I headed to San Francisco last week to help out my colleagues at a tradeshow. I was really excited for this trip for a few reasons. Reason #1 – traveling for work is a pretty normal thing for people to do – I have not had much “normal” lately. Reason #2 – I felt the trip back to SF, back to see my friends, back to see my school would solidify in my mind whether or not I should go back to attending classes in May 2012.
Yes, I realize, decisions like this shouldn’t be made completely on a ‘gut’ feel. But I had rationalized myself in every way I could think of and still had conflicting feelings. Cayley and I talked and while we’d both love to be back in SF in a few months, it likely was not the best choice.
Why not, you may ask. Well a few factors come into play. Factor #1 – Herceptin – I need to get a Herceptin IV treatment every three weeks until the end of July. I would need to fly home to do this as it would cost me around $5,000+/treatment to have it administered in the USA.
Factor #2 – Surgery – I will have to get my tissue expander replaced by a permanent implant in the coming months. It is not necessary to do it right away, but again, I’d have to make arrangements to come home and have this done. I also need to have my port removed in day surgery, or go get it flushed out once a month – not an easy task while not at home.
Factor #3 – OPT Visa – when you attend and graduate from school in the USA, you are eligible to apply for an OPT (Optional Practical Training) Visa. This visa does have a few rules, but for the most part, it allows you to find a job, test it out, without your employer having to sponsor you for a USA working visa. If I left school immediately after completing, I would no longer be eligible and the opportunity to apply for the OPT visa would be gone.
Factor #4 – My Mind – my memory is not what it used to be, I have a hard time articulating myself and I struggle to concentrate some of the time. I am competitive with myself and while just going to school, pushing through and being done sounds nice in theory, I’d always be disappointed that I couldn’t do my best – perhaps losing out on graduating with honours because I rushed back.
Also, the psychologist I chatted with posed the question ‘what if you go back, find you can’t do it and have to quit again – do you think you could handle that?’ Knowing myself, the answer is likely no.
While I’d like to believe this is a rational decision, one based on facts, likely outcomes and scenarios, you can’t help but think of the emotional side of things. Staying in Kelowna means one more year until I get done – and does that mean I am just putting it off and won’t ever finish? Will all of my classmates, friends and network in San Francisco be gone from the city by then? Will I have forgotten everything I learned the first 8 months of the program? After staying here, being comfortable in a city I know with people I love for an extra year, will I even want to go back? Am I really just scared?
As people asked me over and over what I was going to do next, I couldn’t help but think of what I should do. Cayley and I talked at length. I chatted with my Dad, other family, and friends as to what I should do. Cayley and I made a decision – but to be honest, in my mind it wasn’t going to be solidified until I went back and felt it.
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