Sometimes I am way too tired to sit at a computer and pour out my feelings on to the screen. And sometimes I feel like I could write and write and have lots of things to talk about. Today is one of those days.
So I will pre-warn this 2nd blog post of the day with this caution - If you are one of those people who likes to jump to the end of a book, find out what happens and then read the story, please do continue on. But if you are one of those people who likes to go through the story, build up the suspense, get emotionally tied to the words and then, at the end, find out what happens, I invite you to read the post before (Decisions, Decisions) before continuing on. I wouldn’t want to spoil the ending for those who like the suspense ;)
My co-worker and I left for San Francisco last Sunday. It was her first time into the city and I was really excited to show her around a bit. My good friend from school was picking us up at the airport and then we were going to hang out and see the city a bit and have some dinner before she headed out of town for work.
I feel like I would bore a lot of people with the details, so I’ll try and keep the highlights of my trip to a minimum. For those of you who like to skip ahead, let me sum it up by saying the trip was great, tiring, sunny, and a lot of fun.
On Monday, we headed down to the Moscone Center to set up for the tradeshow. As things came together in our booth, it felt pretty good to be working and I was excited for the show ahead. After set up, we took a cable car over to Fisherman’s Wharf to have some lunch. After we wandered around, my colleague and I parted ways so she could go shopping and I could go back and see my school.
This was a big test for me – would I feel the need to be back at school? Would my excitement be let down?
As I walked in the doors, the first person I saw was the registrar who I had been talking to about upcoming elective choices. I gave him a huge hug and said hello and he gave me the run down on how things were on campus. He also told me to stop by his office when I was done saying hi to everyone so we could chat about elective choices for May.
I continued upstairs and saw many of the staff in the student services offices. They were all so happy and excited to see me and I was filled with excitement as well. We all gave huge hugs and briefly caught up as to why I was in San Francisco.
Their office is all encased in glass walls, so as I stood there talking to them, I saw other staff members, and former students (and good friends of mine) who were on campus. They all popped in to say hi and give me huge hugs. The smiles all around me just filled me with a joy that is hard to explain. I felt excited, happy and could not stop smiling.
The Dean of the school saw me and popped in to say hi. After a big hug, he asked me the question that I am sure was on everyone else’s mind, but they were just waiting to ask –“so Aidan, will we see you here in a few months for the next module of classes?”
I knew I would have to make a decision at some point. I knew I would have to get off the fence post. I couldn’t avoid this forever – and talking about it with people always made me teary. Maybe making the decision would change that. I figured I would just know once I got to the city, to school and would just allow whatever felt right to be the choice.
With a big smile on my face and solid confidence in my voice I replied “Not this year Dean. But you will see me in May 2013.”
The rest of the trip was great – tiring, but really great. I did some work and got really excited about our company and how I might fit with being there on a more consistent basis. I saw old friends and caught up. It was amazing to see a lot of people and see how post-MBA life was treating them. I didn’t get to see everyone or do everything I wanted to, but it was a great trip filled with lots of fun and smiles.
The trip was also draining – I was exhausted for a lot of yesterday and even a little bit sad. Cayley and I looked at two places to rent yesterday and neither of them were very great. We went out for a bit with friends last night and there wasn’t a lot going on. The reality of my decision was sinking in a bit and I shed a few tears last night. Likely I was just really tired, but part of me knows I was sad about not going back to San Francisco, back to my MBA, back to my ‘old’ life right away.
After a restful night’s sleep, I woke up this morning full of excitement – this next year isn’t exactly how I pictured it, but I still think it’s going to be really great – I get to be around great family and friends, be in a great work environment with a company I am really excited about and I get to find a place to live with a really really great man. Next on the list, heading to Portland, OR for a celebration of being over a few big hurdles/ mini-vacation in a few weekends!
Sunday, 4 March 2012
Decisions, Decisions
I headed to San Francisco last week to help out my colleagues at a tradeshow. I was really excited for this trip for a few reasons. Reason #1 – traveling for work is a pretty normal thing for people to do – I have not had much “normal” lately. Reason #2 – I felt the trip back to SF, back to see my friends, back to see my school would solidify in my mind whether or not I should go back to attending classes in May 2012.
Yes, I realize, decisions like this shouldn’t be made completely on a ‘gut’ feel. But I had rationalized myself in every way I could think of and still had conflicting feelings. Cayley and I talked and while we’d both love to be back in SF in a few months, it likely was not the best choice.
Why not, you may ask. Well a few factors come into play. Factor #1 – Herceptin – I need to get a Herceptin IV treatment every three weeks until the end of July. I would need to fly home to do this as it would cost me around $5,000+/treatment to have it administered in the USA.
Factor #2 – Surgery – I will have to get my tissue expander replaced by a permanent implant in the coming months. It is not necessary to do it right away, but again, I’d have to make arrangements to come home and have this done. I also need to have my port removed in day surgery, or go get it flushed out once a month – not an easy task while not at home.
Factor #3 – OPT Visa – when you attend and graduate from school in the USA, you are eligible to apply for an OPT (Optional Practical Training) Visa. This visa does have a few rules, but for the most part, it allows you to find a job, test it out, without your employer having to sponsor you for a USA working visa. If I left school immediately after completing, I would no longer be eligible and the opportunity to apply for the OPT visa would be gone.
Factor #4 – My Mind – my memory is not what it used to be, I have a hard time articulating myself and I struggle to concentrate some of the time. I am competitive with myself and while just going to school, pushing through and being done sounds nice in theory, I’d always be disappointed that I couldn’t do my best – perhaps losing out on graduating with honours because I rushed back.
Also, the psychologist I chatted with posed the question ‘what if you go back, find you can’t do it and have to quit again – do you think you could handle that?’ Knowing myself, the answer is likely no.
While I’d like to believe this is a rational decision, one based on facts, likely outcomes and scenarios, you can’t help but think of the emotional side of things. Staying in Kelowna means one more year until I get done – and does that mean I am just putting it off and won’t ever finish? Will all of my classmates, friends and network in San Francisco be gone from the city by then? Will I have forgotten everything I learned the first 8 months of the program? After staying here, being comfortable in a city I know with people I love for an extra year, will I even want to go back? Am I really just scared?
As people asked me over and over what I was going to do next, I couldn’t help but think of what I should do. Cayley and I talked at length. I chatted with my Dad, other family, and friends as to what I should do. Cayley and I made a decision – but to be honest, in my mind it wasn’t going to be solidified until I went back and felt it.
Yes, I realize, decisions like this shouldn’t be made completely on a ‘gut’ feel. But I had rationalized myself in every way I could think of and still had conflicting feelings. Cayley and I talked and while we’d both love to be back in SF in a few months, it likely was not the best choice.
Why not, you may ask. Well a few factors come into play. Factor #1 – Herceptin – I need to get a Herceptin IV treatment every three weeks until the end of July. I would need to fly home to do this as it would cost me around $5,000+/treatment to have it administered in the USA.
Factor #2 – Surgery – I will have to get my tissue expander replaced by a permanent implant in the coming months. It is not necessary to do it right away, but again, I’d have to make arrangements to come home and have this done. I also need to have my port removed in day surgery, or go get it flushed out once a month – not an easy task while not at home.
Factor #3 – OPT Visa – when you attend and graduate from school in the USA, you are eligible to apply for an OPT (Optional Practical Training) Visa. This visa does have a few rules, but for the most part, it allows you to find a job, test it out, without your employer having to sponsor you for a USA working visa. If I left school immediately after completing, I would no longer be eligible and the opportunity to apply for the OPT visa would be gone.
Factor #4 – My Mind – my memory is not what it used to be, I have a hard time articulating myself and I struggle to concentrate some of the time. I am competitive with myself and while just going to school, pushing through and being done sounds nice in theory, I’d always be disappointed that I couldn’t do my best – perhaps losing out on graduating with honours because I rushed back.
Also, the psychologist I chatted with posed the question ‘what if you go back, find you can’t do it and have to quit again – do you think you could handle that?’ Knowing myself, the answer is likely no.
While I’d like to believe this is a rational decision, one based on facts, likely outcomes and scenarios, you can’t help but think of the emotional side of things. Staying in Kelowna means one more year until I get done – and does that mean I am just putting it off and won’t ever finish? Will all of my classmates, friends and network in San Francisco be gone from the city by then? Will I have forgotten everything I learned the first 8 months of the program? After staying here, being comfortable in a city I know with people I love for an extra year, will I even want to go back? Am I really just scared?
As people asked me over and over what I was going to do next, I couldn’t help but think of what I should do. Cayley and I talked at length. I chatted with my Dad, other family, and friends as to what I should do. Cayley and I made a decision – but to be honest, in my mind it wasn’t going to be solidified until I went back and felt it.
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
And DONE
Last week was a bit of a whirlwind – managing my last few radiation appointments, sprinkled with other doctor visits, made the week seem to fly by and all of a sudden it was Thursday afternoon. My 27th radiation treatment happened at 3pm on Thursday and my 28th, and final, treatment was scheduled for Friday at 9am. This small 18 hour gap between treatments made the end seem that much more in reach.
Friday’s final treatment felt great. I threw my hospital housecoat and gown into the laundry service, never to wear it again. I headed into work feeling full of energy. It was such an amazing day – like your birthday, only filled with a huge sense of relief!
People sent me well-wishes, called, sent flowers – it was fabulous! My work had a surprise celebration for me as well which was totally unexpected and really moved me.
After work I headed for dinner with Dad, Devin, Cayley and my Aunt who was in town. I was feeling great and thought that maybe we’d go out a bit later to celebrate. But as has happened to me continuously since this whole thing started, I got tired…fast. One minute I was thinking of places to go and meet people, the next I was thinking of nothing but my bed.
While the official celebrations didn’t last long, all in all, it was a great weekend filled with a lot of smiles. There were some tears too – maybe some of relief, maybe some of uncertainty, maybe some of stress – I really don’t know where they came from, but they didn’t last long – the feeling of being done was just too much joy!
So what’s next? Well the Doc told me that I should expect to feel the side-effects building for another 10-14 days, at which point they peak and then subside. I don’t need to see the radiation Doc for a check-up until mid-April.
I’ve started working a bit more, and in a fabulous bit of news, work is sending me to San Francisco with two other colleagues to work a tradeshow next week! Part of me is a bit nervous about heading out for such a long period of time, especially without Cayley. But part of me is so excited – excited to go to SF, excited to see some of my friends there, and excited to get back to some sort of ‘normal’ and productive life.
I know I will have to be careful – I still get really tired, really quickly – but my coworkers know that and are prepared for me taking a lot of breaks if needed. So bring on SF! Definitely excited for next week and to see what it holds.
Friday’s final treatment felt great. I threw my hospital housecoat and gown into the laundry service, never to wear it again. I headed into work feeling full of energy. It was such an amazing day – like your birthday, only filled with a huge sense of relief!
People sent me well-wishes, called, sent flowers – it was fabulous! My work had a surprise celebration for me as well which was totally unexpected and really moved me.
After work I headed for dinner with Dad, Devin, Cayley and my Aunt who was in town. I was feeling great and thought that maybe we’d go out a bit later to celebrate. But as has happened to me continuously since this whole thing started, I got tired…fast. One minute I was thinking of places to go and meet people, the next I was thinking of nothing but my bed.
While the official celebrations didn’t last long, all in all, it was a great weekend filled with a lot of smiles. There were some tears too – maybe some of relief, maybe some of uncertainty, maybe some of stress – I really don’t know where they came from, but they didn’t last long – the feeling of being done was just too much joy!
So what’s next? Well the Doc told me that I should expect to feel the side-effects building for another 10-14 days, at which point they peak and then subside. I don’t need to see the radiation Doc for a check-up until mid-April.
I’ve started working a bit more, and in a fabulous bit of news, work is sending me to San Francisco with two other colleagues to work a tradeshow next week! Part of me is a bit nervous about heading out for such a long period of time, especially without Cayley. But part of me is so excited – excited to go to SF, excited to see some of my friends there, and excited to get back to some sort of ‘normal’ and productive life.
I know I will have to be careful – I still get really tired, really quickly – but my coworkers know that and are prepared for me taking a lot of breaks if needed. So bring on SF! Definitely excited for next week and to see what it holds.
Friday, 10 February 2012
One week to go
I wanted to write earlier and announce that I was into the single digits for treatment or other slightly less boring news, but as often happens to me these days, I just can’t find the time, nor energy to write in my blog. It’s not that I am so drained I don’t have energy for anything – but I really do feel that with going to the cancer centre every day, plus trying to work, get errands done, and live a normalish lifestyle, there is not much time for anything else.
Yesterday I had a really bad day, so I decided to take the morning off from everything and write a few thoughts on here. So let me get you up to speed:
I’m down to only 5 treatments left – exactly one week today, at around 930am, I will be done the radiation portion of my treatment plan. I don’t have treatment today as the machine has its scheduled maintenance day, so I get a bit of a long weekend.
How do I feel about being close to the end? For the most part, excellent. No more going to the centre every day, trying to find parking, putting on a gown and waiting for my turn. No more wondering if it will take 15 minutes or an hour to be done my session. All in all, I will be very happy this next part is over.
However, I’d be lying if I said I was completely stoked to be done – there is this small part of me that is a bit concerned.
When you are sick and you have to go to the hospital every day, you take small comfort in the fact that if anything new is wrong, it will be less than 24 hours before you see doctors, nurses, technicians and other experienced staff who have seen many people like you before. A casual mention of “hey, I have this new spot on my neck, is that common?” can instantly put you at ease, or put you into a plan to treat that side effect.
Other times, it’s the professionals who notice something – “Hmmm Aidan, you have a bit of a mark on your skin, let’s just check that out to be sure.” My safety net of many nurses, doctors, technicians, etc checking me out every day will be gone.
In all honesty, it’s not hard to go to the centre or call them and wait to see someone. And I’m 99% happy to be done with radiation. But there is that little 1% of me that wonders if I will be as good as the staff at spotting new/different things going on with me. How careful and observant will I have to be? In going to the centre, every day I feel like I am doing something towards making me healthy – will not going there leave a void? Leave me feeling like I am doing nothing to help my health?
Anyways, these are just some of the questions that float through my mind at times. Don’t get me wrong, I will be happy to be done this part of my treatment – very happy. But it’s hard to not wonder – what’s next?
Yesterday I had a really bad day, so I decided to take the morning off from everything and write a few thoughts on here. So let me get you up to speed:
I’m down to only 5 treatments left – exactly one week today, at around 930am, I will be done the radiation portion of my treatment plan. I don’t have treatment today as the machine has its scheduled maintenance day, so I get a bit of a long weekend.
How do I feel about being close to the end? For the most part, excellent. No more going to the centre every day, trying to find parking, putting on a gown and waiting for my turn. No more wondering if it will take 15 minutes or an hour to be done my session. All in all, I will be very happy this next part is over.
However, I’d be lying if I said I was completely stoked to be done – there is this small part of me that is a bit concerned.
When you are sick and you have to go to the hospital every day, you take small comfort in the fact that if anything new is wrong, it will be less than 24 hours before you see doctors, nurses, technicians and other experienced staff who have seen many people like you before. A casual mention of “hey, I have this new spot on my neck, is that common?” can instantly put you at ease, or put you into a plan to treat that side effect.
Other times, it’s the professionals who notice something – “Hmmm Aidan, you have a bit of a mark on your skin, let’s just check that out to be sure.” My safety net of many nurses, doctors, technicians, etc checking me out every day will be gone.
In all honesty, it’s not hard to go to the centre or call them and wait to see someone. And I’m 99% happy to be done with radiation. But there is that little 1% of me that wonders if I will be as good as the staff at spotting new/different things going on with me. How careful and observant will I have to be? In going to the centre, every day I feel like I am doing something towards making me healthy – will not going there leave a void? Leave me feeling like I am doing nothing to help my health?
Anyways, these are just some of the questions that float through my mind at times. Don’t get me wrong, I will be happy to be done this part of my treatment – very happy. But it’s hard to not wonder – what’s next?
Shingles – not just siding for your house
I developed a small rash on my neck about 10 days ago. My neck was itchy one Monday night so when I went to the cancer centre on Tuesday, I asked about it. I first asked the Radiation technicians if it was from the radiation. Nope – the field of the radiation beam doesn’t go that high on my neck.
Next up was my Herceptin treatment, so I asked the nurses in the chemo room about it. They weren’t sure, so they called in one of the Oncologist Docs. She said it was likely nothing, but was going to check with my main Doc just in case.
Turns out that I might have shingles. After having chicken pox as a kid, the virus lay dormant in my body for the last 20+ years. The Docs get concerned with chemo patients that their immune systems have been compromised and that the virus might rear its ugly head in the adult form of chicken pox, shingles. They don’t want to chance anything, so I’m given an anti-viral medication to take for a week.
I also asked my Radiation Doc what he thought – he wasn’t sure it was shingles, but we better take precautions just in case. The technicians now have to wear yellow gowns and rubber gloves when treating me, to protect other patients. I was told to wash my hands a lot and to watch for any other signs of a rash on other parts of my body.
So I went on my merry way and was diligent about taking my medication, not scratching my neck, and looking for other signs of a rash.
I started to feel itchy in the back of my head, so I took a look and saw a small area of red – definitely not as red or rash-like as the area on my neck, but it was still there. So in between physio and my radiation treatment yesterday, I thought I’d stop in to see the doc/nurse and see what was up.
That started an afternoon of awfulness for me. I was taken to an isolation room and two nurses came to talk to me – one of the regular nurses from the centre and one from infection control. They both wore those yellow gowns and rubber gloves. To say I was nervous/scared was an understatement.
The Doctor came in to see me briefly and told me I could go to my radiation treatment, but to come back afterwards and we’d get it sorted out.
I went down to the radiation room and as I was lying on the table, the infection control nurse came in and told me they needed to put a mask on me to protect other patients. I was lying there, tears streaming down my face, and wondering what was going to happen.
After radiation was done, I went back to the isolation room area – I asked if I could just go home and they told me I couldn’t. I just couldn’t help it, I started crying.
To make a long story shorter, I spent the next 3 hours and 45 minutes in a room by myself. The nurses would come in every once in a while to offer me water or other things but really, I just wanted to leave. I tried really hard to stay positive and keep myself occupied with surfing the internet on my phone. Cayley and another friend kept sending me funny texts to make me laugh.
Around hour 2.5 I was getting really nervous – why did this not seem as serious before? When could I go home? What was happening? Not only that, my phone’s battery was slowly dying. I hadn’t eaten lunch and it was nearing 330pm. I asked Cayley to call the centre and see if they would tell him what was happening with me. He said he’d try and find out.
Next thing I know, there is a knock at the door and in walks Cayley with some water and a muffin. He said he told the staff that if I was contagious, he’d already have been exposed as we made out a lot – he said that made the nurses laugh so they let him come see me. I don’t think I can say enough times how amazing this guy is!
Anyways, I was finally sent home around 445pm with a prescription for a cream for the small area on the back of my head. The infection control nurse had gone for the day by the time the doctor was sending me home, so I didn’t really know what to do. I was scared that I’d exposed other people – including my friend’s 2 year old son and my other friend who is 3 months pregnant. I would feel awful if anything bad happened to them because of me.
As I went to bed last night, I kept wondering ‘is this going to be the rest of my life? Always being sick with something?’ I cried a lot – mostly because I was worried, a bit scared, and a lot tired from siting in a room by myself all afternoon.
This morning I got a phone call from the infection control nurse – turns out they think that the small rash on the back of my head is not shingles, I was/am not contagious, and not to worry. A few different docs will follow up with me to see what is going on back there – but for now, don’t worry, use the prescription cream, and try not to wear anything in the area.
That was a scare I’d like to never repeat. It also got me wondering if I will always be like this – having to see doctors all the time with new items going awry because of what my body has been through. Cayley reassured me that given time, my body will recover, I’ll be healthy like before and a lot of this will be behind me. So I’m going to believe him, and go back to the world where shingles are the things to you put on the side of your house.
Next up was my Herceptin treatment, so I asked the nurses in the chemo room about it. They weren’t sure, so they called in one of the Oncologist Docs. She said it was likely nothing, but was going to check with my main Doc just in case.
Turns out that I might have shingles. After having chicken pox as a kid, the virus lay dormant in my body for the last 20+ years. The Docs get concerned with chemo patients that their immune systems have been compromised and that the virus might rear its ugly head in the adult form of chicken pox, shingles. They don’t want to chance anything, so I’m given an anti-viral medication to take for a week.
I also asked my Radiation Doc what he thought – he wasn’t sure it was shingles, but we better take precautions just in case. The technicians now have to wear yellow gowns and rubber gloves when treating me, to protect other patients. I was told to wash my hands a lot and to watch for any other signs of a rash on other parts of my body.
So I went on my merry way and was diligent about taking my medication, not scratching my neck, and looking for other signs of a rash.
I started to feel itchy in the back of my head, so I took a look and saw a small area of red – definitely not as red or rash-like as the area on my neck, but it was still there. So in between physio and my radiation treatment yesterday, I thought I’d stop in to see the doc/nurse and see what was up.
That started an afternoon of awfulness for me. I was taken to an isolation room and two nurses came to talk to me – one of the regular nurses from the centre and one from infection control. They both wore those yellow gowns and rubber gloves. To say I was nervous/scared was an understatement.
The Doctor came in to see me briefly and told me I could go to my radiation treatment, but to come back afterwards and we’d get it sorted out.
I went down to the radiation room and as I was lying on the table, the infection control nurse came in and told me they needed to put a mask on me to protect other patients. I was lying there, tears streaming down my face, and wondering what was going to happen.
After radiation was done, I went back to the isolation room area – I asked if I could just go home and they told me I couldn’t. I just couldn’t help it, I started crying.
To make a long story shorter, I spent the next 3 hours and 45 minutes in a room by myself. The nurses would come in every once in a while to offer me water or other things but really, I just wanted to leave. I tried really hard to stay positive and keep myself occupied with surfing the internet on my phone. Cayley and another friend kept sending me funny texts to make me laugh.
Around hour 2.5 I was getting really nervous – why did this not seem as serious before? When could I go home? What was happening? Not only that, my phone’s battery was slowly dying. I hadn’t eaten lunch and it was nearing 330pm. I asked Cayley to call the centre and see if they would tell him what was happening with me. He said he’d try and find out.
Next thing I know, there is a knock at the door and in walks Cayley with some water and a muffin. He said he told the staff that if I was contagious, he’d already have been exposed as we made out a lot – he said that made the nurses laugh so they let him come see me. I don’t think I can say enough times how amazing this guy is!
Anyways, I was finally sent home around 445pm with a prescription for a cream for the small area on the back of my head. The infection control nurse had gone for the day by the time the doctor was sending me home, so I didn’t really know what to do. I was scared that I’d exposed other people – including my friend’s 2 year old son and my other friend who is 3 months pregnant. I would feel awful if anything bad happened to them because of me.
As I went to bed last night, I kept wondering ‘is this going to be the rest of my life? Always being sick with something?’ I cried a lot – mostly because I was worried, a bit scared, and a lot tired from siting in a room by myself all afternoon.
This morning I got a phone call from the infection control nurse – turns out they think that the small rash on the back of my head is not shingles, I was/am not contagious, and not to worry. A few different docs will follow up with me to see what is going on back there – but for now, don’t worry, use the prescription cream, and try not to wear anything in the area.
That was a scare I’d like to never repeat. It also got me wondering if I will always be like this – having to see doctors all the time with new items going awry because of what my body has been through. Cayley reassured me that given time, my body will recover, I’ll be healthy like before and a lot of this will be behind me. So I’m going to believe him, and go back to the world where shingles are the things to you put on the side of your house.
Saturday, 28 January 2012
The Half Way Point
Yesterday marked treatment #14, exactly half way through the whole radiation process. I haven’t written in a while because of a few reasons:
#1 – really there is nothing exciting to say – my shoulders hurt, my hands are numb/tingly, we aren’t done the extremely hard puzzle in the waiting room of the treatment centre, etc
#2 – with having to be at the centre every M-F, and trying to balance other things like errands, work, rest, I honestly feel like I have no time to do much of anything.
But I do realize that while maybe to me this has become a really difficult routine, it has also made me a bit withdrawn. I don’t reach out to chat to people as often as I normally do. Some of that has to do with feeling like I have no time, but other times I just feel miserable and the last thing I would want to do is call/email someone and be like “hey, things suck, I’m miserable and that’s all I have to say”. I hate being negative like that. I really try to be positive even when it's extremely difficult to do so.
Radiation has been no picnic. It’s really hard to talk to people about it at times…everyone assumes that because you can’t feel the radiation beam, that it’s “easy” or a “breeze” compared to everything else.
Well it’s not. No, it doesn’t really hurt during the treatment, but my shoulders are in a lot of pain. My skin is starting to get red and itchy. I have to be really careful with lotions and soaps as to not further irritate the area. And I’m tired…I can almost feel when my battery is draining and I feel like a kid’s toy winding down fast due to no energy.
Maybe if I had done radiation first, before my body started hating me for all the chemo, before I had my tissue and muscles and skin altered from surgery, it would be a lot easier. However, this is the way it is for me, and I have to just suck it up and deal with it.
On the positive side of things, the last week of radiation has gone by fairly well. I had to have a new CT scan done last Friday to try and put me in a more comfortable position. The first few treatments were similar and uncomfortable, but the ones on Thursday and Friday were much faster and much better.
With treatment every day, time seems to go by very quickly. On Friday I had an appointment with my medical oncologist, my first in 3 months. The staff in her office are so encouraging – saying I looked really great and not sick any more. They also weighed me – standard procedure – and I was down 16 lbs from my last chemo weigh-in! Woo hoo! This means I’m about 5ish lbs away from ‘normal’ weight.
The Doc is a bit puzzled about the numbness in my hands, so she is going to send me for a nerve conductivity test just to rule out anything strange. She figures it’s a leftover side effect from the chemo but it is a bit weird that it is this late in coming. So I am on a new medication to try and control the pain. Apparently nerve damage can take 1-2 years to repair, so hopefully this medication helps in the meantime.
So at the ½ way point, I’m feeling pretty good about things. 14 treatments left in the next 3 weeks and that does not seem like much time at all. On Tuesday I will also be over the hump for Herceptin treatments as well – 9 down, 8 to go. As I celebrate my birthday I keep thinking that I’m almost done the major treatment stuff… and that just might be the best birthday present yet!
#1 – really there is nothing exciting to say – my shoulders hurt, my hands are numb/tingly, we aren’t done the extremely hard puzzle in the waiting room of the treatment centre, etc
#2 – with having to be at the centre every M-F, and trying to balance other things like errands, work, rest, I honestly feel like I have no time to do much of anything.
But I do realize that while maybe to me this has become a really difficult routine, it has also made me a bit withdrawn. I don’t reach out to chat to people as often as I normally do. Some of that has to do with feeling like I have no time, but other times I just feel miserable and the last thing I would want to do is call/email someone and be like “hey, things suck, I’m miserable and that’s all I have to say”. I hate being negative like that. I really try to be positive even when it's extremely difficult to do so.
Radiation has been no picnic. It’s really hard to talk to people about it at times…everyone assumes that because you can’t feel the radiation beam, that it’s “easy” or a “breeze” compared to everything else.
Well it’s not. No, it doesn’t really hurt during the treatment, but my shoulders are in a lot of pain. My skin is starting to get red and itchy. I have to be really careful with lotions and soaps as to not further irritate the area. And I’m tired…I can almost feel when my battery is draining and I feel like a kid’s toy winding down fast due to no energy.
Maybe if I had done radiation first, before my body started hating me for all the chemo, before I had my tissue and muscles and skin altered from surgery, it would be a lot easier. However, this is the way it is for me, and I have to just suck it up and deal with it.
On the positive side of things, the last week of radiation has gone by fairly well. I had to have a new CT scan done last Friday to try and put me in a more comfortable position. The first few treatments were similar and uncomfortable, but the ones on Thursday and Friday were much faster and much better.
With treatment every day, time seems to go by very quickly. On Friday I had an appointment with my medical oncologist, my first in 3 months. The staff in her office are so encouraging – saying I looked really great and not sick any more. They also weighed me – standard procedure – and I was down 16 lbs from my last chemo weigh-in! Woo hoo! This means I’m about 5ish lbs away from ‘normal’ weight.
The Doc is a bit puzzled about the numbness in my hands, so she is going to send me for a nerve conductivity test just to rule out anything strange. She figures it’s a leftover side effect from the chemo but it is a bit weird that it is this late in coming. So I am on a new medication to try and control the pain. Apparently nerve damage can take 1-2 years to repair, so hopefully this medication helps in the meantime.
So at the ½ way point, I’m feeling pretty good about things. 14 treatments left in the next 3 weeks and that does not seem like much time at all. On Tuesday I will also be over the hump for Herceptin treatments as well – 9 down, 8 to go. As I celebrate my birthday I keep thinking that I’m almost done the major treatment stuff… and that just might be the best birthday present yet!
Monday, 16 January 2012
The First Week
Today marked the first full week of radiation treatment for me - 5 treatments under my belt so far.
On the first day I was given a hospital gown and a hospital housecoat to use during my treatment. I need to be naked from the waist up underneath my gown. I need to get changed in the change rooms at the centre before my set appointment, then wait in the waiting area for my specific machine. There are 5 machines at the cancer centre and are named The Lake, The Hills, The Park, Orchard, and The Beach. I am being treated on the Beach machine at the very end of the hall.
The room that houses the Beach machine is quite large with a medical table in the middle. There is a big machine that hovers around the table – the machine will move around you, but won’t touch you. Each day I go for treatment my settings for my scan will be set out on the table ready for me to lie in there and get placed in the same position each time. There is a cushion that goes under my legs, pressing up against my butt. There is a mold for my head/neck, and two for my left arm – one for the bicep, one for the hand. My left arm needs to be raised up behind my head to expose my side so it can receive treatment.
The first day I walked into the room and started crying. I’m not sure why I was upset – maybe the reality of it all had sunk in. I was able to compose myself and then laid on the table to get ready. The radiation technicians then try to line me up on the table in the exact position I had my CT scan in. My tattoos will help them position me where I need to be lined up.
There were three technicians setting me up and as they moved me around they would tell each other a variety of numbers. Often after hearing the number, another technician would say “I agree”. I guess they have to ensure I am in the correct spot before getting going.
The first day took about 30 minutes of lying on the table. The technicians came in and out of the room a few times to check things out. The lights are dimmed when I first lie on the table and there are green laser lights lining the table – think of the red motion sensor lights you often see that act as security surrounding valuables in the museums in the movies.
Once the technicians leave the room, the lights get turned on and the big machine starts to move around me. The first few days I needed to have x-ray pictures done to make sure I am lined up properly on the machine. Then the radiation starts.
To be honest, I don’t really know when it is happening versus when the machine is just moving and adjusting. Once the technicians come in and tell me it’s over I am able to move again. Otherwise I need to stay as still as I can.
The second day was similar to the first – although I was really uncomfortable while lying on the table and started shedding a few tears. The technicians helped me get as comfortable as I could and tried to speed things along.
Day 3 and 4 were really speedy. The whole treatment time only took about 10-15 minutes. But today was a different story.
I’m not sure if the two day’s rest over the weekend changed anything in my shoulder, or made them ache more, but today’s treatment was very uncomfortable. The technicians had a hard time lining me up properly and kept moving me to try and adjust my position.
As the time ticked by, I laid there and could feel tears brimming. I closed my eyes, hoping to fend them off, but it didn’t really work. I could hear the staff talking about how my one tattoo was almost too small to see and that maybe I should get re-tattooed. One technician asked me if it was okay if they re-did the tattoo after we were done today. I couldn’t answer. I could feel tears spilling out of my eyes and my voice could not make so much as a whisper.
The technicians asked me a few questions and I nodded or shook my head. I managed to eek out that I was trying to stay still and I was really sorry. They got my some tissue and told me I could put my arm down – we’d start again. The staff were really encouraging and trying to be helpful – they know that my shoulders really hurt from the positioning and try to be as quick as possible.
I managed to get the tears under control and said we could proceed – it was really hard to get my lined up and I needed 3 x-rays to get the position correct. The treatment session took an hour and I could see in the waiting room when I left that I had caused a bit of a backup in patients.
After the treatment today I had a check-in appointment with my Radiation Oncologist. The appointment was nothing exciting – but the doctor noticed right away that I seemed subdued and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was uncomfortable during the treatments and had a few issues with crying. He offered me a few ways to manage the pain but we decided for now to simply up my dose of ibuprofen – I was taking 1 before my treatment, now I am to try taking 3.
As for side-effects, so far I have a small inflammation on one of my scars from the surgery. My shoulders ache a lot and I wake up with my hands/fingers really aching in the mornings. It seems unlikely that that is from the radiation treatments, but I don’t really know for sure. I am told that other side-effects might not show up until 2 weeks after the first treatment.
5 treatments in, with 3 of them consisting of tears. Hopefully I can get that under control for the rest of the sessions. 23 left to go – target completion date: Feb 17.
On the first day I was given a hospital gown and a hospital housecoat to use during my treatment. I need to be naked from the waist up underneath my gown. I need to get changed in the change rooms at the centre before my set appointment, then wait in the waiting area for my specific machine. There are 5 machines at the cancer centre and are named The Lake, The Hills, The Park, Orchard, and The Beach. I am being treated on the Beach machine at the very end of the hall.
The room that houses the Beach machine is quite large with a medical table in the middle. There is a big machine that hovers around the table – the machine will move around you, but won’t touch you. Each day I go for treatment my settings for my scan will be set out on the table ready for me to lie in there and get placed in the same position each time. There is a cushion that goes under my legs, pressing up against my butt. There is a mold for my head/neck, and two for my left arm – one for the bicep, one for the hand. My left arm needs to be raised up behind my head to expose my side so it can receive treatment.
The first day I walked into the room and started crying. I’m not sure why I was upset – maybe the reality of it all had sunk in. I was able to compose myself and then laid on the table to get ready. The radiation technicians then try to line me up on the table in the exact position I had my CT scan in. My tattoos will help them position me where I need to be lined up.
There were three technicians setting me up and as they moved me around they would tell each other a variety of numbers. Often after hearing the number, another technician would say “I agree”. I guess they have to ensure I am in the correct spot before getting going.
The first day took about 30 minutes of lying on the table. The technicians came in and out of the room a few times to check things out. The lights are dimmed when I first lie on the table and there are green laser lights lining the table – think of the red motion sensor lights you often see that act as security surrounding valuables in the museums in the movies.
Once the technicians leave the room, the lights get turned on and the big machine starts to move around me. The first few days I needed to have x-ray pictures done to make sure I am lined up properly on the machine. Then the radiation starts.
To be honest, I don’t really know when it is happening versus when the machine is just moving and adjusting. Once the technicians come in and tell me it’s over I am able to move again. Otherwise I need to stay as still as I can.
The second day was similar to the first – although I was really uncomfortable while lying on the table and started shedding a few tears. The technicians helped me get as comfortable as I could and tried to speed things along.
Day 3 and 4 were really speedy. The whole treatment time only took about 10-15 minutes. But today was a different story.
I’m not sure if the two day’s rest over the weekend changed anything in my shoulder, or made them ache more, but today’s treatment was very uncomfortable. The technicians had a hard time lining me up properly and kept moving me to try and adjust my position.
As the time ticked by, I laid there and could feel tears brimming. I closed my eyes, hoping to fend them off, but it didn’t really work. I could hear the staff talking about how my one tattoo was almost too small to see and that maybe I should get re-tattooed. One technician asked me if it was okay if they re-did the tattoo after we were done today. I couldn’t answer. I could feel tears spilling out of my eyes and my voice could not make so much as a whisper.
The technicians asked me a few questions and I nodded or shook my head. I managed to eek out that I was trying to stay still and I was really sorry. They got my some tissue and told me I could put my arm down – we’d start again. The staff were really encouraging and trying to be helpful – they know that my shoulders really hurt from the positioning and try to be as quick as possible.
I managed to get the tears under control and said we could proceed – it was really hard to get my lined up and I needed 3 x-rays to get the position correct. The treatment session took an hour and I could see in the waiting room when I left that I had caused a bit of a backup in patients.
After the treatment today I had a check-in appointment with my Radiation Oncologist. The appointment was nothing exciting – but the doctor noticed right away that I seemed subdued and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was uncomfortable during the treatments and had a few issues with crying. He offered me a few ways to manage the pain but we decided for now to simply up my dose of ibuprofen – I was taking 1 before my treatment, now I am to try taking 3.
As for side-effects, so far I have a small inflammation on one of my scars from the surgery. My shoulders ache a lot and I wake up with my hands/fingers really aching in the mornings. It seems unlikely that that is from the radiation treatments, but I don’t really know for sure. I am told that other side-effects might not show up until 2 weeks after the first treatment.
5 treatments in, with 3 of them consisting of tears. Hopefully I can get that under control for the rest of the sessions. 23 left to go – target completion date: Feb 17.
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