Stupid cancer

Last week I learned of my surgery date. This brought with it a bit of anxiousness and worry and my mind immediately jumped into ‘sort it out’ mode. You know that mode – where you are faced with something and you start thinking of all the ways to ‘sort it out’. Thoughts ran through my mind like ‘better get some loose fitting, easy to put on clothing for right after the surgery’ to ‘I need to arrange a place to stay in Vancouver while I am there’ and ‘how can I set up my house so that it’s easy to get around after I get home’.

But the thought that ran through my mind the most ‘am I going to be able to go to Mexico a mere 3.5 weeks after surgery for my friend’s wedding?’, more importantly, ‘should I go?’

I did everything I could think of to gather all the information I needed to make a decision. I talked to the surgeon’s office to see what they thought. I talked to the plastic surgeon’s office. I asked people who had previously had mastectomies what their experience was 3 weeks after going ‘under the knife’. I talked to friends, family to get the positives and potential risks of going. I asked the travel agent what our insurance options were.

I’ll spare you the details of why/why not but in the end I decided not to go. It broke my heart to tell my friend that I couldn’t come. She is one of the most amazing people I know so of course she understood and tried to make me feel better….wait a sec, shouldn’t that be the other way around??? I hate disappointing her. I hate disappointing Cayley – I know he was looking forward to the trip as well.

I am disappointed as well, but I don’t think I will regret the decision. I will need time to rest and heal after my surgery and I don’t want to feel pressured to ‘hurry up and get better’ so we can go. I’m trying to be as grown-up as possible about this…but all I keep thinking (imagine me with a pouty lip sticking out and little kid voice)is “stupid cancer”.