The Next Step

Today’s the day I leave for Vancouver to be down there for my surgery. I wanted to write something all week, but really I didn’t know what to write! Life sort of felt like it was getting back to ‘normal’. I had a lot of things to do to prepare – buying a variety of products to help with recovery, making a bunch of phone calls that I might not be able to while I’m away, visiting people, etc etc. And really it kinda seemed boring or too normal to chat about! haha

It seemed like everyone wanted to see me before I headed off to Vancouver – part of me was really happy about that, but part of me was also a little irritated – I mean, I have been here for a while, and people knew when the date was – maybe not squishing it in at the last minute would have been okay too??? But I realized that I was being silly – it’s great to hang out with friends and I have been feeling a lot better lately and able to handle more visiting time. And I made sure that if I couldn’t make it work, to not worry about it, not try and squish it in, and just do what I felt I needed to do.

The last week has been pretty good. People have been telling me I look a lot better than they have seen me look in a long time. Part of that is due to the make-up I can now wear as my skin doesn’t get irritated. Part of it is because I am feeling really great (well comparatively so!!) so I am sure my mood and my spirits aid in my appearance. And part of it is because I no longer have to be on all the different drugs!

I’m still tired a lot – I get tired quickly, I stay in bed for a long time – but I feel better overall. My one friend told me I looked good and when I told her it was likely the make-up she replied “no, you looked tired before. Now you don’t look so tired.” And the colour is returning to my face – I’m not so washed-out/grayish anymore!

It’s been hard to celebrate feeling way better, as surgery has quickly approached. I had a lot of errands to do before the surgery and felt I had to get a lot done before heading to Vancouver. I was chatting with a friend and she said that after reading my blog it seems like I’m not scared about surgery. I should clear that up – I am definitely scared. It’s hard to imagine how my life will be like after I have this done. I wonder about if I will really be able to play sports again, if I will look okay once it’s all done, if the procedure will go as planned.

But at the same time, I know this has to be done. I don’t want to do it, but I know that I need to suck up those feelings and march on with it. Just after I attended a Breast Reconstruction support group meeting, I think I resigned to the fact that it is happening and no matter if I ask 10 questions or 10 million, I still have to go through with it. I’ve done my research, I’ve asked the questions I was worried about, I’ve bought the recommended items to help, and now I just have to go through with it.

I went for lunch to a great Chinese place with my Dad on Friday. We ate and then got our fortune cookies. Mine read “Be brave enough to live creatively”. I just kept staring at the first two words “Be Brave”. Felt it was a bit fitting for my upcoming week, so I stuck it in my pocket so I wouldn’t forget to be brave.

Last night I took pictures of my bare chest. I will likely never look at them, but more than one person who has gone through this has told me to do it as it helped them. I guess I’d rather have the picture and never look at it, then not have it and wish I did.

Anyways, I still have to finish packing before we head out. I’m very thankful that Dad and Cayley will both be with me, and that I have a terrific group of family and friends down in Vancouver to make me smile. As of Tuesday at 1030am, my life will have changed again and I will be one step closer to being cancer-free.