know so of course she understood and tried to make me feel better….wait a sec, shouldn’t that be the other way around??? I hate disappointing her. I hate disappointing Cayley – I know he was looking forward to the trip as well.
I am disappointed as well, but I don’t think I will regret the decision. I will need time to rest and heal after my surgery and I don’t want to feel pressured to ‘hurry up and get better’ so we can go. I’m trying to be as grown-up as possible about this…but all I keep thinking (imagine me with a pouty lip sticking out and little kid voice)is “stupid cancer”.
But the thought that ran through my mind the most ‘am I going to be able to go to Mexico a mere 3.5 weeks after surgery for my friend’s wedding?’, more importantly, ‘should I go?’
I did everything I could think of to gather all the information I needed to make a decision. I talked to the surgeon’s office to see what they thought. I talked to the plastic surgeon’s office. I asked people who had previously had mastectomies what their experience was 3 weeks after going ‘under the knife’. I talked to friends, family to get the positives and potential risks of going. I asked the travel agent what our insurance options were.
I’ll spare you the details of why/why not but in the end I decided not to go. It broke my heart to tell my friend that I couldn’t come. She is one of the most amazing people I know so of course she understood and tried to make me feel better….wait a sec, shouldn’t that be the other way around??? I hate disappointing her. I hate disappointing Cayley – I know he was looking forward to the trip as well.
I am disappointed as well, but I don’t think I will regret the decision. I will need time to rest and heal after my surgery and I don’t want to feel pressured to ‘hurry up and get better’ so we can go. I’m trying to be as grown-up as possible about this…but all I keep thinking (imagine me with a pouty lip sticking out and little kid voice)is “stupid cancer”.
Friday, 7 October 2011
"M" Day
Found out my surgery date has been set - November 22nd down in Vancouver.
A friend asked me "Is this good news, bad news, or just news?" Great question...
Good news - it's over soon and I can say goodbye to that tumor in my body
Bad news - it's over soon and I will have to say goodbye to my longtime friend, Left Boob.
Seems like a lot of organizing will need to be done in the next little while, but for this weekend, I'm going to put it all on hold. Instead I'm going to remember all the reasons I have to be thankful and celebrate Thanksgiving.
Wishing everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving!
A friend asked me "Is this good news, bad news, or just news?" Great question...
Good news - it's over soon and I can say goodbye to that tumor in my body
Bad news - it's over soon and I will have to say goodbye to my longtime friend, Left Boob.
Seems like a lot of organizing will need to be done in the next little while, but for this weekend, I'm going to put it all on hold. Instead I'm going to remember all the reasons I have to be thankful and celebrate Thanksgiving.
Wishing everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Update (part 3 of 3)
A couple of general things to update on at this time. I was way too tired to do it last week so figured I’d send a quick update all at once.
BRCA genetic testing
I received my results back last week. Turns out, I do not carry the gene mutation that cancer researchers currently know about. Good news is that puts me in the ‘normal population’ averages for chances of getting ovarian cancer. I will have to speak to my oncologist about the chances of a reoccurrence of breast cancer, but the chances will definitely be lower than if I did carry the gene mutation.
So the only downside of being a non-carrier is that it does not explain how I got the disease in the first place. To be honest, part of me was a tiny bit disappointed when I heard I was negative. I think I was hoping it would somehow explain how this happened. I know, I know – sometimes it just happens. But I think a part of me is still looking for an explanation. And maybe I will never get one. Or maybe it will take a few more years of research to discover why.
Regardless, I’m happy to know that I am a non-carrier and that my outcomes look a little more positive than if I had been a carrier.
Radiation vs Surgery
I saw the Radiation oncologist today and his recommendation is to have surgery first, followed by radiation. He said that likely 4 weeks after I am done chemo, I will have surgery and 6 weeks after that I will start my radiation treatments. My treatments will run over a course of 5.5 weeks and I will have to go in every day.
I called the surgeon’s office after I was done and have an appointment to see my surgeon towards the end of October. They are going to work on getting me a surgery date which will likely be mid-November. Although I might get pushed to January if timing doesn’t work out – the OR isn’t open over Christmas. I am not exactly sure when I will know – but maybe I will call back later in the week to chat a bit more…I was a little overwhelmed this morning to really figure out what I needed to ask.
This could all change as my Surgeon will have the last say. She might say that she wants radiation first in order to be better prepared for the surgery. But I am not sure when/if that call will be made.
I’m still trying to process all this information, but that’s the brief update for now.
BRCA genetic testing
I received my results back last week. Turns out, I do not carry the gene mutation that cancer researchers currently know about. Good news is that puts me in the ‘normal population’ averages for chances of getting ovarian cancer. I will have to speak to my oncologist about the chances of a reoccurrence of breast cancer, but the chances will definitely be lower than if I did carry the gene mutation.
So the only downside of being a non-carrier is that it does not explain how I got the disease in the first place. To be honest, part of me was a tiny bit disappointed when I heard I was negative. I think I was hoping it would somehow explain how this happened. I know, I know – sometimes it just happens. But I think a part of me is still looking for an explanation. And maybe I will never get one. Or maybe it will take a few more years of research to discover why.
Regardless, I’m happy to know that I am a non-carrier and that my outcomes look a little more positive than if I had been a carrier.
Radiation vs Surgery
I saw the Radiation oncologist today and his recommendation is to have surgery first, followed by radiation. He said that likely 4 weeks after I am done chemo, I will have surgery and 6 weeks after that I will start my radiation treatments. My treatments will run over a course of 5.5 weeks and I will have to go in every day.
I called the surgeon’s office after I was done and have an appointment to see my surgeon towards the end of October. They are going to work on getting me a surgery date which will likely be mid-November. Although I might get pushed to January if timing doesn’t work out – the OR isn’t open over Christmas. I am not exactly sure when I will know – but maybe I will call back later in the week to chat a bit more…I was a little overwhelmed this morning to really figure out what I needed to ask.
This could all change as my Surgeon will have the last say. She might say that she wants radiation first in order to be better prepared for the surgery. But I am not sure when/if that call will be made.
I’m still trying to process all this information, but that’s the brief update for now.
Running for the Cure (part 2 of 3)
On Sunday the Run for the Cure took place in Kelowna. I have participated in this run before and always really liked it. It is a fundraiser for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. The first time myself, my Dad, and two good friends and I just decided to run it. I ran that year to support my mom who was undergoing treatment at the time.
The next year we put in a team called “Stale Air Experience” and we rocked that race! We had a great turnout of people, had a big party the night before and all had a great time on the run day. Again I ran to support my mom who was undergoing treatment.
I have run or walked it a few times since then. I ran to remember my mom after she died. I ran to support my friend’s mom who was undergoing treatment, then I ran to support her as she became a strong and amazing survivor.
During the run, everyone who participates gets a white t-shirt and all the breast cancer survivors get a pink one. I had plenty of the white t-shirts, but this year, I got my first pink one. My unreal friends put together a team called “Aidan’s Diablos” (named after our soccer team) and organized a huge team to come out and support me. Other friends joined up with teams and came out to support me as well. I'm very lucky!
I showed up on Sunday and I was (and still kinda am) completely overwhelmed. There were a LOT of people that I knew at the run. I had friends and family travel in specifically just to join me in the run – one friend got up at 530am to drive into Kelowna, then left after it was done- unreal! I had tonnes of people giving me hugs. My team was one of the top fundraising teams in Kelowna!
I was completely speechless for most of Sunday morning. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was so grateful and appreciative for everyone being there.
There was a survivor celebration where people walked across the stage and they received a flower. I decided I didn’t want to do it. I just didn’t feel like I wanted to be showcased on stage – a little too much spotlight for me. I know it’s important to show others that people do survive this disease and they can get through it – but I am just not there yet.
I decided I wanted to run the 5km route. I think I just needed to prove to myself that I could still do it. I had a group of people running with me for 5 minutes of running, 1 minute of walking throughout the route. I told them they could go ahead if they wanted to, but they didn’t. They stayed on as my escorts and helped me get to the finish line in 37 minutes.
I’m not going to lie – it was hard. Really hard. And I was pretty tired at the end. But I was so happy to have been able to finish the run with all those amazing friends and family around me. I can’t thank everyone enough for coming out that day – I am so very lucky to have such amazing people surrounding me.
Exhaustion (part 1 of 3)
My last chemo treatment kicked my ass. No tip-toeing around it, I got rocked. To date, I have stayed home and rested for a few days after each treatment but usually around the 3rd or 4th day of being at home, I’ve been able to clean up a bit, run a few errands and am generally feeling “okay” if just a little tired.
Not this time. I was on the couch for most of the week. I was tired getting up and walking from my bed to the couch. Standing for more than a few minutes made my muscles hurt. I didn’t answer the phone because talking made me tired. I didn’t go near my email because a.) I would have to walk over to my computer and then sit up and b.) typing made me tired!!! I had to talk myself into getting up to make lunch – it took an hour to convince myself that I could do it.
Let’s face it – we’ve all had those days where we are feeling a bit lazy and don’t want to get off the couch. We say things like “I just can’t get off the couch!”, but in reality, we choose not to get off it. This week I experienced the feeling of actually not being able to get off the couch. It was frustrating, tiring, made me really sad, but I just could not do it.
One point I managed to drag myself off the couch to go run a quick errand – part way through driving I actually thought to myself “this is not safe – I should not be driving right now”…I was that exhausted! (and no wise cracks about my driving abilities the rest of the time please! ;) )
All this lying around on the couch by myself got me feeling really emotional as well. I was sad, miserable, lonely, bored – just really felt frustrated that I had to be lying down for such an extended period. I wanted to go visit people but I couldn’t. I wanted to go for a walk and get some exercise, but I couldn’t. Frustrating!
As always, the feelings passed after a week – but it’s so hard to see through to when you will feel ‘back to normal’ when you are in the midst of everything. I kept telling myself it was only a few more days but it was still so hard to imagine how I would get through those ‘few more days’.
But I did and thankfully only have to experience that one more time!
Not this time. I was on the couch for most of the week. I was tired getting up and walking from my bed to the couch. Standing for more than a few minutes made my muscles hurt. I didn’t answer the phone because talking made me tired. I didn’t go near my email because a.) I would have to walk over to my computer and then sit up and b.) typing made me tired!!! I had to talk myself into getting up to make lunch – it took an hour to convince myself that I could do it.
Let’s face it – we’ve all had those days where we are feeling a bit lazy and don’t want to get off the couch. We say things like “I just can’t get off the couch!”, but in reality, we choose not to get off it. This week I experienced the feeling of actually not being able to get off the couch. It was frustrating, tiring, made me really sad, but I just could not do it.
One point I managed to drag myself off the couch to go run a quick errand – part way through driving I actually thought to myself “this is not safe – I should not be driving right now”…I was that exhausted! (and no wise cracks about my driving abilities the rest of the time please! ;) )
All this lying around on the couch by myself got me feeling really emotional as well. I was sad, miserable, lonely, bored – just really felt frustrated that I had to be lying down for such an extended period. I wanted to go visit people but I couldn’t. I wanted to go for a walk and get some exercise, but I couldn’t. Frustrating!
As always, the feelings passed after a week – but it’s so hard to see through to when you will feel ‘back to normal’ when you are in the midst of everything. I kept telling myself it was only a few more days but it was still so hard to imagine how I would get through those ‘few more days’.
But I did and thankfully only have to experience that one more time!
Monday, 26 September 2011
#7
This morning I headed back to the cancer agency for treatment #7. I saw the doctor before hand and this time I got another new Doc – but on the good side, I recognized him as a referee from soccer! He recognized me too and really put me at ease. He was funny, nice and really informative.
He told me things are pretty much on track from what he can see. I shouldn’t worry that my hair is slowly starting to grow – the first set of chemo drugs are the kind the really target the hair follicles whereas this new chemo I am on doesn’t as much. My new found allergy-type symptoms are likely not a cause of allergies, but from the chemo drugs. I can try some allergy medicine for the watery eyes, runny nose and dry patches of skin – but it’s a toss-up if it will work or not. I can continue to do vigorous exercise like soccer and running as long as it doesn’t take me 2-3 days to recover each time…in other words, don’t overdo it.
Other than that, all seems to be going on track. I will likely have a scan done at the end of everything, but he’s going to check on it for me. I will also likely have to go back and visit the medical oncology team every three months after my last treatment. This way they can monitor how I am doing. I also will have to get an echo-cardiogram every three months to make sure the Herceptin is not affecting my heart.
As I was given the green-light for treatment later this afternoon, I headed home for some lunch and to clean up a bit beforehand. Then back to the clinic for treatment time.
My treatment time coincided with the Managing Life with Cancer workshop I have been attending and I ran into a few participants while at the centre. I had sort of decided last week that I was not going to attend anymore – I felt like I wasn’t getting much out of the sessions, I just felt a bit frustrated at times. But today, when I saw the people I have seen twice a week for the past two weeks, something changed. It was nice to see them and chat for a few minutes. Two of them popped into the chemo room to see me on their break. They told me we are going to be talking about guilt and anger on Thursday so I think I am going to rethink my decision to not attend. Sounds like a good topic for me! Haha
Treatment went well today and I was done in around 3 hours. Next time will be a bit faster even still. Nothing too new or exciting happened this time, which is great. I’m feeling pretty decent, although a little tired and I do get hot/cold flashes quite a bit.
7 down, 1 to go…almost there!!! Still trying to think of some type of celebratory thing to do once this stage is over…suggestions are welcome (as our participants of course!)!
He told me things are pretty much on track from what he can see. I shouldn’t worry that my hair is slowly starting to grow – the first set of chemo drugs are the kind the really target the hair follicles whereas this new chemo I am on doesn’t as much. My new found allergy-type symptoms are likely not a cause of allergies, but from the chemo drugs. I can try some allergy medicine for the watery eyes, runny nose and dry patches of skin – but it’s a toss-up if it will work or not. I can continue to do vigorous exercise like soccer and running as long as it doesn’t take me 2-3 days to recover each time…in other words, don’t overdo it.
Other than that, all seems to be going on track. I will likely have a scan done at the end of everything, but he’s going to check on it for me. I will also likely have to go back and visit the medical oncology team every three months after my last treatment. This way they can monitor how I am doing. I also will have to get an echo-cardiogram every three months to make sure the Herceptin is not affecting my heart.
As I was given the green-light for treatment later this afternoon, I headed home for some lunch and to clean up a bit beforehand. Then back to the clinic for treatment time.
My treatment time coincided with the Managing Life with Cancer workshop I have been attending and I ran into a few participants while at the centre. I had sort of decided last week that I was not going to attend anymore – I felt like I wasn’t getting much out of the sessions, I just felt a bit frustrated at times. But today, when I saw the people I have seen twice a week for the past two weeks, something changed. It was nice to see them and chat for a few minutes. Two of them popped into the chemo room to see me on their break. They told me we are going to be talking about guilt and anger on Thursday so I think I am going to rethink my decision to not attend. Sounds like a good topic for me! Haha
Treatment went well today and I was done in around 3 hours. Next time will be a bit faster even still. Nothing too new or exciting happened this time, which is great. I’m feeling pretty decent, although a little tired and I do get hot/cold flashes quite a bit.
7 down, 1 to go…almost there!!! Still trying to think of some type of celebratory thing to do once this stage is over…suggestions are welcome (as our participants of course!)!
'You look great' and other ramblings
Sometimes it takes me a while to write on here…and it is usually not because I don’t have something to say! (haha – c’mon you all know me…)
Sometimes I’m really tired and can’t fathom getting off the couch and putting my brain to work. But sometimes, I feel that what I write would be really negative and more of a rant than an informational update. So it takes me a lot longer to try and form what I am trying to say, without sounding like I am yelling through the screen.
That was last week.
Don’t get me wrong, the week started out great – I attended the Terry Fox Run with Cayley and my Dad. I was pretty emotional a few times, but overall it was a great experience. I wore my wig and my running hat and ran/walked the 5km route in 38 minutes and 55 seconds which felt great to finish. I saw lots of people I knew there and the feeling at the event was just outstanding.
Afterwards I was pretty tired from the run, so we headed for an afternoon of breakfast and football watching at a friend’s house. Then it was dinner with Dad, and more watching TV – this running business is tiring! Haha. Overall a great start to the week.
Unfortunately, those feelings didn’t last all that long. Throughout the week I started to feel really down, tired, lonely – my confidence was getting kicked around and I was just super emotional and sad a lot. I tried to push through and continue to do some of the things I normally do in a week (work, soccer, running, attending the sessions at the cancer agency, etc) but it just was a rough week.
During the sessions I have attending either through the cancer agency or the reconstruction group, I’ve heard a lot of comments that I can relate to. But I’ve also heard a lot that are starting to wear on me – people seem to say them over and over and last week I noticed how it was starting to get to me.
First one – “You look great”
Okay let’s be honest here – I haven’t worn make up for a bit now as my eyes are really dry/itchy on the top and I don’t want to irritate them more by putting on make up. I look tired, have huge bags under my eyes, you can barely see my eyelashes, my weight has shifted and I have lost lots of muscles and in returned gain a lot of ‘middle’….in a few words, not great.
So when people say that to me, there are two possibilities running through my mind:
1. You are lying through your teeth to try and make me feel better
2. You expect that after 6 rounds of chemo, I should be looking a lot worse
Second one – “You will come out of this a strong person” or “This helps you get your priorities in line”
Funny enough, these statements often come from people in the sessions I have been attending. Granted, they are a bit (or a lot) older than me, and some of them are already done the treatment side of their ‘cancer journey’ (another phrase I am starting to dread). Maybe they know something I don’t.
But what I know is that I am pretty sure I had my priorities in line before I started this. I was grateful and appreciative for lots of things in my life – family, friends, my health, how/where I was brought up. I made time for friends and family as much as I could. I was there to help people when they needed it and always wanted to do things to make people smile. I exercised and ate right, as I understood how important health is. Going back to school was helping me open new doors in my career path – and I was excited for that as well. I am fairly certain I knew what was important and made sure those items came first.
Now I know I’m not the strongest person in the world. Prior to having cancer I still was a bit emotional and would cry out of frustration, sadness, being overwhelmed. But some not-so-fun things happened throughout my life, and I made it through them okay. Bad news/events would happen and I would let myself be sad for a bit, but usually not too long and I would try and do something to overcome them. I feel like I was fairly strong before this happened.
I guess what runs through my mind when people say that to me is “I didn’t need cancer to become a better person”.
Cancer for the moment has done some pretty crappy things – my body is not what it used to be, I cry all the time now (as opposed to just some of the time), it’s made me tired, worried, it’s kicked my confidence to the curb, it makes me doubt a lot of the things I thought I would be able to do or should be able to do, it’s put some massive wrenches in my plans – in fact, it’s hard to even make any plans at all, it’s made my family and friends worry about me – the last thing I wanted to have happen. And when I hear those phrases I just can’t help but wonder how one can ever think this could make you a better person.
But in saying that – I’m not done everything yet. Maybe on the other side of this I will look back at this post and laugh at myself. Maybe people say those statements because they think it’s what you are supposed to say. But maybe there is some truth to it to. I guess I will just have to wait to find out – and try to keep a smile on my face and nod when I hear those phrases.
Sometimes I’m really tired and can’t fathom getting off the couch and putting my brain to work. But sometimes, I feel that what I write would be really negative and more of a rant than an informational update. So it takes me a lot longer to try and form what I am trying to say, without sounding like I am yelling through the screen.
That was last week.
Don’t get me wrong, the week started out great – I attended the Terry Fox Run with Cayley and my Dad. I was pretty emotional a few times, but overall it was a great experience. I wore my wig and my running hat and ran/walked the 5km route in 38 minutes and 55 seconds which felt great to finish. I saw lots of people I knew there and the feeling at the event was just outstanding.
Afterwards I was pretty tired from the run, so we headed for an afternoon of breakfast and football watching at a friend’s house. Then it was dinner with Dad, and more watching TV – this running business is tiring! Haha. Overall a great start to the week.
Unfortunately, those feelings didn’t last all that long. Throughout the week I started to feel really down, tired, lonely – my confidence was getting kicked around and I was just super emotional and sad a lot. I tried to push through and continue to do some of the things I normally do in a week (work, soccer, running, attending the sessions at the cancer agency, etc) but it just was a rough week.
During the sessions I have attending either through the cancer agency or the reconstruction group, I’ve heard a lot of comments that I can relate to. But I’ve also heard a lot that are starting to wear on me – people seem to say them over and over and last week I noticed how it was starting to get to me.
First one – “You look great”
Okay let’s be honest here – I haven’t worn make up for a bit now as my eyes are really dry/itchy on the top and I don’t want to irritate them more by putting on make up. I look tired, have huge bags under my eyes, you can barely see my eyelashes, my weight has shifted and I have lost lots of muscles and in returned gain a lot of ‘middle’….in a few words, not great.
So when people say that to me, there are two possibilities running through my mind:
1. You are lying through your teeth to try and make me feel better
2. You expect that after 6 rounds of chemo, I should be looking a lot worse
Second one – “You will come out of this a strong person” or “This helps you get your priorities in line”
Funny enough, these statements often come from people in the sessions I have been attending. Granted, they are a bit (or a lot) older than me, and some of them are already done the treatment side of their ‘cancer journey’ (another phrase I am starting to dread). Maybe they know something I don’t.
But what I know is that I am pretty sure I had my priorities in line before I started this. I was grateful and appreciative for lots of things in my life – family, friends, my health, how/where I was brought up. I made time for friends and family as much as I could. I was there to help people when they needed it and always wanted to do things to make people smile. I exercised and ate right, as I understood how important health is. Going back to school was helping me open new doors in my career path – and I was excited for that as well. I am fairly certain I knew what was important and made sure those items came first.
Now I know I’m not the strongest person in the world. Prior to having cancer I still was a bit emotional and would cry out of frustration, sadness, being overwhelmed. But some not-so-fun things happened throughout my life, and I made it through them okay. Bad news/events would happen and I would let myself be sad for a bit, but usually not too long and I would try and do something to overcome them. I feel like I was fairly strong before this happened.
I guess what runs through my mind when people say that to me is “I didn’t need cancer to become a better person”.
Cancer for the moment has done some pretty crappy things – my body is not what it used to be, I cry all the time now (as opposed to just some of the time), it’s made me tired, worried, it’s kicked my confidence to the curb, it makes me doubt a lot of the things I thought I would be able to do or should be able to do, it’s put some massive wrenches in my plans – in fact, it’s hard to even make any plans at all, it’s made my family and friends worry about me – the last thing I wanted to have happen. And when I hear those phrases I just can’t help but wonder how one can ever think this could make you a better person.
But in saying that – I’m not done everything yet. Maybe on the other side of this I will look back at this post and laugh at myself. Maybe people say those statements because they think it’s what you are supposed to say. But maybe there is some truth to it to. I guess I will just have to wait to find out – and try to keep a smile on my face and nod when I hear those phrases.
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Support
This past week had me recognizing once again how many people are out there pulling for me. I also was exposed to a variety of support type programs that are available for people going through cancer. In fact, it was a full week for me of seeing the support surrounding me, what else is out there and what programs I should try to attend.
Sunday – came home from Vancouver, walked in my house, and my jaw dropped on the floor. Over the weekend my unreal friends came into my house and cleaned and tidied like nobody’s business! Not only was my house clean, they left new pictures on the fridge, in frames, magazines, books, and little treats all over my house for me to find. The TWO vases of flowers they left are still sitting gorgeously in my house.
How I will ever be able to thank all these friends, I really just don’t know. It was such a relief to come home to a clean house and knowing that my friends did this for me, without me asking, just to help out.
Monday – Cayley and I headed to the BC Cancer Agency to attend the Managing Life with Cancer workshop. Surprise, surprise, we were the youngest people there. But as they explained how the sessions would shape up (twice a week for a month), I started to hear informational tid-bits that might help. I met some really nice people and planned to attend later in the week.
Tuesday – one of my friends calls me and asks if I would be interested in attending a Breast Reconstruction support group type meeting. She had heard about it from one of her friends and the meeting was tonight! I had no idea what that meant but figured if it was an opportunity to go and learn more about my upcoming surgery I had better do it.
Tuesday also saw my debut of playing Division 3 soccer. I went to the field early to warm up and calm myself down. I wore only my bandana and really tried to make sure I was warmed up before the game. My team was really accommodating and I think the game went okay. I was super tired, really out of shape, and found it hard to get back into it. BUT, it was also a lot of fun and I think I will stick with it.
After my game, I headed out to the meeting. Boy am I glad I went. It is a group of about 20 women who all had breast cancer and were had either done reconstruction or were thinking about it. While I was still the youngest person in this room, it wasn’t by much. The ladies talked about their upcoming surgeries, we heard from people who had just had theirs done and their experiences. Ages ranged from me all the way up. It was great to see people who had recovered from this and look great.
I got a lot of questions answered and met two young women who seemed really great and nice. They are both in their late 30s and live here in Kelowna. They came up to me after the group and gave me their phone numbers to call any time. It was just so nice to see that they had this when they were around my age, and have pulled through beautifully.
Wednesday – I headed off to a relaxation group at the BCCA. It was so relaxing that my muscle aches from the night before went away!
I also had my running group on Wednesday night and while I couldn’t run a lot, it was so great to chat with one of the ladies and talk about her reconstruction experience. She had a really bad experience with the Tram method and had a hard time getting out of bed without pushing herself up for 3 years! I am starting to think a lot more positively about those implants…
Thursday – back to the BCCA I go, this time without Cayley to attend that workshop. We learned about managing fatigue which was something I really needed this week…I have been SO tired. Apparently this is quite normal (over 90% of cancer patients experience fatigue) so I should stop worrying about it and take more rests so that my energy tank doesn’t get fully depleted.
Friday – One of the women from the reconstruction group invited me to a party at her house on Friday, as a fundraiser for the Terry Fox Run. Cayley and I went and enjoyed some really nice music. We also got to meet the organizers of the Terry Fox Run, a couple who both were diagnosed with cancer quite early in their lives. We didn’t stay too long at the party, but it was really great to touch base with these people.
And that brings us to today – Terry Fox Run day. I have been struggling with how I will show up at this run. When I run with my running group, I just wear a bandana and a hat. But that group is only 10-15 people. There will be a lot of people there today. Maybe I should just put a wig on and walk. I really just don’t know yet…and I have to leave for the run in 30 minutes. But whatever I decide, I’m going to go, likely cry, and be really proud of what Terry did for cancer research around the world – Thank you Terry!
Monday, 12 September 2011
Welcome to Silicone Valley
On Thursday night my Dad drove me down to Vancouver to prepare for my upcoming plastic surgeon appointment on Friday. I got the call on Thursday morning that my appointment would now be at 745am in the surgeon’s office in downtown Vancouver, as opposed to 145pm at St. Paul’s hospital.
Despite the early time, that worked out better for me anyways…get it over with and get on with my day. So bright and early on Friday morning my Dad and two of my best friends accompanied me to Dr. Van Laeken’s office for my consultation.
I first met with a nurse who would be on my ‘surgery team’. She apparently has been in the OR a lot with my ‘removal’ surgeon and said that if anyone she cared about had to get this surgery done, she’d highly recommend my surgeon…nice to know she is so well respected!
The nurse then explained the two likely options I will have for surgery – a tram flap or implants – and then showed me before and after pictures of previous patients. She gave me a brief run-down of expected recovery, time in hospital, and other side-effects of both procedures.
I’ll be honest – I was a little stunned. Picture after picture came up on the screen and to me, nothing looked good. All I saw were big scars. With a few friends having had breast augmentation and no visible scars, I really was surprised at how big the scars on the pictures were. The nurse told me that most of the scarring would be underneath my breasts or covered by a nipple, but I just saw scars. Maybe those pictures were really soon after the surgery, but I got a little overwhelmed at how visible the scars would be. Until one of my friends mentioned that no one was really ever going to see the scars unless I showed them. Still…a little hard for me to take.
But if I thought scars were hard to take, I had seriously underprepared myself for what the nurse said next. She got up to leave and go get the surgeon and finished her part of the presentation with “so in total, you are looking at about 8 months until you are done.”
Pardon? 8 months? Months??? Seriously?
I guess I had it in my mind that I would have surgery, then recover for 4-6 weeks as told, and be done with surgery and move on. Guess not.
The surgeon came in next to talk to me and examine me. While this was my first time meeting her, she is actually a family friend on my Dad’s side and is really well-liked by our family. First thing I notice, her amazing dress. She looked great. But more than that, she drew respect and authority as she walked in. She was kind, direct, and very thorough while she was talking to me. She explained both options to me, examined what I currently look like, and then gave me her opinion.
Due a few factors (longer surgery, longer time in hospital, weaker abdominal wall, bigger breasts, etc) she recommended that I get an implant. After the mastectomy she would insert a tissue expander into my chest wall. It would then need to be slowly filled with fluid over a 3 month time frame until it got big enough to match my current breast size. Then I would go back in for surgery where they would remove the expander and insert a permanent implant.
Ultimately the choice is mine, but that’s what the surgeon recommends. It was a really hard appointment – especially hard to realize that this is going to take a lot longer than I originally thought. But I had great support in the room in my two friends and my Dad…I really am very lucky to have such amazing people surrounding me.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
#6
Yesterday I headed back to the cancer clinic for treatment #6. This treatment was the same as #5 in terms of the drugs I needed to take, but this time it was supposed to be a lot quicker.
We got going around 10:20am with my Herceptin IV. This time I was given the IV over 1 hour as opposed to 1.5 hours. I also only needed to be monitored for 30 minutes instead of 1 hour. Eventually I will be down to receiving the Herceptin over 30 minutes with no need to be monitored.
Next up was the Docetoxal which was to be given over an hour. I got to wear the lovely cold gloves again, but this time it wasn’t as bad. My one finger still is has a number sensation from last time, but the Doc seems to think that is from the drugs, not the ice gloves.
The chemo IV bag seemed to be draining pretty fast so I asked the nurse if it was going too fast. She seemed to think it was okay, but went and asked the pharmacists just to be sure. They said the mix of drugs was correct and that it was fine. But to me, it didn’t make sense. I was supposed to be given the IV over an hour, yet I was done around 40 minutes. It made me a bit worried – even into last night…will I get a call today saying I have to go back and get more?
After sleeping, I felt a lot better about things and am going to try not to worry at all. The drugs are definitely in my system!
How do I know? Well, I’m weepy, emotional, tired, and a little sore. Nothing too too crazy, but definitely leaves me stuck to the house a bit. We did get out for a 30 minute walk last night, and I am going to try and keep that up. It’s just so hard to get motivated some days…okay most days. And by the time it gets cool enough outside for me to go for a walk, I feel super tired. But I need to make a point of getting out and exercising – it will help with recovery, my upcoming surgery, and my overall mental health.
I’ve also developed some irritations on my skin – my one eye is really dry, itchy and red on the lid, my port-site was really red from the adhesive needed to attach the IV to my chest, and the skin behind my one ear is getting really dry. Apparently this is all from the copious amounts of drugs in my system. I have only 1 more day of chemo meds to take, but then tomorrow I start my injections again…this time I need to take 6! Yikes. But they are working so I need to be happy about that. Just might be a little hard to do 4 of the injections while out of town this week.
I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Friday down in Vancouver, so I will see what she says. Moving on, one step at a time.
Then I will get the immense pleasure of being a bridesmaid in one of my best friends from high school’s wedding! I cannot wait to see her and be part of their big day.
6 down, only 2 to go! Almost there.
Nelson
This past weekend, Cayley and I headed off to Nelson to attend the wedding of one of my great high school friends. In fact, I went to high school with both the Groom and the Bride so it was a great chance to see a few old friends and reconnect. The best-man and I were also great friends from high school, and I also was able to meet his 25 day-old baby boy!
It was Cayley’s first visit to the Kootenays and it was fun to show him around the town. We stayed with Elliott at the old house on the hill. The weather was great and the views were fabulous. It was a little hard being back in Nelson…it had been around 4 years since I had been back. The house had changed a little with some great renovations, but there were still many things that remained the same…even from my childhood. It is always hard going back without my mom there, but it was really great to see Elliott again and catch up.
The wedding was held at the Bride’s parent’s place which was located right on Kootenay Lake. What a beautiful setting! You could tell the tremendous amount of work, time, effort and attention to detail that went into this wedding. It was gorgeous and everyone had a great time. The bride was stunning and the groom looked great too – biggest smile I had seen on his face in a very long time J
All the traveling has worn me out a bit, but it has been totally worth it to see everyone and be there for their special occasions. We definitely took advantage of the Labour Day Monday holiday – came back from Nelson on Sunday, and then slept in a lot on Monday – good thing it was a Back to the Future marathon on tv ;)
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
The Big Day
Last weekend my friend got married in Vernon. She asked me to be her maid-of-honour and of course, I was delighted to accept – until I got sick. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to be the best MOH for her big day. I gave her the option that I could gracefully bow out, but she wouldn’t accept. So last week I tried to be a good MOH and threw her a stagette/shower and participate in her upcoming wedding.
Both days were amazing. The stagette/shower day was a lot of fun! Great old friends, lots of laughs and tonnes of old stories made for a terrific day. Most of all, my friend had a good time.
Then the wedding day came. We headed off to the salon to get our hair and make-up done. Of course, I was nervous as to what I was going to look like – how on earth were they going to make my wig look ‘normal’? Not only that, my dress was strapless and it would show off my scar from my port surgery.
Well I had absolutely no reason to worry. The stylists at the salon were great! My hair stylist had not ever done an up-do on a wig before, but she just asked me what I was looking for and said we’d make something happen. In the end, my hair looked awesome! Really natural, really nice, and very appropriate for a wedding. Not only that, the make-up artist was able to air-brush foundation on my scar and completely cover it up!! I was so impressed. I felt so pretty and I just could not stop smiling.
The day was a lot of fun and really amazing for my friend. I was so glad that I was able to be a part of such a great occasion.
Recovering from #5
Since my last post I have been doing a few things to keep me busy. The fun parts – going to SF to see my classmates graduate, throwing a staggette/shower for my dear friend, being the maid-of-honour at her wedding. The not-so-fun parts – lying on my couch as I can’t do much else, mouth sores, stomach pains, general aches and pains, and feeling pretty useless.
Bouncing back from treatment #5 took longer than I anticipated. I figured that since the nausea side effects are not associated with this drug, I’d bounce back really quickly. How wrong I was. Apparently muscle and joint aches, stomach pains, fatigue are all very common side-effects to this drug and take a lot longer to recover from.
The trip to SF was case in point. I spent a lot of time in our room lying down, resting and trying to feel better. Luckily, we were staying in Union Square so I was able to go out for an hour, come back in and lie down, go out for another hour, go back.
Graduation day came for my friends, and I was so worried I would not feel well. It took me forever to get moving and get ready. But once I got to the ceremonies, things started feeling really great! The staff at Hult had saved spots in the front row for Cayley and I! It was awesome because my classmates walked right by me after receiving their degree. I was so proud of my classmates and cheered as loud as I could and gave tonnes of hugs as people walked by.
The trip was really great to see everyone and get reconnected. I felt so proud to see everyone graduate. At the same time, I felt a tiny bit of sadness that I could not be with them. It’s hard to imagine how it will be when I graduate without all of them there. But to be honest, the pride and celebration I felt for my friends completely outweighed any sadness I felt…I was so excited for everyone!
After we returned home from SF I had a few more complications with side effects that left me lying on the couch for a few days. An uncommon, but not unheard of, side-effect of this drug is mouth sores…and boy did I get them. I couldn’t eat anything. Spicy, sour, hot, bitter, acidicy foods were all off the menu. Pretty much pudding and mashed yams were on the menu. I was miserable. I couldn’t eat because it hurt, I couldn’t move because everything else hurt. I was really weapy and was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to really participate in my friend’s stagette and wedding…I was the maid-of-honour and was going to be siting on the side-lines?? Yikes.
But after two days of rest, I magically started to feel better. Part of me thinks it’s because I had such great friends around me during the festivities…we laughed, we told fun stories from the past, we celebrated our friend. But more about that in the next post ;)
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