#7

This morning I headed back to the cancer agency for treatment #7. I saw the doctor before hand and this time I got another new Doc – but on the good side, I recognized him as a referee from soccer! He recognized me too and really put me at ease. He was funny, nice and really informative.

He told me things are pretty much on track from what he can see. I shouldn’t worry that my hair is slowly starting to grow – the first set of chemo drugs are the kind the really target the hair follicles whereas this new chemo I am on doesn’t as much. My new found allergy-type symptoms are likely not a cause of allergies, but from the chemo drugs. I can try some allergy medicine for the watery eyes, runny nose and dry patches of skin – but it’s a toss-up if it will work or not. I can continue to do vigorous exercise like soccer and running as long as it doesn’t take me 2-3 days to recover each time…in other words, don’t overdo it.

Other than that, all seems to be going on track. I will likely have a scan done at the end of everything, but he’s going to check on it for me. I will also likely have to go back and visit the medical oncology team every three months after my last treatment. This way they can monitor how I am doing. I also will have to get an echo-cardiogram every three months to make sure the Herceptin is not affecting my heart.

As I was given the green-light for treatment later this afternoon, I headed home for some lunch and to clean up a bit beforehand. Then back to the clinic for treatment time.

My treatment time coincided with the Managing Life with Cancer workshop I have been attending and I ran into a few participants while at the centre. I had sort of decided last week that I was not going to attend anymore – I felt like I wasn’t getting much out of the sessions, I just felt a bit frustrated at times. But today, when I saw the people I have seen twice a week for the past two weeks, something changed. It was nice to see them and chat for a few minutes. Two of them popped into the chemo room to see me on their break. They told me we are going to be talking about guilt and anger on Thursday so I think I am going to rethink my decision to not attend. Sounds like a good topic for me! Haha

Treatment went well today and I was done in around 3 hours. Next time will be a bit faster even still. Nothing too new or exciting happened this time, which is great. I’m feeling pretty decent, although a little tired and I do get hot/cold flashes quite a bit.

7 down, 1 to go…almost there!!! Still trying to think of some type of celebratory thing to do once this stage is over…suggestions are welcome (as our participants of course!)!

'You look great' and other ramblings

Sometimes it takes me a while to write on here…and it is usually not because I don’t have something to say! (haha – c’mon you all know me…)

Sometimes I’m really tired and can’t fathom getting off the couch and putting my brain to work. But sometimes, I feel that what I write would be really negative and more of a rant than an informational update. So it takes me a lot longer to try and form what I am trying to say, without sounding like I am yelling through the screen.

That was last week.

Don’t get me wrong, the week started out great – I attended the Terry Fox Run with Cayley and my Dad. I was pretty emotional a few times, but overall it was a great experience. I wore my wig and my running hat and ran/walked the 5km route in 38 minutes and 55 seconds which felt great to finish. I saw lots of people I knew there and the feeling at the event was just outstanding.

Afterwards I was pretty tired from the run, so we headed for an afternoon of breakfast and football watching at a friend’s house. Then it was dinner with Dad, and more watching TV – this running business is tiring! Haha. Overall a great start to the week.

Unfortunately, those feelings didn’t last all that long. Throughout the week I started to feel really down, tired, lonely – my confidence was getting kicked around and I was just super emotional and sad a lot. I tried to push through and continue to do some of the things I normally do in a week (work, soccer, running, attending the sessions at the cancer agency, etc) but it just was a rough week.

During the sessions I have attending either through the cancer agency or the reconstruction group, I’ve heard a lot of comments that I can relate to. But I’ve also heard a lot that are starting to wear on me – people seem to say them over and over and last week I noticed how it was starting to get to me.

First one – “You look great”

Okay let’s be honest here – I haven’t worn make up for a bit now as my eyes are really dry/itchy on the top and I don’t want to irritate them more by putting on make up. I look tired, have huge bags under my eyes, you can barely see my eyelashes, my weight has shifted and I have lost lots of muscles and in returned gain a lot of ‘middle’….in a few words, not great.

So when people say that to me, there are two possibilities running through my mind:
1. You are lying through your teeth to try and make me feel better
2. You expect that after 6 rounds of chemo, I should be looking a lot worse

Second one – “You will come out of this a strong person” or “This helps you get your priorities in line”

Funny enough, these statements often come from people in the sessions I have been attending. Granted, they are a bit (or a lot) older than me, and some of them are already done the treatment side of their ‘cancer journey’ (another phrase I am starting to dread). Maybe they know something I don’t.

But what I know is that I am pretty sure I had my priorities in line before I started this. I was grateful and appreciative for lots of things in my life – family, friends, my health, how/where I was brought up. I made time for friends and family as much as I could. I was there to help people when they needed it and always wanted to do things to make people smile. I exercised and ate right, as I understood how important health is. Going back to school was helping me open new doors in my career path – and I was excited for that as well. I am fairly certain I knew what was important and made sure those items came first.

Now I know I’m not the strongest person in the world. Prior to having cancer I still was a bit emotional and would cry out of frustration, sadness, being overwhelmed. But some not-so-fun things happened throughout my life, and I made it through them okay. Bad news/events would happen and I would let myself be sad for a bit, but usually not too long and I would try and do something to overcome them. I feel like I was fairly strong before this happened.

I guess what runs through my mind when people say that to me is “I didn’t need cancer to become a better person”.

Cancer for the moment has done some pretty crappy things – my body is not what it used to be, I cry all the time now (as opposed to just some of the time), it’s made me tired, worried, it’s kicked my confidence to the curb, it makes me doubt a lot of the things I thought I would be able to do or should be able to do, it’s put some massive wrenches in my plans – in fact, it’s hard to even make any plans at all, it’s made my family and friends worry about me – the last thing I wanted to have happen. And when I hear those phrases I just can’t help but wonder how one can ever think this could make you a better person.

But in saying that – I’m not done everything yet. Maybe on the other side of this I will look back at this post and laugh at myself. Maybe people say those statements because they think it’s what you are supposed to say. But maybe there is some truth to it to. I guess I will just have to wait to find out – and try to keep a smile on my face and nod when I hear those phrases.

Support

This past week had me recognizing once again how many people are out there pulling for me. I also was exposed to a variety of support type programs that are available for people going through cancer. In fact, it was a full week for me of seeing the support surrounding me, what else is out there and what programs I should try to attend.

Sunday – came home from Vancouver, walked in my house, and my jaw dropped on the floor. Over the weekend my unreal friends came into my house and cleaned and tidied like nobody’s business! Not only was my house clean, they left new pictures on the fridge, in frames, magazines, books, and little treats all over my house for me to find. The TWO vases of flowers they left are still sitting gorgeously in my house.

How I will ever be able to thank all these friends, I really just don’t know. It was such a relief to come home to a clean house and knowing that my friends did this for me, without me asking, just to help out.

Monday – Cayley and I headed to the BC Cancer Agency to attend the Managing Life with Cancer workshop. Surprise, surprise, we were the youngest people there. But as they explained how the sessions would shape up (twice a week for a month), I started to hear informational tid-bits that might help. I met some really nice people and planned to attend later in the week.

Tuesday – one of my friends calls me and asks if I would be interested in attending a Breast Reconstruction support group type meeting. She had heard about it from one of her friends and the meeting was tonight! I had no idea what that meant but figured if it was an opportunity to go and learn more about my upcoming surgery I had better do it.

Tuesday also saw my debut of playing Division 3 soccer. I went to the field early to warm up and calm myself down. I wore only my bandana and really tried to make sure I was warmed up before the game. My team was really accommodating and I think the game went okay. I was super tired, really out of shape, and found it hard to get back into it. BUT, it was also a lot of fun and I think I will stick with it.

After my game, I headed out to the meeting. Boy am I glad I went. It is a group of about 20 women who all had breast cancer and were had either done reconstruction or were thinking about it. While I was still the youngest person in this room, it wasn’t by much. The ladies talked about their upcoming surgeries, we heard from people who had just had theirs done and their experiences. Ages ranged from me all the way up. It was great to see people who had recovered from this and look great.

I got a lot of questions answered and met two young women who seemed really great and nice. They are both in their late 30s and live here in Kelowna. They came up to me after the group and gave me their phone numbers to call any time. It was just so nice to see that they had this when they were around my age, and have pulled through beautifully.

Wednesday – I headed off to a relaxation group at the BCCA. It was so relaxing that my muscle aches from the night before went away!

I also had my running group on Wednesday night and while I couldn’t run a lot, it was so great to chat with one of the ladies and talk about her reconstruction experience. She had a really bad experience with the Tram method and had a hard time getting out of bed without pushing herself up for 3 years! I am starting to think a lot more positively about those implants…

Thursday – back to the BCCA I go, this time without Cayley to attend that workshop. We learned about managing fatigue which was something I really needed this week…I have been SO tired. Apparently this is quite normal (over 90% of cancer patients experience fatigue) so I should stop worrying about it and take more rests so that my energy tank doesn’t get fully depleted.

Friday – One of the women from the reconstruction group invited me to a party at her house on Friday, as a fundraiser for the Terry Fox Run. Cayley and I went and enjoyed some really nice music. We also got to meet the organizers of the Terry Fox Run, a couple who both were diagnosed with cancer quite early in their lives. We didn’t stay too long at the party, but it was really great to touch base with these people.

And that brings us to today – Terry Fox Run day. I have been struggling with how I will show up at this run. When I run with my running group, I just wear a bandana and a hat. But that group is only 10-15 people. There will be a lot of people there today. Maybe I should just put a wig on and walk. I really just don’t know yet…and I have to leave for the run in 30 minutes. But whatever I decide, I’m going to go, likely cry, and be really proud of what Terry did for cancer research around the world – Thank you Terry!

Welcome to Silicone Valley

On Thursday night my Dad drove me down to Vancouver to prepare for my upcoming plastic surgeon appointment on Friday. I got the call on Thursday morning that my appointment would now be at 745am in the surgeon’s office in downtown Vancouver, as opposed to 145pm at St. Paul’s hospital.

Despite the early time, that worked out better for me anyways…get it over with and get on with my day. So bright and early on Friday morning my Dad and two of my best friends accompanied me to Dr. Van Laeken’s office for my consultation.

I first met with a nurse who would be on my ‘surgery team’. She apparently has been in the OR a lot with my ‘removal’ surgeon and said that if anyone she cared about had to get this surgery done, she’d highly recommend my surgeon…nice to know she is so well respected!

The nurse then explained the two likely options I will have for surgery – a tram flap or implants – and then showed me before and after pictures of previous patients. She gave me a brief run-down of expected recovery, time in hospital, and other side-effects of both procedures.

I’ll be honest – I was a little stunned. Picture after picture came up on the screen and to me, nothing looked good. All I saw were big scars. With a few friends having had breast augmentation and no visible scars, I really was surprised at how big the scars on the pictures were. The nurse told me that most of the scarring would be underneath my breasts or covered by a nipple, but I just saw scars. Maybe those pictures were really soon after the surgery, but I got a little overwhelmed at how visible the scars would be. Until one of my friends mentioned that no one was really ever going to see the scars unless I showed them. Still…a little hard for me to take.

But if I thought scars were hard to take, I had seriously underprepared myself for what the nurse said next. She got up to leave and go get the surgeon and finished her part of the presentation with “so in total, you are looking at about 8 months until you are done.”

Pardon? 8 months? Months??? Seriously?

I guess I had it in my mind that I would have surgery, then recover for 4-6 weeks as told, and be done with surgery and move on. Guess not.

The surgeon came in next to talk to me and examine me. While this was my first time meeting her, she is actually a family friend on my Dad’s side and is really well-liked by our family. First thing I notice, her amazing dress. She looked great. But more than that, she drew respect and authority as she walked in. She was kind, direct, and very thorough while she was talking to me. She explained both options to me, examined what I currently look like, and then gave me her opinion.

Due a few factors (longer surgery, longer time in hospital, weaker abdominal wall, bigger breasts, etc) she recommended that I get an implant. After the mastectomy she would insert a tissue expander into my chest wall. It would then need to be slowly filled with fluid over a 3 month time frame until it got big enough to match my current breast size. Then I would go back in for surgery where they would remove the expander and insert a permanent implant.

Ultimately the choice is mine, but that’s what the surgeon recommends. It was a really hard appointment – especially hard to realize that this is going to take a lot longer than I originally thought. But I had great support in the room in my two friends and my Dad…I really am very lucky to have such amazing people surrounding me.

#6

Yesterday I headed back to the cancer clinic for treatment #6. This treatment was the same as #5 in terms of the drugs I needed to take, but this time it was supposed to be a lot quicker.

We got going around 10:20am with my Herceptin IV. This time I was given the IV over 1 hour as opposed to 1.5 hours. I also only needed to be monitored for 30 minutes instead of 1 hour. Eventually I will be down to receiving the Herceptin over 30 minutes with no need to be monitored.

Next up was the Docetoxal which was to be given over an hour. I got to wear the lovely cold gloves again, but this time it wasn’t as bad. My one finger still is has a number sensation from last time, but the Doc seems to think that is from the drugs, not the ice gloves.

The chemo IV bag seemed to be draining pretty fast so I asked the nurse if it was going too fast. She seemed to think it was okay, but went and asked the pharmacists just to be sure. They said the mix of drugs was correct and that it was fine. But to me, it didn’t make sense. I was supposed to be given the IV over an hour, yet I was done around 40 minutes. It made me a bit worried – even into last night…will I get a call today saying I have to go back and get more?

After sleeping, I felt a lot better about things and am going to try not to worry at all. The drugs are definitely in my system!

How do I know? Well, I’m weepy, emotional, tired, and a little sore. Nothing too too crazy, but definitely leaves me stuck to the house a bit. We did get out for a 30 minute walk last night, and I am going to try and keep that up. It’s just so hard to get motivated some days…okay most days. And by the time it gets cool enough outside for me to go for a walk, I feel super tired. But I need to make a point of getting out and exercising – it will help with recovery, my upcoming surgery, and my overall mental health.

I’ve also developed some irritations on my skin – my one eye is really dry, itchy and red on the lid, my port-site was really red from the adhesive needed to attach the IV to my chest, and the skin behind my one ear is getting really dry. Apparently this is all from the copious amounts of drugs in my system. I have only 1 more day of chemo meds to take, but then tomorrow I start my injections again…this time I need to take 6! Yikes. But they are working so I need to be happy about that. Just might be a little hard to do 4 of the injections while out of town this week.

I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Friday down in Vancouver, so I will see what she says. Moving on, one step at a time.

Then I will get the immense pleasure of being a bridesmaid in one of my best friends from high school’s wedding! I cannot wait to see her and be part of their big day.

6 down, only 2 to go! Almost there.

Nelson

This past weekend, Cayley and I headed off to Nelson to attend the wedding of one of my great high school friends. In fact, I went to high school with both the Groom and the Bride so it was a great chance to see a few old friends and reconnect. The best-man and I were also great friends from high school, and I also was able to meet his 25 day-old baby boy!

It was Cayley’s first visit to the Kootenays and it was fun to show him around the town. We stayed with Elliott at the old house on the hill. The weather was great and the views were fabulous. It was a little hard being back in Nelson…it had been around 4 years since I had been back. The house had changed a little with some great renovations, but there were still many things that remained the same…even from my childhood. It is always hard going back without my mom there, but it was really great to see Elliott again and catch up.

The wedding was held at the Bride’s parent’s place which was located right on Kootenay Lake. What a beautiful setting! You could tell the tremendous amount of work, time, effort and attention to detail that went into this wedding. It was gorgeous and everyone had a great time. The bride was stunning and the groom looked great too – biggest smile I had seen on his face in a very long time J

All the traveling has worn me out a bit, but it has been totally worth it to see everyone and be there for their special occasions. We definitely took advantage of the Labour Day Monday holiday – came back from Nelson on Sunday, and then slept in a lot on Monday – good thing it was a Back to the Future marathon on tv ;)