Surprise!

It has taken me almost a week to write this post and it is not because it hasn’t constantly been on my mind. It is simply because I am still having a hard time believing that something so great could have just occurred.

Simply put, I was thrown a huge surprise party on Saturday by my friends and family to celebrate being done the major portion of my cancer treatment. But it was not ‘simple’ at all.

Saturday came around and Cayley and I spent some time packing up our houses. We were planning to go to the hockey game that night with some friends. My good friend could not use her tickets, so we were to go pick them up from her ‘work function’ at the yacht club that evening just before the game started.

Cayley and I had been getting a little grumpy with one another during the day – moving is not the most fun for me. I was a bit stressed, nervous and just generally overwhelmed by the amount of work to do in the short time frame we had.

I was looking forward to a night out with two friends who we hadn’t seen in a while. I told Cayley I didn’t want to be late but despite my best efforts at getting him moving, he was taking his sweet time. I was getting so angry with him that he was making us late but a few other things were causing us not to rush as well. I finally gave in to the fact that I wouldn’t get to see the puck drop and tried to get the chip off my shoulder – “I told you parking would be a nightmare” ran through my head many times, but I managed to refrain from being a jerk about it…for the most part.

To make a long story short, we went to get the tickets from my friend and SURPRISE everyone who was there was there to celebrate! I was shocked, completely surprised and was so confused as to what was going on. I looked to Cayley and couldn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t realize it until I saw the photos, but my hand instinctively grabbed his. He leaned in with a big smile on his face and whispered “this is for you” and I just looked at him and asked “but why? I am so confused”.

I stared at the sea of faces in front of me – people from town, people from out of town, people from my present and people from my past. I could not believe how many people were in attendance! I was stunned. Friends from Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Vernon, Rossland, Osoyoos were there. My brother came up from Revelstoke. I was so stunned and just kept staring at people like it was a dream.

Next thing I know, my brother is giving me a huge hug and my other friend handed me a tissue. The sheer volume of love and care I felt in the room was enough to overwhelm me to tears. I saw my one friend who I was supposed to pick up tickets from and she had this BIG grin on her face and I knew right away she was the magician behind this big surprise. There is this really great photo of her giving me a hug and I can’t help but feel the love I have for her pouring through that photo.

It took me a good hour and a bit to stop feeling overwhelmed and excited. I had such a hard time believing all these people were here for me! And I couldn’t figure out what I had done to deserve such an amazing surprise.

People came and went throughout the night and I got an opportunity to catch up with most of them. There was a great cake that my friend the chef made – see the photo. There was an amazing sign that read “only Aidan Cole could make a year of fighting cancer look this good” with a bunch of nice photos of me and friends this past year.

There was a part of the night where my friend presented me with a card and a gift to use on our upcoming trip to Portland. She said some really nice words and tears came close once again. I was so humbled and overwhelmed that when it came to my turn to say something I was stumped. How on earth do you put all that emotion and love and gratitude I felt for those people into words? Even me, who we all know, loves to talk, was speechless. The only thing I could think of to say was “Thank you”.

I just couldn’t believe it. I woke up on Sunday and asked Cayley “did that just happen?” and he laughed and said yes. I replied with “but why? I didn’t do anything” and he replied with “oh sweetheart, because we all love you silly”.

I still cannot believe how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life. I get teary just thinking about how many people were there that night, how many sent well wishes and thoughts. And I truly feel like it wasn’t just a celebration for me, but a testament to the amazing love, care and incredible help these people have been throughout this past year.

And again, all I can think of to say is Thank You. Thank you. Thank you. xo

Statistics

The other day I was looking at the ‘Stats’ tab on my blog. I was blown away. Over 6,300 page views since I started. Views came in from many different countries. Even last month, when I barely wrote, over 400 page views. 6 today alone and it’s not even 930am yet!

I am incredibly humbled. As you go through something like cancer treatment, you go from being overwhelmed with love and care, to slowly dwindling attention. As people feel that you are ‘better’ or have gotten over major hurdles, they don’t call as much – and trust me, I understand! Life is busy, things must move on.

But with the lack of focus on your health, you can’t help but feel that you ‘should’ be ‘totally fine’. While I feel much much better than I had been, there are some residual effects from the cancer treatment that have not gone away – and might not for a long time.

My hands/arms are still numbish. My left arm/shoulder still hurts a lot and I don’t have as much range of motion as before. My endurance and muscular strength is very minimal – I went for a 45 minute walk the other day and my hips were so achy the next day. It takes more and more time to recover from simple activities. My mind is sharp some moments and completely gone the next. And I’m tired. Really tired.

Cayley stayed at his house last night and I told work I wouldn’t be in until noon so I could just sleep until I felt like it. And what a difference it makes! I woke up at 830am, slowly got out of bed, ate breakfast and now here I am. Feeling pretty good, but wondering if I will crash this afternoon.

I also find it weird that for 33 years I fended for myself quite nicely – okay, maybe more like 15 years but you get the idea. Sure, I had help in a lot of areas of my life, for which I am grateful. And this past year, I’ve had more help than I could have imagined. You would think that when 15 years of being independent vs 1 year of not, the independent self would emerge the clear victor.

But holy cow, do I still rely heavily on people, and miss when I don’t have the help around. Doing the dishes, laundry, and trying to clean up in one evening after a ½ day of work leaves me so exhausted and grumpy. I just can’t do most day-to-day activities like I used to. On my trip to SF, Cayley wasn’t with me and I went through the trip ‘fending’ for myself. Don’t get me wrong, my co-workers are amazing and helped out whenever I asked, but it’s a different feeling asking for help, rather than having Cayley just know that I will be tired soon, or I shouldn’t life certain things etc.

Maybe I need to give myself a little more time to recover fully, but it’s hard not to feel frustrated with the whole process.

Anyways, moving on – literally! Cayley and I have started looking for condos/apartments to rent for our time in Kelowna. So far, things have been really busy but we have seen a lot of places and narrowed it down to a few we’d like. We’ll keep looking, but we are being a bit picky in terms of location and what we want.

With the title of this blog in mind, I felt I should provide a few more statistics as of late:
369 days from the day the lump was first felt

357 days from my first doc’s visit to check it out

.005 or ½% - the chance that someone my age gets breast cancer

11 months since I was told I had cancer

10 months since I have been home and started cancer treatment

5cm of hair that has grown back after leaving due to my first chemo treatment

20lbs gained on chemo

16lbs subsequently lost as soon as I was done chemo

$200 per shot of nuepogen I needed to take while on treatment

$30,000+ the amount I cost the BC health care system for that drug ALONE

8 rounds of chemotherapy

1 surgery with 2 amazing surgeons

400cc of fluid sitting in my tissue expander

28 radiation treatments

23 physiotherapist appointments

10 Herceptin treatments done

7 more to go

10 trips I took this year for fun

8 weddings I attended

3 times I was a bridesmaid

1 time I could not be :(

2x 5km races I ran to support amazing charities

6 soccer games I played – in limited capacity

2 eyes that got opened to the very complex, but incredibly caring, cancer treatment process

1 heart that felt the incredible amounts of love and support from those around me

More than I can count - friends/family who made countless gestures or sent thoughts to make me feel better

1 smile that refused to stay hidden, despite the numerous tears that tried to make it go away :)

And this last statistic makes my heart a bit sad, feel heavy but at the same time determined to do all I can to help:

1 more person I know, who is my age, who just got diagnosed with breast cancer. Dammit.

San Francisco

Sometimes I am way too tired to sit at a computer and pour out my feelings on to the screen. And sometimes I feel like I could write and write and have lots of things to talk about. Today is one of those days.

So I will pre-warn this 2nd blog post of the day with this caution - If you are one of those people who likes to jump to the end of a book, find out what happens and then read the story, please do continue on. But if you are one of those people who likes to go through the story, build up the suspense, get emotionally tied to the words and then, at the end, find out what happens, I invite you to read the post before (Decisions, Decisions) before continuing on. I wouldn’t want to spoil the ending for those who like the suspense ;)

My co-worker and I left for San Francisco last Sunday. It was her first time into the city and I was really excited to show her around a bit. My good friend from school was picking us up at the airport and then we were going to hang out and see the city a bit and have some dinner before she headed out of town for work.

I feel like I would bore a lot of people with the details, so I’ll try and keep the highlights of my trip to a minimum. For those of you who like to skip ahead, let me sum it up by saying the trip was great, tiring, sunny, and a lot of fun.

On Monday, we headed down to the Moscone Center to set up for the tradeshow. As things came together in our booth, it felt pretty good to be working and I was excited for the show ahead. After set up, we took a cable car over to Fisherman’s Wharf to have some lunch. After we wandered around, my colleague and I parted ways so she could go shopping and I could go back and see my school.

This was a big test for me – would I feel the need to be back at school? Would my excitement be let down?

As I walked in the doors, the first person I saw was the registrar who I had been talking to about upcoming elective choices. I gave him a huge hug and said hello and he gave me the run down on how things were on campus. He also told me to stop by his office when I was done saying hi to everyone so we could chat about elective choices for May.

I continued upstairs and saw many of the staff in the student services offices. They were all so happy and excited to see me and I was filled with excitement as well. We all gave huge hugs and briefly caught up as to why I was in San Francisco.

Their office is all encased in glass walls, so as I stood there talking to them, I saw other staff members, and former students (and good friends of mine) who were on campus. They all popped in to say hi and give me huge hugs. The smiles all around me just filled me with a joy that is hard to explain. I felt excited, happy and could not stop smiling.

The Dean of the school saw me and popped in to say hi. After a big hug, he asked me the question that I am sure was on everyone else’s mind, but they were just waiting to ask –“so Aidan, will we see you here in a few months for the next module of classes?”

I knew I would have to make a decision at some point. I knew I would have to get off the fence post. I couldn’t avoid this forever – and talking about it with people always made me teary. Maybe making the decision would change that. I figured I would just know once I got to the city, to school and would just allow whatever felt right to be the choice.

With a big smile on my face and solid confidence in my voice I replied “Not this year Dean. But you will see me in May 2013.”

The rest of the trip was great – tiring, but really great. I did some work and got really excited about our company and how I might fit with being there on a more consistent basis. I saw old friends and caught up. It was amazing to see a lot of people and see how post-MBA life was treating them. I didn’t get to see everyone or do everything I wanted to, but it was a great trip filled with lots of fun and smiles.

The trip was also draining – I was exhausted for a lot of yesterday and even a little bit sad. Cayley and I looked at two places to rent yesterday and neither of them were very great. We went out for a bit with friends last night and there wasn’t a lot going on. The reality of my decision was sinking in a bit and I shed a few tears last night. Likely I was just really tired, but part of me knows I was sad about not going back to San Francisco, back to my MBA, back to my ‘old’ life right away.

After a restful night’s sleep, I woke up this morning full of excitement – this next year isn’t exactly how I pictured it, but I still think it’s going to be really great – I get to be around great family and friends, be in a great work environment with a company I am really excited about and I get to find a place to live with a really really great man. Next on the list, heading to Portland, OR for a celebration of being over a few big hurdles/ mini-vacation in a few weekends!

Decisions, Decisions

I headed to San Francisco last week to help out my colleagues at a tradeshow. I was really excited for this trip for a few reasons. Reason #1 – traveling for work is a pretty normal thing for people to do – I have not had much “normal” lately. Reason #2 – I felt the trip back to SF, back to see my friends, back to see my school would solidify in my mind whether or not I should go back to attending classes in May 2012.

Yes, I realize, decisions like this shouldn’t be made completely on a ‘gut’ feel. But I had rationalized myself in every way I could think of and still had conflicting feelings. Cayley and I talked and while we’d both love to be back in SF in a few months, it likely was not the best choice.

Why not, you may ask. Well a few factors come into play. Factor #1 – Herceptin – I need to get a Herceptin IV treatment every three weeks until the end of July. I would need to fly home to do this as it would cost me around $5,000+/treatment to have it administered in the USA.

Factor #2 – Surgery – I will have to get my tissue expander replaced by a permanent implant in the coming months. It is not necessary to do it right away, but again, I’d have to make arrangements to come home and have this done. I also need to have my port removed in day surgery, or go get it flushed out once a month – not an easy task while not at home.

Factor #3 – OPT Visa – when you attend and graduate from school in the USA, you are eligible to apply for an OPT (Optional Practical Training) Visa. This visa does have a few rules, but for the most part, it allows you to find a job, test it out, without your employer having to sponsor you for a USA working visa. If I left school immediately after completing, I would no longer be eligible and the opportunity to apply for the OPT visa would be gone.

Factor #4 – My Mind – my memory is not what it used to be, I have a hard time articulating myself and I struggle to concentrate some of the time. I am competitive with myself and while just going to school, pushing through and being done sounds nice in theory, I’d always be disappointed that I couldn’t do my best – perhaps losing out on graduating with honours because I rushed back.

Also, the psychologist I chatted with posed the question ‘what if you go back, find you can’t do it and have to quit again – do you think you could handle that?’ Knowing myself, the answer is likely no.

While I’d like to believe this is a rational decision, one based on facts, likely outcomes and scenarios, you can’t help but think of the emotional side of things. Staying in Kelowna means one more year until I get done – and does that mean I am just putting it off and won’t ever finish? Will all of my classmates, friends and network in San Francisco be gone from the city by then? Will I have forgotten everything I learned the first 8 months of the program? After staying here, being comfortable in a city I know with people I love for an extra year, will I even want to go back? Am I really just scared?

As people asked me over and over what I was going to do next, I couldn’t help but think of what I should do. Cayley and I talked at length. I chatted with my Dad, other family, and friends as to what I should do. Cayley and I made a decision – but to be honest, in my mind it wasn’t going to be solidified until I went back and felt it.

And DONE

Last week was a bit of a whirlwind – managing my last few radiation appointments, sprinkled with other doctor visits, made the week seem to fly by and all of a sudden it was Thursday afternoon. My 27th radiation treatment happened at 3pm on Thursday and my 28th, and final, treatment was scheduled for Friday at 9am. This small 18 hour gap between treatments made the end seem that much more in reach.

Friday’s final treatment felt great. I threw my hospital housecoat and gown into the laundry service, never to wear it again. I headed into work feeling full of energy. It was such an amazing day – like your birthday, only filled with a huge sense of relief!

People sent me well-wishes, called, sent flowers – it was fabulous! My work had a surprise celebration for me as well which was totally unexpected and really moved me.

After work I headed for dinner with Dad, Devin, Cayley and my Aunt who was in town. I was feeling great and thought that maybe we’d go out a bit later to celebrate. But as has happened to me continuously since this whole thing started, I got tired…fast. One minute I was thinking of places to go and meet people, the next I was thinking of nothing but my bed.

While the official celebrations didn’t last long, all in all, it was a great weekend filled with a lot of smiles. There were some tears too – maybe some of relief, maybe some of uncertainty, maybe some of stress – I really don’t know where they came from, but they didn’t last long – the feeling of being done was just too much joy!

So what’s next? Well the Doc told me that I should expect to feel the side-effects building for another 10-14 days, at which point they peak and then subside. I don’t need to see the radiation Doc for a check-up until mid-April.

I’ve started working a bit more, and in a fabulous bit of news, work is sending me to San Francisco with two other colleagues to work a tradeshow next week! Part of me is a bit nervous about heading out for such a long period of time, especially without Cayley. But part of me is so excited – excited to go to SF, excited to see some of my friends there, and excited to get back to some sort of ‘normal’ and productive life.

I know I will have to be careful – I still get really tired, really quickly – but my coworkers know that and are prepared for me taking a lot of breaks if needed. So bring on SF! Definitely excited for next week and to see what it holds.

One week to go

I wanted to write earlier and announce that I was into the single digits for treatment or other slightly less boring news, but as often happens to me these days, I just can’t find the time, nor energy to write in my blog. It’s not that I am so drained I don’t have energy for anything – but I really do feel that with going to the cancer centre every day, plus trying to work, get errands done, and live a normalish lifestyle, there is not much time for anything else.

Yesterday I had a really bad day, so I decided to take the morning off from everything and write a few thoughts on here. So let me get you up to speed:

I’m down to only 5 treatments left – exactly one week today, at around 930am, I will be done the radiation portion of my treatment plan. I don’t have treatment today as the machine has its scheduled maintenance day, so I get a bit of a long weekend.

How do I feel about being close to the end? For the most part, excellent. No more going to the centre every day, trying to find parking, putting on a gown and waiting for my turn. No more wondering if it will take 15 minutes or an hour to be done my session. All in all, I will be very happy this next part is over.

However, I’d be lying if I said I was completely stoked to be done – there is this small part of me that is a bit concerned.

When you are sick and you have to go to the hospital every day, you take small comfort in the fact that if anything new is wrong, it will be less than 24 hours before you see doctors, nurses, technicians and other experienced staff who have seen many people like you before. A casual mention of “hey, I have this new spot on my neck, is that common?” can instantly put you at ease, or put you into a plan to treat that side effect.

Other times, it’s the professionals who notice something – “Hmmm Aidan, you have a bit of a mark on your skin, let’s just check that out to be sure.” My safety net of many nurses, doctors, technicians, etc checking me out every day will be gone.

In all honesty, it’s not hard to go to the centre or call them and wait to see someone. And I’m 99% happy to be done with radiation. But there is that little 1% of me that wonders if I will be as good as the staff at spotting new/different things going on with me. How careful and observant will I have to be? In going to the centre, every day I feel like I am doing something towards making me healthy – will not going there leave a void? Leave me feeling like I am doing nothing to help my health?

Anyways, these are just some of the questions that float through my mind at times. Don’t get me wrong, I will be happy to be done this part of my treatment – very happy. But it’s hard to not wonder – what’s next?

Shingles – not just siding for your house

I developed a small rash on my neck about 10 days ago. My neck was itchy one Monday night so when I went to the cancer centre on Tuesday, I asked about it. I first asked the Radiation technicians if it was from the radiation. Nope – the field of the radiation beam doesn’t go that high on my neck.

Next up was my Herceptin treatment, so I asked the nurses in the chemo room about it. They weren’t sure, so they called in one of the Oncologist Docs. She said it was likely nothing, but was going to check with my main Doc just in case.

Turns out that I might have shingles. After having chicken pox as a kid, the virus lay dormant in my body for the last 20+ years. The Docs get concerned with chemo patients that their immune systems have been compromised and that the virus might rear its ugly head in the adult form of chicken pox, shingles. They don’t want to chance anything, so I’m given an anti-viral medication to take for a week.

I also asked my Radiation Doc what he thought – he wasn’t sure it was shingles, but we better take precautions just in case. The technicians now have to wear yellow gowns and rubber gloves when treating me, to protect other patients. I was told to wash my hands a lot and to watch for any other signs of a rash on other parts of my body.

So I went on my merry way and was diligent about taking my medication, not scratching my neck, and looking for other signs of a rash.

I started to feel itchy in the back of my head, so I took a look and saw a small area of red – definitely not as red or rash-like as the area on my neck, but it was still there. So in between physio and my radiation treatment yesterday, I thought I’d stop in to see the doc/nurse and see what was up.

That started an afternoon of awfulness for me. I was taken to an isolation room and two nurses came to talk to me – one of the regular nurses from the centre and one from infection control. They both wore those yellow gowns and rubber gloves. To say I was nervous/scared was an understatement.

The Doctor came in to see me briefly and told me I could go to my radiation treatment, but to come back afterwards and we’d get it sorted out.

I went down to the radiation room and as I was lying on the table, the infection control nurse came in and told me they needed to put a mask on me to protect other patients. I was lying there, tears streaming down my face, and wondering what was going to happen.

After radiation was done, I went back to the isolation room area – I asked if I could just go home and they told me I couldn’t. I just couldn’t help it, I started crying.

To make a long story shorter, I spent the next 3 hours and 45 minutes in a room by myself. The nurses would come in every once in a while to offer me water or other things but really, I just wanted to leave. I tried really hard to stay positive and keep myself occupied with surfing the internet on my phone. Cayley and another friend kept sending me funny texts to make me laugh.

Around hour 2.5 I was getting really nervous – why did this not seem as serious before? When could I go home? What was happening? Not only that, my phone’s battery was slowly dying. I hadn’t eaten lunch and it was nearing 330pm. I asked Cayley to call the centre and see if they would tell him what was happening with me. He said he’d try and find out.

Next thing I know, there is a knock at the door and in walks Cayley with some water and a muffin. He said he told the staff that if I was contagious, he’d already have been exposed as we made out a lot – he said that made the nurses laugh so they let him come see me. I don’t think I can say enough times how amazing this guy is!

Anyways, I was finally sent home around 445pm with a prescription for a cream for the small area on the back of my head. The infection control nurse had gone for the day by the time the doctor was sending me home, so I didn’t really know what to do. I was scared that I’d exposed other people – including my friend’s 2 year old son and my other friend who is 3 months pregnant. I would feel awful if anything bad happened to them because of me.

As I went to bed last night, I kept wondering ‘is this going to be the rest of my life? Always being sick with something?’ I cried a lot – mostly because I was worried, a bit scared, and a lot tired from siting in a room by myself all afternoon.

This morning I got a phone call from the infection control nurse – turns out they think that the small rash on the back of my head is not shingles, I was/am not contagious, and not to worry. A few different docs will follow up with me to see what is going on back there – but for now, don’t worry, use the prescription cream, and try not to wear anything in the area.

That was a scare I’d like to never repeat. It also got me wondering if I will always be like this – having to see doctors all the time with new items going awry because of what my body has been through. Cayley reassured me that given time, my body will recover, I’ll be healthy like before and a lot of this will be behind me. So I’m going to believe him, and go back to the world where shingles are the things to you put on the side of your house.