Positivity

In trying to settle out my life ‘post-chemo’ I found myself going through a lot of the pamphlets and handouts that I was given at the start of my diagnosis. Truth be told, I did not (and still haven’t) read all of them. There is just so much information out there that processing it all has taken its toll.

Part of me feels a little guilty for not reading all I can to make sure that I am doing the best thing, but there is a huge part of me that knows that it would be extremely difficult to accomplish that task. My concentration has been only available in small pieces here and there since April. And honestly, even if I did learn just one more small bit of information, would it make THAT big of a difference in how I am being treated? Very doubtful that my medical team will change my course of action at this point.

However, in saying that, there is always something new to learn, and it really is never too late to put it into practice. I stumbled across a small paragraph in a pamphlet that I ripped out, and now carry in my wallet. I don’t even remember what the pamphlet was about, but here’s the part I ripped out:

“Yourself
Try to stay positive. Staying positive is about figuring out how to deal with cancer in the best way that you can – and that everyone will do this in their own way. It doesn’t mean that you must seem happy or cheerful all the time or avoid talking or thinking about the difficulties of having cancer. But it can mean looking after yourself by finding relaxing, enjoyable activities that refresh you mentally, spiritually or physically.”

The biggest message I took away from that – you don’t always have to be stoic, have a smile on your face, or pretend that things are okay when it’s actually really really hard.

It’s hard to hear people constantly saying “well, you just gotta stay positive”. Yeah I get it – you don’t know what else to say…but seriously? I know that attitude affects everything, but c’mon – just because I put a smile on my face and think of all the ‘silver linings’ out there does not rid cancer from my body.

I’ve been trying to remain close friends with Positivity – trust me, I have. I fight through the hard feelings, the times where I feel awful and really have been trying to look on the bright side – but it’s hard…really hard somedays and I’m not going to pretend that going through this is easy. That just does not seem fair to all the people (including me) who just sometimes can’t hide how difficult this is by putting a smile on my face and looking on the bright side.

That’s not to say I don’t find joy and happiness in lots of things – I do! But I think I am going to be more in tune with letting myself be sad/mad/upset when I need to. After all, I have a piece of paper in my wallet that says I am allowed to ;)